Tag: fathers

How to Convince Your Daugher That She Is Lovable

The other night I had a panic attack.  You see, my daughter told me that her best friends are in love.  They kissed on the lips at recess and danced.  SCANDAL!  If you’re wondering, my daughter is in kindergarten….well, she was.  Now she’s home-schooled.

Someday, a LONG time from now I’d like for my daughters to fall in love.  Maybe.  Wait.  Never mind.  OK, I want them to fall in love but not until they’re like 40.  OK, fine.  I want them to fall in love but it has to be with someone who is worthy of them.  Forget it.  No one ever will be.

Sigh.  Alright, alright, someday I’ll let my daughters date but these guys had better not hurt them or else I’ll track them down and dispatch them with a flurry of vicious rhetoric.

Hypothetically, if I were to let my daughter date, I’d really only have one requirement.  See, I’m not that demanding. It’s just one little thing.  He must treasure her.  He must treat her like she is the most valuable person in his life.  What would this look like practically?  I came up with a list:

  • It means he puts her first
  • It means that he would never hurt her or force her into anything
  • It means that he would never yell at her, intimidate her or hit her
  • It means that he would never abandon her
  • It means that he would see into her heart and love her beyond her body
  • It means that he would learn to understand her moods
  • It means that he would never love another women except her.
  • It means that he would take care of her as they both grow old
  • It means that he would treasure her beyond all else in life.

Here’s the problem.  I know she is worth it but she doesn’t.  In my experience, most girls don’t understand how valuable they are.  Our culture convinces girls that their worth is based on how they look and what boys think about them.  It scares me to death that my daughters will grow up comparing themselves to the girls on magazine covers.  It terrifies me that her self-image might be dependent on what some teenage boy says about her.

So, how do you convince your daughter that she is valuable?  How do you convince her that she is worth more than what she looks like?  I think it’s a constant battle. It is repeated conversations.  She needs to be told over and over again.  But, while words are crucial, it’s important to remember that kids learn far more from observing than being told.  Fathers teach their daughters what value is all about in the ways that they talk about, and look at women .  Girls, even little girls, pick up on the subtlest expressions.  Whatever is in your heart, she will pick up on it.

From what I have learned, if I want to convince my daughter that she is worth being treasured, I need to treasure her mother.  My daughter is building expectations around her parents’ relationship.  She will experience a gravitational pull toward the kind of man I am.  I need to compliment my wife and my daughters on more than their looks and clothes.  Essentially, I need to treat my wife and my daughter exactly how I want her future boyfriend to treat her.  I must treasure them.  She will come to expect and desire what she knows and has experienced.

So, dads, we have a monumental task before us.  If you want your daughter to successfully navigate the minefield that is our culture, if you want her to end up with a man who loves her like she deserves, you need to treasure your wife and your daughter.  She’s smarter than you think.  If she is in middle school, she is already more relationally perceptive than you are.  You can’t fool her.  Love the women in your life authentically.  Start now.

 

 

photo credited to Rodrigo Amorim via Flickr

 

An Open Letter to Fathers

A few weeks into this whole blogging thing I wrote a post based on a teaching I gave to our students during our spring sexuality series.  The post blew up.  Women were posting it all over Facebook, Twitter and even Pintrest.  I was shocked and sort of embarrassed about being on Pintrest.  I still feel like I lost a few man points there.

The post was all about identity and value.  The central idea was, “You are immensely valuable and beautiful because God made you and loves you. Your sexuality is a precious gift.  Protect it.”  You can read it here if you like.

I received so much positive feedback from this post and I still can’t believe how many people have read and shared it.  The question is…why?

THE TRUTH

Here’s the thing:  I’m no expert on girls or sexuality.  I’m married and have two cute little daughters but I would consider myself to be a novice at understanding girls.   I haven’t remotely figured out my wife either.  Every time things get emotional at my house you can find me in a corner with a pillow over my head.  And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous idea that someday my daughters will want to date.

All this is to say, I really don’t think my blog post went “Pintrest” because I’m an eloquent writer or because I have some newfangled understanding of girls and sexuality.  It must be something else.

I think the answer lies in a question: Why do so few girls feel good about themselves?  Why are so many girls susceptible to guys who are interested in nothing more than a few hours with their body?

I know that we live in a messed up culture that uses sex to sell everything from cologne to cereal and that girls are conditioned through advertising to find value solely in the way they look but honestly, I’m not sure that culture is the biggest problem.

I CAN’T HEAR YOU

I think the problem has less to do what girls are hearing through culture and more to do with what girls aren’t hearing at home.  Why is it that the only guys who are communicating value to girls are men who want to take advantage of them?  Where are the fathers, brothers, uncles and grandfathers who are supposed to be communicating value to our girls?  This, I believe is the core of the problem.

The feedback I’ve received over and over from girls is: “I wish someone would have told me these things before…”  Speaking as a father, we need to start speaking up!  Our daughters, nieces, and granddaughters need to be told over and over again that they are beautiful and valuable, that God created them just the way they are on purpose, and that only a guy who will love them on a heart level is worth their time.  The first, “you are beautiful” should not come from some punk looking to take advantage of her.

SPEAK UP

I think we are guilty of making assumptions.  We believe that somehow our girls just know.  We assume that how we feel about them is obvious.  It isn’t.  In the absence of positive words they assume the worst.  Tell her that she is beautiful.  Tell her that she is special.  Tell her that only guys of the highest quality are worth her time.  Tell her that her sexuality is a precious gift.  Tell her that you’re proud of her and that God loves her.

God put you in her life to guide her.  Speak up.  I think you’ll be amazed by how much impact your words will have.

 

image credited to jjpacres

4 Things Great Dads Do

I loved seeing all the tweets, posts and pictures about fathers yesterday.  The question I was mulling over yesterday afternoon was this:  What exactly makes for a great father?  Here’s what I came up with:

1.       LOVE YOUR WIFE

Nowhere in our culture do we see healthy marriages—not on TV, not in movies, rarely at your kid’s friend’s house.  Good marriages are a lost art.  Please understand that you are probably the only chance your kids have at seeing a good marriage.  Put your love on display.  Treasure your wife, take her out, take her on vacation, kiss her in front of your kids and talk about her with your kids like she is the queen of the world.

It’s never too late to start doing this.  It doesn’t matter if it’s your first or fourteenth marriage or if you’re divorced and single.  Even the way you talk about your ex-wife is important.  Teach your children to value women for more than just their bodies.

2.       A GREAT DAD MODELS FAITH

Kids learn by watching.  Unfortunately, in many families, faith is something that only happens on Sunday morning.  If you want your kids to develop a faith that permeates every aspect of their life then you need to live out that kind of faith in front of them.

Deuteronomy  6 is a great template for how to live out faith in your home:

6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Translation:  talk about your faith all the time!  Let your kids see how it affects your decisions, the way you talk, how you handle your money and what media you engage with.  The truth is that your kids will most likely end up with the same faith you have.  Will you be happy with the result?

3.       A GREAT DAD INVESTS IN HIS KIDS

Kids need attention.  I’m talking about 2 year olds and 20 year olds. One of the greatest mistakes I see dads making is not spending time enough with their kids.  Dads are too busy.

There is no greater investment that you can make.  No one, upon their death bed has ever said, “I spent way too much time with my kids.”  At the end, nearly every person wishes they had invested more in what matters.

Fathers, your kids crave your attention, affection, and words.  If you give to them liberally as they are growing up you are very likely to have a close relationship with them as they grow older.  Work can wait.  Your kids won’t.

4.       A GREAT DAD HOLDS THE LINE

Kids don’t naturally make good decisions.  They are fallen creatures who are bent towards selfishness and destructive habits.  I see too many tired dads giving up on boundaries as their kids get older.  Please don’t.  Believe it or not, kids want boundaries and they will grow up to be better people because of them.  Hold the line.  Don’t give up.  Your kids need your authority in their lives.

To My Dad

My dad is a boss.  Seriously, when it comes to being a man, my dad wins.  What I’m trying to say is that my dad can beat up your dad.

Now that we have that out of the way, I wanted to share a few thoughts on what my dad has taught me about life and manhood.

1.       COMMITMENT

My parents sort of took the unconventional approach to 30+ years of wedded bliss.  Usually, couples who get pregnant in high school and are forced to marry don’t make it 3 years let alone 30.  When my mom got pregnant my dad dropped out of school and went to work for his hard driving grandfather in his water well drilling business.   Not only did my dad stay committed to my mom through those rocky years but he has stayed in that business for just as long.  Now he owns it.  My dad taught me to commit to what is important.  You don’t quit on a job, you don’t quit on your sports team, and you don’t quit on your marriage.  I told you he is a boss.

2.       DO IT RIGHT

Not only is my dad the hardest worker I know but he’s also the most accurate worker I know.  He’s a perfectionist who does something right the first time or he doesn’t even mess with it.  If he gets into a hobby you can expect him to be awesome at it in short order.  For example, he decided to make my mom garden boxes this year and although he’s never made one in his life, they look better than anything you could buy at Home Depot.

I couldn’t be more different from my dad in this way.  The first time around, I suck.  Always.  But, his perfectionism has shaped me.  My dad has always pushed me to be excellent and organized.   I sincerely believe that his influence has made me a better man.

3.       PASS ON YOUR PASSIONS

My dad is a man of passion.  He goes full-bore at whatever he attempts.  One of the great things about growing up in his family is that I got to tag along on his crazy adventures.  When he was into drag racing, we took our mullets to the race track.  drag racing

When he was into karate, he taught me how to spar.  When he was into hunting, he left me in the woods for a week.  OK, I didn’t love that.  But, he did introduce me to one of my life’s passions—beach volleyball.  He would take me along with him to the beach 3 times a week and even built a killer beach court in our backyard.  It was the 80s so it had hot pink poles and neon yellow court lines.  This is when I became popular.

Here’s a lesson for young fathers:  Whatever you’re into, just bring your kids along.  They just want to be with you and they might pick up a passion along the way.

4.       LIFE ISN’T ABOUT YOU

My dad has always been great about serving.  When I was in high school, he was hands down the best volunteer youth group leader ever.  He was that guy that all the students loved.

When it comes to money, my dad is generous.  He taught me from a young age that you give back to the church and live within your means.

My dad has also become a legendary well driller.  He’s truly a master of his field.  You’d never know it though.  He’s quiet and unassuming.  If I were him, I’d start a blog about well drilling and constantly talk about how awesome I am.  But that’s not him.

Instead of making a big deal about himself he serves.  Instead of taking his talents to south beach, he takes them to Africa and quietly resources Nigerian well drillers.  He equips and resources Nigerian well drillers to do great work and lets them have the spotlight.  You can check out this ministry here.

In short, my dad is an amazing man.  He’s taught me so much that I’ll still be sorting out how he’s shaped and influenced me for years to come.  Happy Father’s Day Dad!