Parenting - Aaron Buer

Tenacious Mothering

Somehow my daughter turned 21 a few days ago. I still don’t really understand how this happened but I can assure you it has nothing to do with me getting older.

When I announced to a close friend that Melanie was going out that evening to celebrate she shocked me with a question I didn’t know how to answer

“Did you tell her not to take a drink from anyone she doesn’t know?” “Well, no…I didn’t tell her that.” “Because you never know what someone could put in a drink before they give it to her…”

Needless to say, I freaked out and left my daughter a long impassioned voicemail that went something like this:

“Don’t take drinks from strangers and don’t ever go to the bathroom by yourself and don’t drink anything that is made in a garbage can or a bath tub and don’t do shots because they make you stupid and don’t drive even if you’ve only had a few drinks and don’t go anywhere with anyone you don’t know and most guys you meet in a bar are trying to figure out how to get in your pants!”

Yes, I panicked. My sweet little innocent baby girl was going out into the world and I wasn’t sure if I had said everything that I needed to say so I just opened up the fire hose and left nothing to chance.

The good news is that I haven’t left much unsaid over the last 21 years. I was always the mom who said the weird awkward things. I talked to her about sex and boyfriends. I talked to her about catfights and how boys really think. I talked to her about what it feels like to have your heart broken. I talked to her about being resilient. I was open and honest and brought anything that she tried to keep in the dark out in the light. Sometimes it went really well and sometimes it was messy and ugly. But either way we talked about it.

So whether you have a 1 year old or a 21 year old, my advice is this: start talking. Whatever age you think you should start talking to your kids about sex, partying and friends—start earlier than that. If you have a teenager, start now. Be weird, creepy, and awkward. At least they’ll know what creepy sounds like when they run into it.

Ask them questions even if you’re afraid to know the answers. I know it’s a tough idea to implement but be persistent and relentless and for crying out loud man up! No one ever said parenting would be easy. If your kid isn’t ticked off at you at least 30% of the time you’re probably not doing it right.

Trust me when I say that down the road your kids will appreciate your intrusiveness. A couple summers ago my husband and I dropped Melanie off at her first apartment in Chicago. As we drove away I was shouting obnoxiously out the window “Don’t let a stranger carry your groceries! Nothing good happens after midnight! Always park under a streetlight!” And on and on until we wear out of earshot.

She just smiled and waved and I was sure she knew how tenaciously I love her.

Guest Blogger: Christina Thelen has been serving in student ministry for over 8 years and has been tenaciously mothering for over 21. When she isn’t volunteering with students she can usually be found planning epic events or posting cat pictures to Facebook.

The Secret Power of Memories

I’ve learned that memories are a powerful. Good childhood memories have a way of evolving into magical nostalgia. Maybe I’m the only one who romanticizes the past and remembers things a little differently than they actually occurred but I have a feeling you do the same thing.

As a parent, I accidentally stumbled upon using memories as a secret weapon. You see, I have a semi-famous artist sister who lives in Portland, OR with her shoe designing husband. They are both artistic and adventuresome so they are exciting to be around and you occasionally score free shoes and paintings which is nice.

The thing is, Oregon has this reputation for being beautiful and incredibly quirky—the kind of place you just have to visit. So, I decided to fly to Portland with my son and spend a week climbing mountains and visiting coffee shops with my sister and her husband. Secretly I was hoping to run into Donald Miller…but this story isn’t about me.

Anyway, I intended this trip to be an adventure for my son and I and it turned out to be a partial disappointment and a landmark success. You see, as it turns out, 5 year old boys aren’t terribly great mountain climbers. Our first day of adventuring took us to various waterfalls around the Columbia River Gorge. Keegan did well on the first hike and then fell to pieces on the next eight. I’ll have you know that carrying a 50 pound kid around hiking isn’t exactly paradise.

At this point we realized that our planned wilderness backpacking trip was never going to happen with a 5 year old. Undaunted, we scheduled a weekend camping trip at Crater Lake and had a great time. I was enraptured with the natural beauty of everything I saw in Oregon. I mean, how are you gonna have a temperate rainforest, volcanoes, and the ocean all in one state?

The truth is that Keegan didn’t much care for the scenery. He was excited about finding a snake but other than that the best part of the trip was when he uncovered that his uncle Eric had a Super Nintendo with Super Mario Sunshine. After wandering all over the state and the city, all Keegan wanted to do was stay up late and play video game that’s over a decade old. So that’s what we did.

Upon returning home, I felt like we needed to return to Oregon the next summer so that we could more seriously tap into the potential of Oregon but I soon discovered that Keegan didn’t feel that way at all. I can’t tell you how many times Keegan has asked me if I remember when we got “those little pizzas” in the Denver airport? To him, that was amazing. “Daddy, do you remember when we got that Italian pop? That was my favorite! “ “Daddy, do you remember when we saw a starfish at the spacific ocean? That was so cool.” “Daddy are you sure Sasquatch isn’t real? Because maybe you’ve just never seen him” “Daddy, do you remember Eric’s Gollum voice? How come you can’t do that? “Daddy, do you remember when we Stephanie said people can ride their bikes naked in Portland?”

The truth is that Keegan had the most epic vacation and the fact that it was just him and I traveling across the country made it a legendary experience. A few weeks after returning, my wife made Keegan a Shutterfly book of our trip. Even now, 2 years after the trip he still reads that book nearly every night as he lies in bed waiting for sleep to overtake him. The memory of that trip has taken on magical qualities.

It was a fun trip but the point is that for a little boy, an adventure with his dad was a milestone experience. His memories of that trip will forever overshadow what actually happened. The trip has given us a shared point of reference. No future conflict or disagreement, no teenage angst or middle aged father stubbornness will ever be able to take away the magic of a week in Oregon.

What I learned from a week in Oregon is that taking the time to adventure with your kids, specifically one-on-one is worth the investment. It may just be the most strategic thing you ever do.

An Open Letter to Fathers

A few weeks into this whole blogging thing I wrote a post based on a teaching I gave to our students during our spring sexuality series. The post blew up. Women were posting it all over Facebook, Twitter and even Pintrest. I was shocked and sort of embarrassed about being on Pintrest. I still feel like I lost a few man points there.

The post was all about identity and value. The central idea was, “You are immensely valuable and beautiful because God made you and loves you. Your sexuality is a precious gift. Protect it.” You can read it here if you like.

I received so much positive feedback from this post and I still can’t believe how many people have read and shared it. The question is…why?

THE TRUTH

Here’s the thing: I’m no expert on girls or sexuality. I’m married and have two cute little daughters but I would consider myself to be a novice at understanding girls. I haven’t remotely figured out my wife either. Every time things get emotional at my house you can find me in a corner with a pillow over my head. And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous idea that someday my daughters will want to date.

All this is to say, I really don’t think my blog post went “Pintrest” because I’m an eloquent writer or because I have some newfangled understanding of girls and sexuality. It must be something else.

I think the answer lies in a question: Why do so few girls feel good about themselves? Why are so many girls susceptible to guys who are interested in nothing more than a few hours with their body?

I know that we live in a messed up culture that uses sex to sell everything from cologne to cereal and that girls are conditioned through advertising to find value solely in the way they look but honestly, I’m not sure that culture is the biggest problem.

I CAN’T HEAR YOU

I think the problem has less to do what girls are hearing through culture and more to do with what girls aren’t hearing at home. Why is it that the only guys who are communicating value to girls are men who want to take advantage of them? Where are the fathers, brothers, uncles and grandfathers who are supposed to be communicating value to our girls? This, I believe is the core of the problem.

The feedback I’ve received over and over from girls is: “I wish someone would have told me these things before…” Speaking as a father, we need to start speaking up! Our daughters, nieces, and granddaughters need to be told over and over again that they are beautiful and valuable, that God created them just the way they are on purpose, and that only a guy who will love them on a heart level is worth their time. The first, “you are beautiful” should not come from some punk looking to take advantage of her.

SPEAK UP

I think we are guilty of making assumptions. We believe that somehow our girls just know. We assume that how we feel about them is obvious. It isn’t. In the absence of positive words they assume the worst. Tell her that she is beautiful. Tell her that she is special. Tell her that only guys of the highest quality are worth her time. Tell her that her sexuality is a precious gift. Tell her that you’re proud of her and that God loves her.

God put you in her life to guide her. Speak up. I think you’ll be amazed by how much impact your words will have.

image credited to jjpacres

Back to School | Parents

One of the rules about being a teenager is that you must think that your parents are dumb. I don’t exactly know where this idea came from but it’s everywhere in our culture. It’s in just about every movie and TV show about teenagers that you’ll ever watch. “Parents just don’t understand”. Parents are out of touch. Parents just want to ruin your life.

I’ve been there. I remember feeling the same way. I was a teenager…last century. The central role of an adolescent is to learn to become independent—to become an adult. This process of becoming independent is messy, especially when parents have a hard time letting go. With all that said, two things have changed my perspective on parents: student ministry and becoming a parent myself.

As I close out this week’s series on going back to school, my goal is that you would reconsider your attitude and relationship toward your parents. Hang with me and I think you’ll find it worthwhile.

EVERY PARENT WANTS TO BE A GOOD PARENT

Over the last 10 years of student ministry I’ve spent time with 100s of families. I’ve interacted with so many parents. And over time and in all of those conversations I have never once run into a parent who wanted to be a bad parent. Not a single parent was trying to rob their child of fun. Sure, I’ve run into parents who struggled in different ways and some who were dysfunctional, but never once did I run into a parent who wanted to be a terrible parent.

If you are a student, your mom and dad want to be good parents. They want what is best for you and they want you to have a great life. The next time you’re in a heated argument about how much time you get on the X-box or whether or not you are allowed to go on a date with Marvin, just remember that your parents truly want to be good parents and truly want what is best for you.

NO ONE LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOUR PARENTS

I discovered this truth exactly 2 seconds into my son Keegan’s life. A doctor held up a tiny purple baby covered in slime and blood with an alien looking cord attached to its belly and I fell desperately and irreversibly in love—how could you not? In that moment, my entire world changed forever. I knew in an instant that nothing could ever make me laugh this little helpless baby more or less that I already did. My heart exploded with more love and devotion that I ever thought was possible. Just sitting down to write these memories down brings a flood of tears to my eyes.

If you are wondering, I experienced the same phenomenon with each of my four kids and I guarantee that your parents experienced the same thing with you. No matter what is going on, regardless of how strained your relationship is, I guarantee you that your parents love you with a fierce and devoted love that is beyond what you can understand until find yourself in a delivery room meeting your own baby for the first time.

YOUR PARENTS ARE SMARTER THAN YOU

Depending on your personality, it may take a hand to the stove, a bad financial decision, or a wrecked life but at some point you will recognize that your parents are smarter than you. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but it’s a simple lesson in mathematics. Your parents have lived at least twice as long as you have and life smarts come from experience. Your parents have twice the life experience that you do. They’ve had twice as many victories, mistakes, joys, heartbreaks, relationships and crises as you have. It would be wise to listen to their advice.

YOU NEED YOUR PARENTS

The last thing I want you to consider is that you need your parents. The future is a hard road. College does not pay for itself and the most unemployed demographic in our society right now is 23 and fresh out of college. Many are finding that surviving on their own is next to impossible.

You will need your parents’ wisdom, home, money, and relational support. The worst thing you can do as a teenager is treat your parents like garbage—like they are useless and worthless to you. Your parents are the most valuable resource that you have in this life and they love you desperately.

My hope, as you launch this year, is that you would reconsider how you think about and treat your parents. No one loves you more than your mom and dad.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Leadership

I can’t remember the last male character on TV who was a leader. OK, take out every super hero/Jack Bauer type character. If a man isn’t single handedly saving the world he is a sally—see every sitcom husband ever.

Let me make a clarification. By leadership I do not mean dominance. There are plenty of guys out there who know how to get what they want through dominance and abuse. The leadership I’m talking about is others first. It’s the kind of leadership that draws out the best in others. It empowers others to become who God made them to be and rallies people around the mission of Christ in the world.

When I think of my sons, this is what I want. I want my boys to grow into men who inspire, empower and lead the way. So, how do you get there? How do you teach a boy to become a leader modeled after Jesus?

LEADERSHIP IS CAUGHT NOT TAUGHT

Nearly everything in our culture teaches boys to be selfish. “It’s all about you.” “Have it your way.” “Wear this and women will want you.”

If we want our boys to become others focused leaders, we have to understand that we’re going against the flow of culture. They won’t become the leaders we want them to be without first seeing it. Specifically, they need to see us doing it. The boys in your youth ministry and in your family will lead exactly how they see you leading. Be the leader you want your boys to be.

One of the best ways to do model others first leadership is through volunteering. Volunteer together with your son. Encourage the boys in your youth group to serve in the children’s ministry. Take your family on mission trips. Serve together and they will catch others first leadership.

TEACH HIM TO LEAD IN RELATIONSHIPS

To be frank, many guys in our culture approach relationships asking a simple question: “What can I get out of this?” For the record, that’s called exploitation. Great men don’t exploit women. They empower and liberate.

At the risk of offending everyone in the universe, I believe that great men lead in relationships. Before you start writing that hate comment just hear me out. I think men ought to protect women by taking the lead on physical boundaries. Unfortunately, many guys are out to get what they can in relationships and many girls are lonely enough that they will trade purity for perceived intimacy.

The world needs men who are more interested in protecting women and bringing the best out in them than getting what they can. My dream is that my daughters would date guys who are man enough to be upfront about their physical and emotional boundaries and that they would lead the way in maintaining these boundaries.

We need to train the boys in our families and youth ministries to respect women by leading them. Their role is to protect women, not take advantage of them. Help boys clearly define their physical boundaries and then help them learn how to communicate and maintain these boundaries with girls.

Also, help them understand how powerfully their words can impact a woman. Teach him to be careful with his words. Again, the goal is to protect and empower women—no to get what you can from them. That’s exploitation.

Great men lead. They don’t dominant or exploit. They put others first and empower the people around them. To influence boys toward greatness, we must learn to lead in the same way.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Purpose

Many of the young men I’ve talked with lately are all feeling the same crippling emotion: aimlessness. I believe that most of this generation’s men are lost. They don’t know what their purpose is in life.

Great men know what they are about. They know why God put them on this earth. They have a sense of destiny and direction.

Today, I’m finishing up a week of blogging about raising great boys. If we want boys to lead significant lives, they must know their purpose —they must know what God made they to do. So, how in the world do you help a boy figure this out? You must uncover it with him.

BOYS NEED TO BE TOLD

When God created Adam, He placed him in the garden, told him who he was and why he was on the earth. He gave him a name and a job. I’m almost certain that without being told, Adam would have been thoroughly confused about what he was supposed to be doing. “I didn’t know what else to do so I invented the tropical fish tank…”

Like Adam, boys need to be told who they are and why they are here. It’s just not in our nature as humans to figure this stuff out on our own. As a parent or youth worker, it’s your privilege and duty to become a student of the boys under your care and to help them uncover their wiring, gifting, passions and ultimately, purpose.

EXPERIMENT

No one expects you to be able to diagnose a boy’s life passion and purpose overnight. These things are like science experiments. You develop a hypothesis and you test it. Most of the time your hypothesis is wrong but it moves you one step closer to the truth.

As boys progress through life, let them experiment. Push them to try all kinds of stuff. Somewhere along the line a boy will experience something that awakens something buried deep within him. He will light up. Take note: these experiences probably have something to do with his wiring, gifting, passions and purpose.

MISSION

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that life is most meaningful when our passions and gifts are aligned with what God is doing in the world. It’s crucially important that we as parents and youth workers help our boys understand the compelling and life altering mission of the Church. It’s vital that our boys understand what God’s mission is in the world and how we can join in.

When a man finds himself at the intersection of his passions, purpose and the mission of God in the world, he will find life and meaning—and more of it than he ever imagined was possible.

EXIT THE MATRIX

We need to be honest for a second, rich and meaningful lives are not easy to come by. In fact, it is hard to live a life of purpose. There is always immense opposition within and outside of us, pushing us to accept mediocrity. This is part of the reason that boys find video games so compelling. Without a whole lot of actual work, he can be the hero. He can create, battle evil, save the girl, or even conquer the world.

The temptation so many young men fall into is retreating into false worlds where they can live rich and meaningful lives of purpose while accepting mediocre or worse in their real lives.

Look, I love video games. I really do. However, far too many guys are OBSESSED with video games—playing them for hours and hours every day. Meanwhile the real world is suffering. The church needs young men who will run after Jesus and partner with him in bringing heaven to earth every day.

If you are a parent, build boundaries around video games and help your son uncover who God created him to be and what he is calling him to do in this world. If you are a youth worker, model boundaries with video games. If you are a young man, unplug and dive into the Kingdom. There is so much work to be done. There is far too much injustice on this broken planet for us to keep shooting each other over and over on the same Black Ops maps night after night.

We need to help boys build boundaries around video games so that they don’t overtake and ultimately replace their lives. Like most everything, video games can be used in a healthy way but it is difficult, especially for a young teenage boy, to find the balance.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Purity

Nothing can derail a man from the path to greatness like sexual sin. For parents and youth workers, there is no more important topic than purity. And yet, when it comes to helping boys navigate the sexual pitfalls of our culture, I’d give us a collective “D+“. I know that’s a little harsh but hear me out on this one. I think we’re dropping the ball in a few key areas.

LET HIM KNOW WHAT’S COMING

Most boys are surprised by their first encounter with pornography. It’s like a sneak attack that they never saw coming and are ill equipped to handle. We have to come to terms with the fact that, statistically speaking, boys are encountering pornography between the ages of 7-9. If our boys encounter pornography without being warned about it, we have dropped the ball.

As parents, we must equip our boys for this first encounter. They must know what to do and say when they are invited to see an image or video that could change the trajectory of their entire lives. Boys don’t need to know everything about sex but they do need to know that pornography will hurt them. I would recommend making two things very clear:

If someone tries to show you a picture or video of people without their clothes on please don’t look or watch. This is not good for you. Please tell me if something like this happens
No matter what mistakes you make in life I will love you and help you. You can tell me anything.

To put it simply, as a parent you want to be the one who surprises your son with a conversation about pornography, not Billy down the street. As youth workers, we can help in this area by equipping parents for these conversations and also by keeping parents informed of when we plan to talk about sexuality and pornography.

TEACH HIM TO BE INDEPENDENTLY PURE

This will probably sound counter-intuitive, but most parents and youth workers make the mistake of overprotecting boys. Before you hit that big red “X” at the top of your browser, hear me out. I believe that internet filters are a great idea when you have boys in elementary and middle school but not helpful when they are in high school.

Part of our role as parents and youth workers is to prepare boys for adulthood. When boys are out of the house they will make their own decisions about how to use the internet. As a parent, I would much prefer to catch my son viewing porn through the use of accountability software and have a conversation with him than attempt to block every possible pornographic site. Also, no internet filter is fail proof and most boys are viewing porn on mobile devices anyway. Either way, after he graduates, you and the Internet filter won’t be there to protect him.

Parents also fall into the trap of completely disengaging. Pornography will destroy your son. Even though he may be bigger than you are mostly independent, he still needs you to help him navigate the issue of pornography.

As parents and youth workers, we must find the balance. Don’t overprotect and don’t disengage. Walk with him through the struggle. It will be messy. He will make mistakes. You must wade in. When necessary enforce consequences. You must encourage and equip. In short, you must be a parent and be a mentor.

If you found this post helpful, be sure to check out the previous posts of this series on respect and character.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Character

This week, my blog is focused on raising great boys. Yesterday was all about building self-respect and today I want to focus on building character. Let’s be real, there aren’t many men of character out there. So, how do we raise boys with a strong inner compass? I’m glad you asked.

CHARACTER MUST BE MODELED

First, character cannot be taught. There is not a video series or book that will impart character. Character must be caught. It can only be modeled. So, very simply, if you want your boys to develop strong character, you must develop strong character yourself. Your son will catch your ethics like a virus. The boys in your small group will follow your example. How you handle money, conflict, and anger will very likely be how he handles money, conflict and anger.

Step one in developing character in boys is to develop character in you. My advice, become a student of Jesus. Never has the world encountered a man of character quite like Him.

CONNECT BOYS WITH EXCEPTIONAL MEN

Sadly, in our culture, many men are either overgrown boys whose closest experience with manhood is Call of Duty, or insecure men whose only tools of influence and leadership are intimidation and coercion. Because of this, boys don’t have many good role models. Every one of us wants to become a quality man but few of us have any idea how to get there. The road map has become exceedingly rare.

Men who genuinely put others first and possess the self-confidence to be who God designed them to be are hard to find. When you come across one, connect your son with him. Invite that man over for dinner or ask him if he would be willing to meet with your son a few times. It may sound like I’m being a little awkward but boys need proximity with quality men to understand that there are alternatives to what they see on TV. Quality men can help your son realize the potential of who he could become.

CREATE AND MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES

All of creation naturally slides toward chaos and brokenness. As part of creation, boys are no different. They need us to create and maintain boundaries so that they can learn character—so that they can learn the path to life. We must come to terms with the fact that boys will not develop good character on their own. His sinful nature will always push him toward what will harm him and others.

One of the keys to maintaining boundaries with boys is adjusting your approach as they grow older. At first, you decide what the boundaries are and enforce them. Most parents do pretty well when their boys are young and then practically lose their minds when their cute little boys morph into teenagers. This happens not because teenagers are the devil but rather because they are different than little children.

A good example for boys is video games. When he is young you (hopefully) keep his screen time very low. As he grows older he will probably try to negotiate the boundaries. Pull him into the conversation, talk to him about why you want to limit screen time. Let him increase it as long as his grades stay where they ought to be and his social behavior remains acceptable. Make him see that he will be responsible for his own decisions.

As parents, we must adapt our approach as our boys grow older. They need to own the boundaries as much as we do. We need to include them in on the process of creating and enforcing boundaries. Help him understand why the boundary is important and bring him into the conversation of what’s to be done when he crosses the line.

LET HIM FACE THE CONSEQUENCES

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard is that people don’t change until the pain of where they are is greater than the pain of changing. Some of my greatest character lessons have come from mistakes. These lessons hurt but I learned and matured. They were necessary for the development of my character. Looking back I wish I could have learned in a less painful way but I am grateful for lessons learned through pain and disgrace.

In my opinion, one of the worst things parents and youth workers can do for boys is bail them out of trouble every time they get into it. Letting him face the natural consequences of bad decisions is great parenting. It’s painful to watch him suffer but don’t give into the temptation to rescue him. In doing so, you will nullify one of God’s clearest principles—you reap what you sow.

Influencing Boys Towards Greatness

There aren’t a whole lot of quality men out there. When I think about the kind of man I want my daughters to marry, I don’t see many of them. Men of character are an endangered species.

With all that said, I want to raise great sons and I want the boys in my student ministry to become great men. I want them to become strong men of faith who know who they are and what their purpose is in life. I want them to become faithful and loving husbands and fathers. In a culture that is currently producing so many low quality men, how do we do this? How exactly do you raise and mentor boys like that? I have a few thoughts…

SELF-RESPECT

A quality man must have a strong sense of self-respect. Why? Because every man’s deepest longing is for respect—for the people around him to be proud of him. If he doesn’t possess an understanding of himself that leads him to believe that he is respectable and worth being proud of, he will struggle through life. So, as parents, youth workers or even friends, how do we build the self-respect of boys and young men?

1. Does He Understand Where His Value Comes From?

Men naturally believe that their value flows from what they can do. We were created to work—to build, create, fix and accomplish but because of sin we have developed an unhealthy assumption that what we do wholly determines our worth.

Boys need to understand that their value comes from the fact that God loves them not from what they can do. We must repeatedly and carefully reinforce this truth.

2. Does He Know that you are Proud of Him?

The central need of a man is for respect. In order to develop healthy future relationships, boys must develop a strong sense of self-respect. As a parent you will deeply influence this process by the way that you talk to your son. Does he know that you are proud of him? Does he hear it on a regular basis?

Based on the way you talk about the boys under your influence, they will develop the belief that they either can or can’t in the world. Boys who are not praised regularly or who are criticized relentlessly will have an incredibly hard time developing strong relationships as they grow older.

Life is hard and will at times leave a boy reeling. Gift the boys in your life with an irreversible belief that he IS respectable.

3. Does He Know What it means to be Respectable?

So, what exactly does it mean to be respectable? Our culture is severely confused about this. Popular TV, music and video games teach that respect comes from power and intimidation. Because of this, guys spend an inordinate amount of time building muscles, athletic expertise and overall toughness. No one is talking about honor, wisdom, moral strength or work ethic.

True respectability comes from humble strength. It comes from living rightly and serving the people around us—not dominating them. A respectable man draws the best out of people by empowering them. This is especially true in a good marriage.

We must show our boys what real respectability is all about. As a father, how do you treat the women in your life? Are you empowering them through humble service? As a mother, how do you talk about your husband or other men in your life?

How you handle conflict will also teach boys about respectability. Do you demand what you want through intimidation and guilt? If so, this is what he will learn. How you conduct yourselves during conflict will teach him how people ought to be treated when it really matters.

The foundation of a man’s identity is his sense of self-respect. You can help the boys in your life develop healthy self-respect by showing them why they are valuable, that you are proud of them, and what respectability is all about.

I’ll continue this topic tomorrow by sharing some ideas on how to build character in boys.

Lessons on Porn from the British

Apparently the leaders of the British government have had enough of pornography. David Cameron, the Prime Minister of gave a speech recently in which he announced that pornography is “corroding childhood.” He announced that “family-friendly filters would be automatically selected for all new [Internet] customers by the end of the year – although they could choose to switch them off. And millions of existing computer users would be contacted by their internet providers and told they must decide whether to use or not use ‘family-friendly filters’ to restrict adult material.”

If you’d like to read an article that describes this in detail, click here.

What I appreciate about Cameron’s speech is not that his measures will stop people from viewing pornography because people who want to watch porn will find a way. What I appreciate is that he is willing to call pornography wrong. He took a stand to protect the children of his nation.

Secondly, I do believe that Cameron’s initiatives could push back how early children see pornography. Based on the testimonies of students and volunteers that I’ve interacted with, most people’s first contact with pornography happens unintentionally and almost always through the Internet.

With that said, we as parents and youth workers need to come to terms with the fact that kids will see pornography. The latest statistics that I’ve seen reveal that 98% of boys have seen pornography by age 18. More and more kids are introduced to pornography while in elementary school. So what do we do? How to do help our children navigate this? Here are a few thoughts:

CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

First, we need to come to terms with the fact that our children will see pornography. The age where we could keep them from the destructive influence of porn is gone. Now, we must learn to help them navigate a culture in which sex is pervasive.

This doesn’t mean that we simply surrender. In fact, it means that we must be even more vigilant. The first step is to help our elementary age children understand that pornography is wrong. And, if they run into it we want them to talk to us about it. We want our children to process their introduction to porn with us, not friends or the Internet.

MONITOR YOUR KIDS

Watch what your kids are doing online. Set up filters when they are young to protect them. And when they are older, use X3watch. This is a tool that will email you (or any accountability partner) any sketchy sites that your child visited. It is an accountability tool. In my opinion, accountability is better than filters because your child will learn to navigate around filters. X3watch can lead to conversations between you and your child, which is exactly what your child will need.

PORNOGRAPHY IS A DRUG

One of the ways you can help our kids is by explaining the dangers of pornography. We need to stop simply saying, “Don’t do it because it is wrong.” Kids aren’t dumb. They need to understand for themselves why it is dangerous. This video does a nice job of explaining how pornography affects the brain in the way drugs do.

PUBLIC SCREENS

Computers are relatively easy to monitor. Just keep the computer in a public space in your home. Smart phones and tablets are a different story. It is alarming that kids can access pornography anywhere at any time from a device they keep in their pocket.

When setting up boundaries, don’t forget about mobile devices. A good rule is to require that your kids’ phones be charged in a public place overnight. Keep all screens in public places. Also, consider putting X3watch on mobile devices as well.

COMPASSION NOT ANGER

The way we respond to our kids when they confess to looking at porn or when we receive an email from X3watch that reveals what our kids have been looking at will determine whether or not our kids will trust us with accountability and honesty in the future. Respond with compassion and help rather than anger and disappointment.

Especially for teenage boys, pornography is overpowering. They need help navigating our over-sexualized culture rather than a guilt trip. Help them set up boundaries. Yes, consequences are still important but make them constructive.

The stories I hear of students overcoming pornography always involve them coming clean with their parents (particularly their dads) and their parents responding with compassion, love and healthy consequences and boundaries.

Category: Parenting