The other night I had a panic attack. You see, my daughter told me that her best friends are in love. They kissed on the lips at recess and danced. SCANDAL! If you’re wondering, my daughter is in kindergarten….well, she was. Now she’s home-schooled.
Someday, a LONG time from now I’d like for my daughters to fall in love. Maybe. Wait. Never mind. OK, I want them to fall in love but not until they’re like 40. OK, fine. I want them to fall in love but it has to be with someone who is worthy of them. Forget it. No one ever will be.
Sigh. Alright, alright, someday I’ll let my daughters date but these guys had better not hurt them or else I’ll track them down and dispatch them with a flurry of vicious rhetoric.
Hypothetically, if I were to let my daughter date, I’d really only have one requirement. See, I’m not that demanding. It’s just one little thing. He must treasure her. He must treat her like she is the most valuable person in his life. What would this look like practically? I came up with a list:
- It means he puts her first
- It means that he would never hurt her or force her into anything
- It means that he would never yell at her, intimidate her or hit her
- It means that he would never abandon her
- It means that he would see into her heart and love her beyond her body
- It means that he would learn to understand her moods
- It means that he would never love another women except her.
- It means that he would take care of her as they both grow old
- It means that he would treasure her beyond all else in life.
Here’s the problem. I know she is worth it but she doesn’t. In my experience, most girls don’t understand how valuable they are. Our culture convinces girls that their worth is based on how they look and what boys think about them. It scares me to death that my daughters will grow up comparing themselves to the girls on magazine covers. It terrifies me that her self-image might be dependent on what some teenage boy says about her.
So, how do you convince your daughter that she is valuable? How do you convince her that she is worth more than what she looks like? I think it’s a constant battle. It is repeated conversations. She needs to be told over and over again. But, while words are crucial, it’s important to remember that kids learn far more from observing than being told. Fathers teach their daughters what value is all about in the ways that they talk about, and look at women . Girls, even little girls, pick up on the subtlest expressions. Whatever is in your heart, she will pick up on it.
From what I have learned, if I want to convince my daughter that she is worth being treasured, I need to treasure her mother. My daughter is building expectations around her parents’ relationship. She will experience a gravitational pull toward the kind of man I am. I need to compliment my wife and my daughters on more than their looks and clothes. Essentially, I need to treat my wife and my daughter exactly how I want her future boyfriend to treat her. I must treasure them. She will come to expect and desire what she knows and has experienced.
So, dads, we have a monumental task before us. If you want your daughter to successfully navigate the minefield that is our culture, if you want her to end up with a man who loves her like she deserves, you need to treasure your wife and your daughter. She’s smarter than you think. If she is in middle school, she is already more relationally perceptive than you are. You can’t fool her. Love the women in your life authentically. Start now.
photo credited to Rodrigo Amorim via Flickr
