Category: Purity

What Our Students Are Waiting to Hear

Last night we kicked off a teaching series on sexuality.  We’re calling it, “The Awkward” series because talking about sex with students is, well, awkward.

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While I was landing my teaching last night, I experienced one of the highlights of my ministry year.  I began bringing my talk to a close by encouraging our students to think about their boundaries.  Specifically, I challenged them to verbalize their boundaries.  “Look, if you don’t tell him what your boundaries are, don’t blame him for crossing them!”

After this section, I turned my attention toward those in the room, students and small group leaders alike, who had boundaries.  Sadly, I think that is most of us.  The sexual tension created by our over-sexualized culture along with the extension of adolescence that most emerging adults experience, the task of perfect purity before marriage is practically impossible.  At the very least, I am realizing, we need to adjust our language.  We are often guilty of creating an unrealistic expectation for our students–an expectation, that when broken leads to unspeakable shame.

And so, I said to our students, “Many of you here tonight had boundaries.  At some point, maybe a few years ago, maybe last week, you found yourself in a situation and, well, you crossed some lines.  What do you do now?  Do you just throw in the towel?  ‘Well, I guess it’s too late for me.  I guess it doesn’t matter what I do.’  Is it too late for you?  Are you ruined?  I want to remind you that in the Gospel stories, every time Jesus encountered a person who had failed morally He responded with love and grace.  I’m not talking about little mistakes either.  He responded with kindness and grace to prostitutes and other people who had made a complete mess of their lives.  He never responded with guilt or anger.  Please understand that God loves you deeply.  He’s not angry.  He’s calling you back to Him and back to boundaries.  It is never to late to begin again.  It’s never too late to begin following God’s design again.”

As I spoke these words, I saw one of our girls in the audience burst into tears.  They weren’t tears of shame, they were tears of gratitude.  It was almost as if she had been waiting for someone to tell her that she was still OK, that she wasn’t ruined and that she had a future–that there was hope.  How long had she been carrying that weight of shame?  In that moment, I almost couldn’t continue.  I recognized the power of God’s grace intersecting with human brokenness.  It was a beautiful moment and I realized again, how important student ministry is.

Here’s my question:  How many of our students are waiting for someone to tell them that God still loves them, that they still have a future, that there is grace?  When we talk to student about sexuality, let’s balance expectations with grace.  Too often we talk about boundaries like they are a cliff.  If you cross them, well, then it’s all over.  You’ve lost everything.  I understand the deep consequences that come with sexual sin but we have to understand our audience.  Because of the prevalence of pornography and the intense pressure placed on our students, they will make mistakes.  We must realize that many of our students have already made mistakes and are already living with profound shame.  Let’s change our language and let’s walk with them through their mistakes and missteps.  Let’s speak the powerful words of God’s grace.

 

 

 

Parenting Through The Porn Minefield

I believe that pornography is  the greatest challenge facing parents in our culture.  Boys and girls of younger and younger ages are developing dangerous addictions to pornography.  I ran across an article recently that describes specific situations of tween age porn addictions.  It’s hard to read but if you are a parent you really should.  Porn addictions are far more prevalent than we want to admit.

Jamie is 13 and hasn’t even kissed a girl.  But he’s now on the Sex Offender Register…

Now that you are sufficiently terrified, here are three strategies to help win this battle in the hearts of your children.

 

1.  Keep Screen Public

I think this is one of the greatest mistakes parents make.  Do not allow your kids to keep devices that can access the Internet in their bedrooms.  And yes, I’m even talking about cell phones and iPads.  Porn addiction is a massive problem for an adult but especially devastating for a kid.  In the words of John Woods, “For many young boys, this [porn] means their first sexual experience is not a nervously negotiated request for a dance from a girl at the end of the school disco. It is watching  grotesquely degrading images of women, all too often mixed in with violent abuse.”

This reality is tragic because it is often avoidable.  Keep screens in a public place in your home.  The Internet is dangerous and kids are curious.  As parents we need to protect them.

2.  Get in the First Word

People often ask when we they should talk to their kids about sex and porn.  My answer is that you want to get in the first word.  You want to be the one who starts the conversation–not a friend from school, a health class teacher or far worse, a website.  Sure it’s going to be awkward but it will be awkward in a safe way.  We need to embrace awkward!

I would recommend talking to your kid about the dangers of the Internet in early elementary school and then gradually talking about more and more as your child progresses through elementary school.  Middle school is too late.  By that point you have lost the advantage of the first word.

You don’t need to be overly graphic with little kids.  I tell my 2nd grader that the Internet isn’t safe.  There are pictures and videos on there that can hurt your mind.  I also tell him that if he ever sees an image that makes him feel dirty or something he knows he shouldn’t have seen, that I want him to tell me and that he won’t be in trouble.  A key strategy is to pave the way for honesty by removing the need for shame.

 

3.  Get in More Words

I also strongly believe that “the sex talk” is the wrong approach.  Instead of one conversation, I would argue for 1,000 conversations.  Someday I’m going to write a really weird book that doesn’t sell called “1,000 Sex Conversations.”  Actually, no.

The sex talk approach is like dumping a semi-truck size load of intense grossness on a terrified kid.  There’s too much information all at once.  If you’re like me you just remember being completely grossed out and overwhelmed.  There’s so much information that you don’t even know what questions to ask. All you know is that you’re never, ever going to do that!  Or, if you wait too long for the sex talk, which I would argue happens most of the time, your kid will just be bored and think you’re out of touch.

i’m not saying to skip the sex talk because it’s absolutely necessary.  Just don’t have it come out of nowhere.  A better approach is 1,000 conversations about sex with one of them being the talk on the mechanics of sex.  Gradually reveal what sex is to your children and then don’t stop talking about it.  As tweens and teenagers your students will be bombarded with information on sex.  Most of it will be misunderstandings and lies.  Culture is teaching us.  Media moguls have an agenda.  Our society is incredibly open about sexuality and so we have no choice but to do the same.

We as parents need to realize that we are competing for the hearts and minds of our children.  We need to constantly talk about sexuality and it shouldn’t be all “no, no, no!”  We need to recapture the beauty of sex.  I often tell our students, “Look, this was God’s idea.  He invented sex.  It’s amazing and awesome.  It’s not dirty.  It’s beautiful.”

And then, we need to constantly reinforce the boundaries God has established.  And, if we can’t sufficiently explain the “why” of the boundaries, we shouldn’t expect our kids to buy what we’re selling.  It’s the same as the “because I said so” argument that didn’t work when they were 5.

 

So, get that screen out of his room, get in the first word and many more after that.  And if you think you’re too late, you’re not!  Just dive in and be awkward now.  If you have any other genius ideas, I’d love to hear them.

 

 

image credited to H Berend via http://www.sxc.hu/

Porn Will Find You

Recently I spoke to a group of parents about sexuality and their kids.  A parent in the audience asked one of the most common questions I hear: “When should I talk to my kids about sex?”  Great question!  Let me answer it with a story…

Last month my friend and his family were trick or treating with their kids.  In that blind lust for candy that kids develop around Halloween they ran off ahead of him.  My friend and his wife weren’t concerned because they were in a safe and normal suburban neighborhood.  None of these homes were crack houses or meth labs.  There were no confederate flags or gun ranges.  It was a normal, upstanding neighborhood—the kind of place where your grandma or great aunt Gertrude might live.

Anyway, the kids ‘trick or treated’ a house, a man answered the door and handed the kids candy.  Looking over his shoulder toward the TV in the living room the kids couldn’t help but notice what the man was watching.  The guy was watching porn while handing out candy to children on Halloween.  That is creeptastic.

My friend’s 5th grade son encountered pornography for the first time while he was trick or treating.  How does that even happen?  And yet, how did any of us first encounter pornography?  It’s usually accidental or random.  Very few kids go looking for porn.  Pornography has a way of finding us.

When I was in 6th grade, I walked over to my friend’s house expecting to play Tecmo Bowl on his NES.  Instead, he popped in a VHS he had found in his parents’ closet, the images from which are still burned into my mind.  Porn has a way of finding us.

As parents, we need to be clear about something:  Porn will find your kids.  It’s inevitable.  Recent research reveals that 98% of people in our culture have seen pornography.  I’m pretty sure the 2% were lying.

There may have been a day in our culture when the goal of parenting was to protect our kids from ever seeing pornography but that day is long gone–lost somewhere in the 1950s.  I’ve heard its locked in a vault somewhere with the Andy Griffith Show.

THE FIRST WORD

Is the pull of pornography inevitable?  Do we just surrender?  Do we shrug and allow our kids to be lured into the web of pornography?  No way!  We need a different and more honest approach.

If we know that our kid will inevitably see pornography, the question we need to wrestle with is: “What will our kids do when they see pornography?”  We want them to respond in the right way.  This requires preparation and a preemptive strike.  I believe our kids need to know what pornography is before they ever see it.  We must get in the first word on pornography.

I’m not saying that we explain what sex and pornography are when our kids are kindergarteners.   That would be crazy.  However, they do need to know that not everything on the Internet is safe.  They need to understand that there are pictures and videos out there that will hurt their minds.

They need to be coached on how to respond when a friend wants to show them a picture that is inappropriate.  Essentially, they need to understand from an early age that pornography is out there and that it will hurt them.

 

THE LAST WORD

Not only do we need to get in the first word, we need to get in the last word.  What I mean is that we want our kids to process what they see with us, not their friend down the street or through Google search.   This requires building a massive amount of trust because telling anyone, let alone your parents, that you looked at pornography is an incredibly shameful and embarrassing moment.

And yet, we knew from the Scriptures that when sin is dragged out into the light it loses its power.  Pornography addictions take root in the darkness.  They begin when a kid accidentally stumbles on pornography, feels incredibly shameful and yet powerfully intrigued but doesn’t tell anyone because he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing.

Your kids will see pornography.  How will you prepare them for it?  Is your relationship open and strong enough for them to feel safe confessing to you?  How will you walk with them once it happens?

 

image credited to maura

 

 

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Purity

Nothing can derail a man from the path to greatness like sexual sin.  For parents and youth workers, there is no more important topic than purity.  And yet, when it comes to helping boys navigate the sexual pitfalls of our culture, I’d give us a collective “D+“.  I know that’s a little harsh but hear me out on this one.  I think we’re dropping the ball in a few key areas.

LET HIM KNOW WHAT’S COMING

Most boys are surprised by their first encounter with pornography.  It’s like a sneak attack that they never saw coming and are ill equipped to handle.  We have to come to terms with the fact that, statistically speaking, boys are encountering pornography between the ages of 7-9.  If our boys encounter pornography without being warned about it, we have dropped the ball.

As parents, we must equip our boys for this first encounter.  They must know what to do and say when they are invited to see an image or video that could change the trajectory of their entire lives.  Boys don’t need to know everything about sex but they do need to know that pornography will hurt them.  I would recommend making two things very clear:

  1. If someone tries to show you a picture or video of people without their clothes on please don’t look or watch.  This is not good for you.  Please tell me if something like this happens
  2. No matter what mistakes you make in life I will love you and help you.  You can tell me anything.

To put it simply, as a parent you want to be the one who surprises your son with a conversation about pornography, not Billy down the street.  As youth workers, we can help in this area by equipping parents for these conversations and also by keeping parents informed of when we plan to talk about sexuality and pornography.

TEACH HIM TO BE INDEPENDENTLY PURE

This will probably sound counter-intuitive, but most parents and youth workers make the mistake of overprotecting boys.  Before you hit that big red “X” at the top of your browser, hear me out.  I believe that internet filters are a great idea when you have boys in elementary and middle school but not helpful when they are in high school.

Part of our role as parents and youth workers is to prepare boys for adulthood.  When boys are out of the house they will make their own decisions about how to use the internet.  As a parent, I would much prefer to catch my son viewing porn through the use of accountability software and have a conversation with him than attempt to block every possible pornographic site.  Also, no internet filter is fail proof and most boys are viewing porn on mobile devices anyway.  Either way, after he graduates, you and the Internet filter won’t be there to protect him.

Parents also fall into the trap of completely disengaging.  Pornography will destroy your son.  Even though he may be bigger than you are mostly independent, he still needs you to help him navigate the issue of pornography.

As parents and youth workers, we must find the balance.  Don’t overprotect and don’t disengage.  Walk with him through the struggle.  It will be messy.  He will make mistakes.  You must wade in.  When necessary enforce consequences.  You must encourage and equip.  In short, you must be a parent and be a mentor.

If you found this post helpful, be sure to check out the previous posts of this series on respect and character.

Lessons on Porn from the British

 

Apparently the leaders of the British government have had enough of pornography.  David Cameron, the Prime Minister of gave a speech recently in which he announced that pornography is “corroding childhood.”  He announced that “family-friendly filters would be automatically selected for all new [Internet] customers by the end of the year – although they could choose to switch them off.   And millions of existing computer users would be contacted by their internet providers and told they must decide whether to use or not use ‘family-friendly filters’ to restrict adult material.”

If you’d like to read an article that describes this in detail, click here.

What I appreciate about Cameron’s speech is not that his measures will stop people from viewing pornography because people who want to watch porn will find a way.  What I appreciate is that he is willing to call pornography wrong.  He took a stand to protect the children of his nation.

Secondly, I do believe that Cameron’s initiatives could push back how early children see pornography.  Based on the testimonies of students and volunteers that I’ve interacted with, most people’s first contact with pornography happens unintentionally and almost always through the Internet.

With that said, we as parents and youth workers need to come to terms with the fact that kids will see pornography.  The latest statistics that I’ve seen reveal that 98% of boys have seen pornography by age 18.  More and more kids are introduced to pornography while in elementary school.  So what do we do?  How to do help our children navigate this?  Here are a few thoughts:

CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

First, we need to come to terms with the fact that our children will see pornography.  The age where we could keep them from the destructive influence of porn is gone.  Now, we must learn to help them navigate a culture in which sex is pervasive.

This doesn’t mean that we simply surrender.  In fact, it means that we must be even more vigilant.  The first step is to help our elementary age children understand that pornography is wrong. And, if they run into it we want them to talk to us about it.  We want our children to process their introduction to porn with us, not friends or the Internet.

 

MONITOR YOUR KIDS

Watch what your kids are doing online.  Set up filters when they are young to protect them.  And when they are older, use X3watch.  This is a tool that will email you (or any accountability partner) any sketchy sites that your child visited.  It is an accountability tool.  In my opinion, accountability is better than filters because your child will learn to navigate around filters.   X3watch can lead to conversations between you and your child, which is exactly what your child will need.

 

 

 

PORNOGRAPHY IS A DRUG

One of the ways you can help our kids is by explaining the dangers of pornography.  We need to stop simply saying, “Don’t do it because it is wrong.”  Kids aren’t dumb.  They need to understand for themselves why it is dangerous.  This video does a nice job of explaining how pornography affects the brain in the way drugs do.

PUBLIC SCREENS

Computers are relatively easy to monitor.  Just keep the computer in a public space in your home.  Smart phones and tablets are a different story.  It is alarming that kids can access pornography anywhere at any time from a device they keep in their pocket.

When setting up boundaries, don’t forget about mobile devices.  A good rule is to require that your kids’ phones be charged in a public place overnight.  Keep all screens in public places.  Also, consider putting X3watch on mobile devices as well.

COMPASSION NOT ANGER

The way we respond to our kids when they confess to looking at porn or when we receive an email from X3watch that reveals what our kids have been looking at will determine whether or not our kids will trust us with accountability and honesty in the future.  Respond with compassion and help rather than anger and disappointment.

Especially for teenage boys, pornography is overpowering.  They need help navigating our over-sexualized culture rather than a guilt trip.  Help them set up boundaries.  Yes, consequences are still important but make them constructive.

The stories I hear of students overcoming pornography always involve them coming clean with their parents (particularly their dads) and their parents responding with compassion, love and healthy consequences and boundaries.

 

 

Real Talk About Pornography

Today is the last piece of my 3 part series on “what guys need to understand about sex.”  Today’s topic is pornography.  Porn is like a drug and it can destroy us.

If you are a parent, please read this.  It may help you understand what is going on in your child’s head.  If you are guy…you definitely need to read this.  Here’s an excerpt from the article:

Because we as guys are designed by God to be fascinated with the female body and because we, especially as young men have a powerful sex drive, pornography is incredibly dangerous.  Research shows that 50% of us are addicted to pornography.  That is how porn works.  It is highly addictive, and like other drugs, gateway porn leads to harder and harder porn.

I’ve talked with many guys who accidentally stumbled upon porn and within a few years they were compulsively viewing harder and harder pornography several times a day, engaging in sexting and eventually acting out their fantasies.

Understand this:  pornography is not controllable.  It cannot stay compartmentalized.  It leaks into the other areas of your life.  It is like a campfire that jumps its barriers and becomes a raging forest fire.  Pornography has the power to destroy you and the relationships that you care about the most.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the rest of the article.  Click here to read it.

 

If you are struggling with porn, here is one of the best resources I’ve ever seen:  xxxchurch.com

Concerned about your son or daughter?  Click here for great resources and idea.