Recently I spoke to a group of parents about sexuality and their kids. A parent in the audience asked one of the most common questions I hear: “When should I talk to my kids about sex?” Great question! Let me answer it with a story…
Last month my friend and his family were trick or treating with their kids. In that blind lust for candy that kids develop around Halloween they ran off ahead of him. My friend and his wife weren’t concerned because they were in a safe and normal suburban neighborhood. None of these homes were crack houses or meth labs. There were no confederate flags or gun ranges. It was a normal, upstanding neighborhood—the kind of place where your grandma or great aunt Gertrude might live.
Anyway, the kids ‘trick or treated’ a house, a man answered the door and handed the kids candy. Looking over his shoulder toward the TV in the living room the kids couldn’t help but notice what the man was watching. The guy was watching porn while handing out candy to children on Halloween. That is creeptastic.
My friend’s 5th grade son encountered pornography for the first time while he was trick or treating. How does that even happen? And yet, how did any of us first encounter pornography? It’s usually accidental or random. Very few kids go looking for porn. Pornography has a way of finding us.
When I was in 6th grade, I walked over to my friend’s house expecting to play Tecmo Bowl on his NES. Instead, he popped in a VHS he had found in his parents’ closet, the images from which are still burned into my mind. Porn has a way of finding us.
As parents, we need to be clear about something: Porn will find your kids. It’s inevitable. Recent research reveals that 98% of people in our culture have seen pornography. I’m pretty sure the 2% were lying.
There may have been a day in our culture when the goal of parenting was to protect our kids from ever seeing pornography but that day is long gone–lost somewhere in the 1950s. I’ve heard its locked in a vault somewhere with the Andy Griffith Show.
THE FIRST WORD
Is the pull of pornography inevitable? Do we just surrender? Do we shrug and allow our kids to be lured into the web of pornography? No way! We need a different and more honest approach.
If we know that our kid will inevitably see pornography, the question we need to wrestle with is: “What will our kids do when they see pornography?” We want them to respond in the right way. This requires preparation and a preemptive strike. I believe our kids need to know what pornography is before they ever see it. We must get in the first word on pornography.
I’m not saying that we explain what sex and pornography are when our kids are kindergarteners. That would be crazy. However, they do need to know that not everything on the Internet is safe. They need to understand that there are pictures and videos out there that will hurt their minds.
They need to be coached on how to respond when a friend wants to show them a picture that is inappropriate. Essentially, they need to understand from an early age that pornography is out there and that it will hurt them.
THE LAST WORD
Not only do we need to get in the first word, we need to get in the last word. What I mean is that we want our kids to process what they see with us, not their friend down the street or through Google search. This requires building a massive amount of trust because telling anyone, let alone your parents, that you looked at pornography is an incredibly shameful and embarrassing moment.
And yet, we knew from the Scriptures that when sin is dragged out into the light it loses its power. Pornography addictions take root in the darkness. They begin when a kid accidentally stumbles on pornography, feels incredibly shameful and yet powerfully intrigued but doesn’t tell anyone because he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing.
Your kids will see pornography. How will you prepare them for it? Is your relationship open and strong enough for them to feel safe confessing to you? How will you walk with them once it happens?
image credited to maura
