guest post | Aaron Buer

How to Quit Student Ministry

About 12 years ago I innocently walked up to the volunteer table in the lobby of our church and offered to help out with youth group. I thought it would be a fun thing to do for a while – hang out with teenagers, lead group discussions, and maybe have a sleepover or two. I figured I’d do it for a couple years and then try something else. I mean, no one commits 12 years to a ministry right? You’d be INSANE to spend that long in student ministry right? RIGHT?

Here’s the thing about student ministry; you need to be all in if you want it to matter. I’m the type of person who jumps in with both feet. That means that there were times I laughed so hard my sides hurt (and maybe one time I actually choked and threw up.) Conversely, there were times that I cried, was angry, had my feelings hurt, and wanted to quit. You really don’t get one without the other. With the ups and downs, the 12 years I spent as a volunteer and church staff member were the happiest years of my life.

There does come a day, though, when you know it’s time to step down. Contrary to what Def Leppard wants us to believe it’s not, in fact, better to burn out than fade away. You should know when the time is right to let someone else take your place. And, if you don’t know, the people around you do and are probably dropping hints like Acme anvils. I knew it was time for me to go and didn’t want to overstay my welcome. I wanted to be Derek Jeter, not A-Rod (If you’re not a baseball fan you won’t get that but I’m not sorry because you should be a baseball fan)

So, I said good bye and cried a lot and headed off into the sunset, never to be heard from again.

The thing is though, that didn’t happen. Let me tell you what did happen. I led my last mission trip and then unretired like Brett Favre because my students begged me to. Then, I led another trip the next summer, then I hosted a house group. And you know what else, it turns out students, leaders and parents don’t care that I’m retired and still constantly text and call me. I meet for coffee and go to college sporting events and talk parents in off the ledge when everything seems to be falling apart. I run into kids where they work and get quick hugs and I reassure college students that they are smart and strong and are loved by me and their Heavenly Father. I snuggle the babies of leaders when they watch my daughter play volleyball. I attend weddings and funerals and graduations. So much for retirement.

It turns out student ministry is relational…as in relationships…as in with people. And so, I’m still all in and wouldn’t have it any other way. These are my people and I love them and those kids are my kids and if you mess with them I’ll break your face. So, I guess that means I’m semi-retired? To be honest, it feels like trying to retire from the mafia – a good, friendly, spirit-filled mafia. You wouldn’t understand unless, of course, you spent 12 years in student ministry, in which case, well, you know all about it.

Christina Thelen has been serving in student ministry for 12 years. When she isn’t hanging out with students she can usually be found planning epic events or posting photos to her dog’s Instagram account.

Mentoring Casts a Long Shadow

Melissa was the quietest girl in my group. She had dark hair and beautiful blue eyes. Once her grandma, who picked her up and brought her to our church each week, pulled me aside in the hallway and asked, “Could you keep a special eye on Melissa? Things are really rough at home right now.”

Melissa wasn’t one of the girls who would run up and give me a hug when I walked in the room. She wasn’t bouncing up and down, just dying to tell me about the prank they had just played on the boys. Melissa would just give me a shy smile. She hung back. She didn’t say much during our discussion and prayer time.

But in her eyes I saw a hunger for more. She was hurting. She was looking for hope.

By spring, the girls in my group had earned enough points (by memorizing verses, doing their quiet time sheets, and attending regularly) for a party at my house. We decided to have an Orange Party—which meant we would wear orange clothes, eat orange food, and do an orange scavenger hunt in my neighborhood.

After an orange-filled afternoon, I pulled the girls into a huddle on the floor in my basement, and told them the story of Jesus dying on the cross and rising again. It wasn’t the first time I had told it. It wasn’t the first time they had heard it. But for two girls, it was the first time the story overlapped with their stories.

Melissa was one of those girls. I remember the sweet intensity of her prayer, as she asked Jesus to save her from her sin and be her Lord. And I remember her smile afterward—those big blue eyes sparkling.

I moved away shortly after this, and I didn’t hear from Melissa for about fifteen years. Then, last summer, she sent me a message via facebook.

Melissa was a young mom now. Life hadn’t been easy. She was expecting her third baby, and she wasn’t married. And even though she hadn’t made the best choices, she wanted to come back to God. She was reaching out to me because she knew I could help. And it’s been my great delight to do so!

As we’ve reconnected, I’ve silently wondered why Melissa thought to reach out to me. We live in different states now. We probably wouldn’t have recognized each other on the street. And there probably are Christians whose paths cross with Melissa’s.

I’ve thought about several other girls, too, who have reconnected with me over the years. One girl was in my cabin at a summer camp. Eight years after I led her to Jesus at camp, she was struggling with suicidal thoughts. So she looked up my address and wrote me a letter, asking me to pray.

Another girl contacted me via facebook, just after she got married. She said that she had just packed the little book mark I gave her in middle school. The bookmark’s glow-in-the-dark cross didn’t glow anymore, but it had been on her nightstand for years, reminding her of the things I had taught her about God. She said, “If you hadn’t been there… I really think my life could have gone another way.” She just wanted to write and say thanks.

To each of these girls, I somehow represented a time that their eyes were opened to Jesus. I’m the one who got to put their hands in His.

This is what youth ministry is all about! Putting their hands in His. We only have a few moments to walk with them. Pretty soon, they’ll be walking away from our church, our youth ministry, our influence. Will they walk with Jesus?

lf we never ask that question, I doubt whether mentoring will truly happen. If we don’t dream about who are kids are becoming and where they are going in life, we’ll be content to eat orange food, wear orange clothes, and call it a day of youth ministry.

But on the other hand, true mentoring casts a long shadow. When we care enough to cross over into our kids’ lives, we can make a difference that extends into the coming decades and ultimately crosses into eternity. We can bring little blue eyed girls like Melissa with us to heaven.

Shannon Popkin is so thankful for the 10+ years that she got to serve in various capacities of youth ministry. Nowadays, she focuses on ministering to the three kids who constantly fill both her laundry baskets with dirty clothes, and her heart with joy. Shannon and her husband Ken have been married for almost eighteen years, and they are so thankful for the support they get from Ada Bible’s Lifeline (youth group) in raising their kids to know and love God.

As a writer and speaker, Shannon loves to encourage women to put their hope in God. Check out her blog, Tiny Paragraphs, at www.shannonpopkin.com.

photo credited to iamdogjunkie via Flickr

Tenacious Mothering

Somehow my daughter turned 21 a few days ago. I still don’t really understand how this happened but I can assure you it has nothing to do with me getting older.

When I announced to a close friend that Melanie was going out that evening to celebrate she shocked me with a question I didn’t know how to answer

“Did you tell her not to take a drink from anyone she doesn’t know?” “Well, no…I didn’t tell her that.” “Because you never know what someone could put in a drink before they give it to her…”

Needless to say, I freaked out and left my daughter a long impassioned voicemail that went something like this:

“Don’t take drinks from strangers and don’t ever go to the bathroom by yourself and don’t drink anything that is made in a garbage can or a bath tub and don’t do shots because they make you stupid and don’t drive even if you’ve only had a few drinks and don’t go anywhere with anyone you don’t know and most guys you meet in a bar are trying to figure out how to get in your pants!”

Yes, I panicked. My sweet little innocent baby girl was going out into the world and I wasn’t sure if I had said everything that I needed to say so I just opened up the fire hose and left nothing to chance.

The good news is that I haven’t left much unsaid over the last 21 years. I was always the mom who said the weird awkward things. I talked to her about sex and boyfriends. I talked to her about catfights and how boys really think. I talked to her about what it feels like to have your heart broken. I talked to her about being resilient. I was open and honest and brought anything that she tried to keep in the dark out in the light. Sometimes it went really well and sometimes it was messy and ugly. But either way we talked about it.

So whether you have a 1 year old or a 21 year old, my advice is this: start talking. Whatever age you think you should start talking to your kids about sex, partying and friends—start earlier than that. If you have a teenager, start now. Be weird, creepy, and awkward. At least they’ll know what creepy sounds like when they run into it.

Ask them questions even if you’re afraid to know the answers. I know it’s a tough idea to implement but be persistent and relentless and for crying out loud man up! No one ever said parenting would be easy. If your kid isn’t ticked off at you at least 30% of the time you’re probably not doing it right.

Trust me when I say that down the road your kids will appreciate your intrusiveness. A couple summers ago my husband and I dropped Melanie off at her first apartment in Chicago. As we drove away I was shouting obnoxiously out the window “Don’t let a stranger carry your groceries! Nothing good happens after midnight! Always park under a streetlight!” And on and on until we wear out of earshot.

She just smiled and waved and I was sure she knew how tenaciously I love her.

Guest Blogger: Christina Thelen has been serving in student ministry for over 8 years and has been tenaciously mothering for over 21. When she isn’t volunteering with students she can usually be found planning epic events or posting cat pictures to Facebook.

Small Group Fail

Do you ever feel like you totally dropped the ball as a small group leader? I don’t mean those times where you go in for the appropriate side hug and get full-frontal attacked by a student, or the times you make some awkward comment to a 9^th grade girl about her boyfriend without knowing they broke up two hours earlier. I’m talking about times that you flat-out fail on your own merit.

In case you hadn’t guessed, I am no stranger to those gut wrenching evenings of small group time where nothing is accomplished and the only one to blame is yourself. For me, I particularly get caught up in the “not being prepared” vain of failure. It’s not that I don’t think preparation is important, I just run out of time (so I tell myself). Annoyingly, I’ve discovered that when I do prepare, my small group is typically inattentive, and when I don’t they’re more ready to listen then ever—and I have nothing to say. Knowing I’m responsible for dropping the ball in those cases invites a very different feeling in me than when something I try simply doesn’t work. I’m sure you are all too smart for this, but I sort of have a tendency to beat myself up when this happens—because as the leader, I’m supposed to be the holy one, right? Not the unprepared, lazy kid. It’s in these moments that I think, “Who the heck let me in here?”

Yet when I have utterly botched up small group leadership and feel I am no longer worthy to be a leader, I remind myself of a few things. If you’ve ever been there, I invite you to scan this list as well. I know you already understand that God’s bigger than your stupid moments, but it’s good to be reminded. Here is my reminder list in times of failure:

You are not finished learning

No matter how long you’ve been leading a small group—whether it’s months or decades—you will never be a perfect leader. There will inevitably be days you’re not prepared, days you say the wrong thing, and days when no one responds to your questions or jokes. As it turns out, no matter how many people tell you you’re a great leader, you’ll never be done learning what that looks like. (There’s a head shrinker for you.)

The group isn’t lost

If you’re an invested leader who tries to build relationships and speak truth to students, one bad week won’t scatter the sheep. In youth ministry, we like to remind our leaders about how little time they have with their students because it’s good for them to feel urgency with kids they often see only 30 times a year (or less). But while it’s good to be reminded of how little time we have, it’s also good to keep in mind that one bad week is still only 3% bad in a year. The rest of the year could be 97% good! Don’t beat yourself up, just strive to grow toward that new 97% goal. (I guess you could strive for extra credit and take your kids out to ice cream too, but I’m not guaranteeing you’ll get your 3% back.)

Tell ‘em: adults mess up too

It’s easy to tell our small group kids that they need to own up to their messes (because let’s be honest, many of them have obvious messes to clean up). It’s a lot harder to admit that we screw up too. Talking about past mistakes you’ve grown out of is one thing, but admitting you still mess up is another. Yet I think if we miss out on these opportunities to tell our students when we drop the ball, we miss showing them what confession looks like. Some students may not have ever seen a real apology.

You screwing up is an opportunity to:

model what it is to ask forgiveness, even for something small
model humility as a leader

You’d be surprised how much respect you can gain by admitting you’re still not perfect. I mean, don’t make it a habit or anything, but a one-time screw up could actually draw your group closer to you.

So next time you don’t prepare, or you lose your temper, or you roll your eyes when you should’ve said something supportive, remind yourself of these things. And most importantly, keep going. Our enemy would like you to give up; God’s given you the grace to move forward. If you haven’t noticed, he’s pretty good at using imperfect people to turn out epic results.

Guest Blogger: Elisa Talmage has spent over six years as small group leader of kids from 4^th to 9^th grade. She is now on staff as the Female Small Groups Coordinator at Ada Bible Church and is currently pursuing a Master of Arts in Counselor Education. Elisa grew up in Cleveland, Ohio, where she and her husband met in fifth grade.

image credited to Chuckumentary

Confusing Motion With Fruit

Recently, I heard from a youth worker I haven’t seen in a long time. They were carrying on about how busy their summer was. They were bragging of the 17 trips and events that they are bringing their junior high ministry kids on this summer. After this conversation, I really felt called to take a nap. I was tired.

After i thought about it, it began to make me sad that this veteran of youth ministry was still under the notion that having a flurry of activity was critical to making disciples. Maybe I am just getting old, but I tend to disagree. Those of us in youth ministry have tended to replace discipleship with events.

Don’t get me wrong, I think some events are helpful and even help with kids becoming more like Jesus. But, I also believe that it’s time that we slow down and make more progress towards conforming kids to the image of Christ. Our goal in youth ministry is just that, that the kids God has called us to reach, become more like him. Over the years, there have been some helpful thoughts and questions that need to be considered before we fill up our schedules.

1. Make sure the event builds the mission. Instead of just planning an event, make sure you have the relational element. Instead of just taking kids to an amusement park, make sure kids are experiencing this event in small groups with a godly adult mentoring and building relationships along the way.

2. Give parents tools to use to disciple. Many times we feel like we can do better than parents (unfortunately we are correct in some cases), but we God has given a powerful responsibility to disciple our own kids. By building into parents we can free up the youth ministry schedule and equip them to spend time with their kids in a redemptive way.

3. Less is often more. I like to be busy. It feeds our egos, makes us feel irreplaceable and even keeps us from focusing on our own spiritual walk, but we must change our paradigm. A few quality experiences seems to have so much greater value than taking our kids in multiple directions.

I would suggest that we take a hard look at the craziness our schedules have produced and evaluate the fruit of our ministry calendars. I can’t help but think of John 15:2 that says “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” Maybe its time to get out the pruning shears and see more fruit and less motion.

Dan Kregel has served as the Executive Director of GRMYFC since 2007. Dan previously served as the Pastor of Student Ministries for about18 years at Calvary Church in Grand Rapids, MI. Dan serves on the Board of Trustees for Youth Ministry International (which trains Youth Workers all over the world) and the S-Factor (A local ministry that teaches kids about sexual purity). Dan has also written many articles on Youth Ministry including for Youthworker Journal. Dan studied at Moody Bible Institute, Grace Bible College and Cornerstone University. He is currently working on a Masters degree in ministry leadership. Dan lives in Grand Rapids and is married with four Children where he serves at his church in the student ministries department. You can read his blog here.

Guest Post: Why Volunteers Matter

Growing up, I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to go to youth group at church. I always thought it looked like they were having so much fun. They were so cool and they got to do so many fun things. It turns out I wasn’t wrong.

I spent my two years of junior high buying in to “youth group” and doing my best to be at all the events. Then I did the same in my four years of high school. I think I got lucky and had a group of fellow students who wanted to be part of a community and leaders who wanted to cultivate that kind of environment. I can’t begin to explain in a single blog post how valuable my time spent at youth group was as I was growing up, but here goes nothing…

I really believe that youth group volunteers have the power to be some of the most influential people in the lives of students. I can tell you confidently that God placed my youth group leaders in my life to change it. Without them and the experiences I had I’m honestly not sure where I would be. See, as I was going through those formative years, my home life was splintering apart. It was those Sunday mornings and Thursday nights where I felt like I belonged to something bigger. Where I felt like I was part of a family who loved me and with people who wanted to see me grow. It was those days where my leader took me out to lunch that I’ll never forget. Any extra time spent with these people, the adults I looked up to, was revolutionary for me. Truly.

Because of these experiences I knew I had to pursue some type of student ministry as I moved into college and adult life. I’ve been volunteering with my church’s junior high group for about the last five years. It’s been such a ride and I wouldn’t have rather spent these years any other way. It’s the least I could do to give back what I feel was given to me. So I guess if you’ll let me I wanted to issue a challenge to anyone who might be reading this. Step up, get involved in the lives of some younger people. You may not ever know how much you mean to them, but I promise you they are looking. Whether you’re already involved or not at all. Take an extra step. If you’re already volunteering in some way make it a point to get really involved in a student’s life, find out about what sports they play, find out about their family life. You might be shocked at how eager and willing they are to learn from you and spend more time with you.

I graduated from youth group and never wanted to leave. I experienced first hand what impact relationships born from student-leader interactions can have. I knew I had to be willing to let God use me in whatever way He wanted. I tried to be the type of person that my leaders were for me and I’d encourage all of you to try your hand and see what mark you can leave on your student’s lives. One question, one conversation could turn everything around. You just have to be willing to take that extra step.

Jordan Mears never actually left junior high. He’s a 22-year old college student serving in his fifth year as a junior high small group leader at South Church in Lansing, MI. He co-founded the Dons, a legendary church softball dynasty and currently works as a sports copy editor for the Lansing State Journal.

Guest Post: 1 Catastrophe>50 Youth Groups

I’m the most organized person I know. If you know me you probably agree. If you don’t know me, let me send you an outline and schedule of how and when we can get together to become friends. This is why I hate when things go awry.

After 7 years of working in student ministry I have learned that there is no amount planning that can prepare you for the things that can (and will) go wrong when you’re working with students.

Anytime I hang out with high school students who have been around our student ministry for a while, the conversation tends to drift toward those chaotic events we all want to forget. “Do you remember when…

…when we got lost in Canada?”
…when everyone on the bus puked the whole way back from NC?”
…when Sean busted his face open on the tubing hill and his eye was falling out?”
…when they served us raw chicken at camp?”
…when the police showed up?”
…when you lost the Hecht family’s cat?”

Sigh. Yes, I remember. I recall every ridiculous thing that has ever gone wrong at every camp, mission trip and event we’ve ever done and so does everyone else. Why can’t anyone ever bring up the time we flawlessly served 350 cupcakes to our graduates and families? Or the time we came back from a mission trip on schedule with no injuries? No one remembers the brilliant teachings, artistically perfect worship sets or flawlessly executed events.

But, even with all of my type ‘A’ tendencies, I am completely fine with that. Students are going to remember the catastrophes. That’s where stories get interesting and memories are made. When it comes to building relationships, one catastrophe is worth 50 nights of youth group. So instead of freaking out, capitalize on the good fortune!

When things go wrong and you manage to right the ship and carry on, you build an extra supply of relational equity with your students. They will remember that you took control, made it work, and didn’t freak out (ok, maybe you freaked out a little). In the end, the crazy times reveal who you really are. When students see you in the midst of struggle and chaos it breaks down barriers and opens the door for greater ministry.

So, the next time all of your buses get stuck on the way to snow camp (not that it has ever happened to us…..twice) try to remember that you’ve hit the jackpot! You’re creating memories and experiences that will connect you to your students for a lifeline.

Christina Thelen has been involved in student ministry for 7 years. That’s 49 dog years. For the last 4 years she has served as the Department Coordinator of LifeLine–the student ministry of Ada Bible Church.

Tag: guest post