Category: Marriage

How to Convince Your Daugher That She Is Lovable

The other night I had a panic attack.  You see, my daughter told me that her best friends are in love.  They kissed on the lips at recess and danced.  SCANDAL!  If you’re wondering, my daughter is in kindergarten….well, she was.  Now she’s home-schooled.

Someday, a LONG time from now I’d like for my daughters to fall in love.  Maybe.  Wait.  Never mind.  OK, I want them to fall in love but not until they’re like 40.  OK, fine.  I want them to fall in love but it has to be with someone who is worthy of them.  Forget it.  No one ever will be.

Sigh.  Alright, alright, someday I’ll let my daughters date but these guys had better not hurt them or else I’ll track them down and dispatch them with a flurry of vicious rhetoric.

Hypothetically, if I were to let my daughter date, I’d really only have one requirement.  See, I’m not that demanding. It’s just one little thing.  He must treasure her.  He must treat her like she is the most valuable person in his life.  What would this look like practically?  I came up with a list:

  • It means he puts her first
  • It means that he would never hurt her or force her into anything
  • It means that he would never yell at her, intimidate her or hit her
  • It means that he would never abandon her
  • It means that he would see into her heart and love her beyond her body
  • It means that he would learn to understand her moods
  • It means that he would never love another women except her.
  • It means that he would take care of her as they both grow old
  • It means that he would treasure her beyond all else in life.

Here’s the problem.  I know she is worth it but she doesn’t.  In my experience, most girls don’t understand how valuable they are.  Our culture convinces girls that their worth is based on how they look and what boys think about them.  It scares me to death that my daughters will grow up comparing themselves to the girls on magazine covers.  It terrifies me that her self-image might be dependent on what some teenage boy says about her.

So, how do you convince your daughter that she is valuable?  How do you convince her that she is worth more than what she looks like?  I think it’s a constant battle. It is repeated conversations.  She needs to be told over and over again.  But, while words are crucial, it’s important to remember that kids learn far more from observing than being told.  Fathers teach their daughters what value is all about in the ways that they talk about, and look at women .  Girls, even little girls, pick up on the subtlest expressions.  Whatever is in your heart, she will pick up on it.

From what I have learned, if I want to convince my daughter that she is worth being treasured, I need to treasure her mother.  My daughter is building expectations around her parents’ relationship.  She will experience a gravitational pull toward the kind of man I am.  I need to compliment my wife and my daughters on more than their looks and clothes.  Essentially, I need to treat my wife and my daughter exactly how I want her future boyfriend to treat her.  I must treasure them.  She will come to expect and desire what she knows and has experienced.

So, dads, we have a monumental task before us.  If you want your daughter to successfully navigate the minefield that is our culture, if you want her to end up with a man who loves her like she deserves, you need to treasure your wife and your daughter.  She’s smarter than you think.  If she is in middle school, she is already more relationally perceptive than you are.  You can’t fool her.  Love the women in your life authentically.  Start now.

 

 

photo credited to Rodrigo Amorim via Flickr

 

Why PDA is Good

I have a confession.  I’m not a big fan of PDA.  If I see you at the mall kissing on your significant other I will judge you and throw up a little in my mind.  I’m sorry.   It might be that I’m significantly Dutch and we’re a reserved kind of folk.  Or, maybe I’m just weird or maybe you are for kissing at the mall.  Gross.   I don’t know, but either way, please don’t get too affectionate around me.  We can’t be friends if you do.

I’ve recently discovered that my issues with PDA don’t apply to my kids.  What I mean is that every time I give my wife a hug or a kiss my kids make a huge deal about it.  “Ahhh!  Sick!  Daddy kissed Mommy!”  They freak out and act like they are throwing up every time.  Being affectionate with my wife feels like I’m that weird kid from elementary school who catches frogs and shoves them in your face.

It didn’t take me long to realize that my kids aren’t actually grossed out by affection.  The, “Daddy, kiss Mommy again!” was a dead giveaway.  I remember reading somewhere that showing affection in front of your kids is good for them.  I’ve experienced this firsthand.  I get the sense that seeing tangible expressions of their parents’ love brings a sort of steadiness to my kids.  Children build their lives upon what they see in their parents and there is something about knowing your parents love each other that makes everything feel right.

The other night, as we were tucking our kids into bed, they began asking questions about when Katie and I met in college.  They were curious about the details of who we were back then and they couldn’t really get their minds around the idea that there was a time when we weren’t together.

As it turns out, when we were dating in college, I wrote my then girlfriend Katie a children’s book.  It is the story of how we met, fell in love and started dating.  Yes, it is terribly cheesy and the illustrations are a disaster, but she loved it and it probably sealed the deal for our then future marriage.

Anyway, my kids were asking so many questions about our early days that my wife dug the book out of her secret box and brought it to the kids.  We read a couple chapters and they were enthralled.  It was like they were Harry Potter discovering magic.  There were a few moments of controversy though.  “Wait!  Mommy, you had a different boyfriend before Daddy?!?”  It was like we opened up a new world that they never knew existed.  They nearly went into revolt when the time came to put the book away and go to sleep.

The whole episode taught me something.  Kids need concrete examples.  They need to know that their parents love each other because it builds a sort of trust and strength in them.  I’m learning that being affectionate and telling our story to our kids is very good for them.  I guess I’d better get over my Dutchness, but can we all agree to ease up on the PDA?  Disgusting.

 

photo credited to @Doug88888 via Flickr

Falling out of Love

A few weeks ago I had the privilege of officiating the wedding of one of my good friends.  If you’re wondering, yes I can legally do this and no I didn’t screw it up.

As a pastor, a wedding sermon is an incredibly unique opportunity to speak to a couple who isn’t hearing a darn thing you’re saying.  If you’ve ever been in a wedding you know exactly what I mean.  The bridesmaids are busy trying not to cry and or topple over in their heels and the groomsman are concentrating on breathing and keeping their knees bent so that they don’t faint.  And the bride and groom?   They are staring at each other, as they ought to be.

Basically, I know I’m speaking to the audience because no one on the stage is paying attention to me.  Perhaps this is an opportunity encourage a marriage that is struggling.  That was my strategy and here’s what I shared.

GOD INVENTED MARRIAGE

Marriage was God’s idea.  He invented it.  We have recorded in the early pages of the book of Genesis God exclaiming that the purpose of marriage is oneness.  “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”  Oneness makes sense because it reflects the perfect unity within the trinity.  We were created in the image of God and God exists in intimate and perfect relationship.

So that’s the purpose of marriage.  Let’s be real, you don’t see a lot of oneness in marriage these days—not on TV, not in real life, not hardly anywhere.  Which raises a great question, if that’s what God’s dream for marriage is, how in the world do you actually get there? I’m glad you asked.

A NEW COMMANDMENT

The best marriage advice I’ve ever heard is actually not marriage advice.  It comes from the Gospel of John.  As Jesus was teaching his disciples, he gave them a new commandment:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

The idea is this:  Regardless of what is going on…love one another.  When your husband forgets your anniversary, love one another.  When your wife says something snarky and disrespectful, love one another other.  To be a follower of Jesus is to love one another.

LOVE IS NOT AN EMOTION

Most of us have misinterpreted what love actually is.  We believe that love is something that you feel.  And yet, Jesus commanded us to love.  He’s talking about something active.  Like DcTalk said way back in the day, “Love is a verb.”  Love is action.

THE SECRET SAUCE

Our thinking typically goes like this: “If I feel loved then I will love her.”  Or, “When my needs are met, I’ll care for his needs.”  What if we flip this around? What if we act in love first?  I believe this is what Jesus is getting at.  You see, the truth is that emotions follow actions.  We think that if we don’t feel love then we must have fallen out of love.  This is a fundamental misunderstanding of what love is.  Love is a verb.  It’s an action, not an emotion.

DON’T WAIT

I believe that almost any marriage can be rebuilt around this principle.  Jesus commanded me to love so I will love.  If you begin to love your spouse through your actions, the emotions associated with love will follow over time.

However, if you wait to love your spouse until after the emotions come back you’ll wait forever.  Love isn’t something that you fall out of.  Love is something you do.  Don’t wait.  Start loving your spouse now.

 

If you thought this concept was profound you are right! I learned this idea from Andy Stanley.  Check out this sermon:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riA0O8yoCew

 

image credited to Meyer Felix

 

 

 

 

Winning at Dating | Happily Married

Most people seem to think that someday they’ll end up happily married.  However, when you look around the neighborhood and think about divorce statistics, it seems that most people aren’t exactly happy in marriage.  If anything, most people are begrudgingly married or formerly married–or in some cases, both.  That doesn’t sound fun at all.

I happen to think that the way you date has a lot to do with how happily you’ll be married.  If you are smart at dating, you’ll likely be smart at marriage.  Let’s be honest, marriage isn’t rocket science.  The trouble is the habits and baggage that you bring into marriage—and there’s that whole thing of that other person and all the habits and baggage they bring into the game.

This week, I’ve been blogging about how to win at dating–self image and boundaries.  I want to end this series by talking about the end result of dating.  Specifically, how do you marry the right person?

ACCIDENTALLY IN LOVE

I love the lyric of the Counting Crows song from Shrek, “We’re accidentally in love.”  That’s exactly how falling in love works.  It’s an accident.  No one can plan it.

The first thing about finding the right person that you need to understand is that it will likely start with accidentally falling in love.   Unless of course you’re some sort of all-star who has loved the same girl since Kindergarten and always known that she is the one.  If that’s you, go ahead and stop reading.

GOOD FRIENDS

For the rest of us, you will most likely accidentally fall in love with someone that you are friends with.  In my experience, love at first sight is pretty rare.  It’s far more likely that you’ll realize one day that Jane, who you’ve been hanging out with for a few months, is very attractive and fun.  “Wait a second, I’m falling for Jane!”  Love usually requires a little time and proximity to develop.  Also, friendships provide time and space for observing a person’s true character.

Because of this, it’s important to hang out with good people.  Why?  Because you might end up married to one of them.  Life is a path.  Where you end up is directly related to the everyday decisions you make.  Choose your friends wisely.

I previously wrote about this concept here.  The idea is this:  if you want good coffee, don’t go to Denny’s

THE EVOLUTION OF DATING

As I’ve mentioned before, many people are so desperate for attention and affection that they make terrible decisions about who to date.  Here’s the thing: dating relationships evolve.  They usually begin as fairly casual and fun and then over time they sometimes develop into something more—like a wedding.

Let me explain it this way:  I had 5 serious dating relationships in high school and college.  One of these dating relationships (by far the best one…if my wife is reading!) ended in marriage.  In an odd way, that means that each relationship stood a 20% chance of ending in marriage.  That is a little scary.

I bring this up to say that each serious dating relationship that you end up in has a decent chance of ending in marriage.  So, who you choose to date is very important.  If you don’t want to end up married to a guy who                     .  Don’t date a guy who                          .  Feel free to insert whatever deplorable thing you can’t stand in the blank.

It amazes me when people date someone they say they would never marry because they could very likely end up married to that person.  My advice, only date people who you think are marriage material.  It’s a better and safer approach to dating.

 

image credited to Nathalie Orengo

Winning at Dating | Boundaries

Dating without establishing boundaries is something like driving on icy mountain roads without guardrails.  It’s dangerous and rather dumb.  Most people who find themselves beyond their boundaries realize their mistake far too late because they never verbalized them in the first place.

This week I am blogging about dating—specifically, how to win at dating.  One of the smartest things you can do to win at dating is to establish and maintain boundaries in three different areas.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES

When it comes to boundaries, people typically talk about sex.  However, sex is not the only boundary worth talking about.  In fact, for girls in particular, crossing emotional boundaries can be just as painful as physical ones.

Women, I’ve discovered, are incredibly emotional creatures.  I’m convinced that girls experience emotions that I don’t even know about.  I only have 4 emotions—mad, love, happy and hungry.  Is hungry an emotion?  Nevermind.

Anyway, there are words and phrases that can send a girl’s heart into orbit.  Some guys know exactly what these words and phrases are and use them to get what they want.  In other cases it can be the exact opposite.  Some of us are just wired to emotionally respond in powerful ways.

The key, in dating, is to understand how we are wired and to place boundaries around emotional connectedness.  Be careful how you use the “L” word.  Be careful about making promises that you aren’t sure you can keep.  You may be playing around and the person you are dating might be dead serious.

The best approach is to be honest with each other about your expectations before things get emotionally heated.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES

If you’re a follower of Jesus, then there should be boundaries around your sexuality.  I happen to believe that God designed sex for marriage and any experience of sex outside of God’s design will burn you and the person you are with.

If your desire is to save your sexuality for your future spouse then you have to be clear about this with the person you are dating.  Most followers of Jesus who have premarital sex do so accidentally.  They never verbalized their boundaries.  If you don’t tell the person you are dating that you don’t want to have sex, chances are he doesn’t know.

One of the smartest things you can do is to clearly state your boundaries in the early stages of a dating relationship.  If the person you are dating doesn’t respect your boundaries and pushes you to jump the fence then dump him because if he doesn’t respect your boundaries now, he probably never will.

RESPECT BOUNDARIES

Speaking of respect, one of the boundaries that Christians often neglect is just that…respect.  It is heartbreaking to watch what some people put up with.  If she constantly degrades you and beats you down verbally, ditch her!  Don’t you realize how valuable you are?  If he threatens you in any way, dump him!  Don’t you know that you are a treasured daughter of the King?  You are already loved more than you can imagine.

The danger in tolerating bad treatment is that it starts to mess with you mind.  You begin to believe that you aren’t valuable and that you deserve to be treated like you are worthless.  Do not buy into this lie.

You deserve to be treated with respect.  You are created in the image of God.  You are valuable enough to God that He sacrificed His own Son to rescue you.  You need to respect yourself by demanding that the person you are dating treats you with kindness and dignity.

 

image credited to Arthur van Beveren

How to Win at Dating

Dating is fun.  Except when it’s not—like when your heart gets broken or when you find yourself 6 months into a relationship you never really wanted or when you’ve crossed a line you never wanted to cross and now you’re full of regret.

So, how do you win at dating?  How do you survive without scars and how do you end up happily married?  Isn’t that what dating is for anyway?  I have a few ideas.

I’M A KEEPER

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes, I listen to country music.  Gasp!  I know.  Sorry.  Anyway, in the rare moments that I listen to country music (like once a year, I swear!), I sometimes listen to The Band Perry.  They have a funny song called, “I’m a Keeper” in which Kimberly Perry goes on and on about how she is a keeper—she’s worth the effort.

Sadly, I don’t think many people who are dating actually believe that they are a keeper.  I believe that this is crucial component to winning at dating.  If you don’t think that you’re valuable then you’ll be willing to accept being treated in unloving and sometimes even abusive ways.  Sadly, this is an easy trap for girls to fall into—especially if you’ve had relational issues with your dad or have been mistreated by guys in the past.

I would implore you, if you are struggling in the realm of self-image and value, take some time and build your identity.  Uncover what makes you valuable.   Here is a foundation to start from:

  • God created you.  He made you exactly how you are on purpose.  The Bible describes the way He made you as “knitting you together.”  You aren’t an accident.  You aren’t a product of chance.  In fact, God considers you a prized piece of artwork.
  • God has been pursuing you since before you were born.  His ambition is to know and be known by you.  The Gospel is all about giving Himself to you.  You are precious to Him.
  • Jesus valued you enough to sacrifice Himself to restore you to Him.  There is no greater expression of love.

God considers you “a keeper.”  Start thinking of yourself as one.  If you’d like to read more about what makes you valuable check this out:

WOULD YOU MARRY YOU?

Maybe your struggle is not with self-image.  Maybe your struggle is that you know you aren’t a keeper because of how you have treated people in the past.  One of the best sermons on dating I’ve ever heard was delivered by my friend Brady Nemmers.  His central question was, “Are you the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for?”  This is an incredibly awkward question but would you marry yourself?  I mean seriously, think about your qualities and weaknesses.  Would you want to end up with you?

One of the smartest things you can do to ensure that you win at dating is grow yourself.  If your character is weak, work on it—set up boundaries.  If you need to become financially independent, work hard and live frugally.  If you need to grow your faith, join a small group and attend start pursuing God on your own.

If you know that you struggle in some of these areas find a mentor, go see a counselor, or read a book.  Become the person that the person you are looking for is looking for.

 

Misunderstanding Love

In a decade of student ministry I’ve seen a lot of marriages.  To be honest, most of them aren’t very impressive.  Worse yet, many of them are on the rocks—couples staying together “for the kids” or out of religious guilt.

On top of this, we’ve all seen the statistics on divorce rates.  And, speaking as a youth pastor, there isn’t much out there that is more difficult for a kid to overcome than the divorce of her parents.  It doesn’t matter if she was 2 or is 19.  It’s terribly disorienting and leaves scars for years to come.

Sadly, there is a whole lot of bad marriage going on in our culture and in our churches.  I’m no marriage expert but I believe that the vast majority of poor marriages could be transformed into good marriages in about two weeks.  Let me explain how.

FALLING IN LOVE

The funny thing about falling in love is that it just happens.  That’s why they call it “falling.”  It’s easy.  You don’t even have to try.  You just fall into it.

Falling in love is easy.  Staying in love is hard.  Unfortunately, most people think that the feelings associated with falling in love are what love actually is.  They aren’t.  In fact, love isn’t a feeling at all.  It’s something you do.  In the words on an old school DcTalk song, “Love is a verb.”

A NEW COMMAND

In John 13:34, Jesus issued his disciples a new directive.  “A new command I give you; Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.“  Jesus wasn’t asking his followers to feel anything.  He was asking them to do something.   He was asking them to love in the way that He loved—sacrificially.  In Ephesians 5, Paul called on husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…”  Again, sacrificial love is what is being called for.

Often we hear couples on the verge of divorce say things like, “I just don’t love him anymore.”  Or, “We’ve fallen out of love.”  More than anything these statements are a misunderstanding of what love is.  Love isn’t an emotion.  Love is a choice.

FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS

One of the things I’ve learned over the 10+ years that I’ve been married is that feelings follow actions.  The feelings associated with falling in love won’t always be there in marriage but they will return regularly if you do the hard work of loving your spouse even when you don’t feel like it.

The trap that many couples fall into is refusing to love each other because they don’t feel the emotions of love.  This is a mistake because feelings follow actions.  If you wait for the feelings to return before serving your spouse you’ll probably wait forever.

If you are newly married or ever hope to be married, my prayer for you is that you’ll understand that love is action.  If you want a great marriage simply love your spouse regardless of how you feel.  It’s really as simple and difficult as that.   We have to be honest.  Marriage is hard but it’s very rewarding.

If your marriage is in trouble and you don’t feel anything remotely close to love for your spouse I would plead with you to simply do one thing over the next two weeks.  Love your spouse.  What I mean is, choose to love him.  Put her needs first.  Decide to serve him.  Take her out on a date.  Love is a verb.

In the majority of cases, expressing love to one another will transform your marriage.  It will breathe life into death and romance into boredom.  Follow the example of Jesus and love sacrificially.

Love is an action.  Instead of waiting for the emotions, simply start loving your spouse and watch what happens.

Photo Credited to lanier67