parenting | Aaron Buer

The Secret Power of Memories

I’ve learned that memories are a powerful. Good childhood memories have a way of evolving into magical nostalgia. Maybe I’m the only one who romanticizes the past and remembers things a little differently than they actually occurred but I have a feeling you do the same thing.

As a parent, I accidentally stumbled upon using memories as a secret weapon. You see, I have a semi-famous artist sister who lives in Portland, OR with her shoe designing husband. They are both artistic and adventuresome so they are exciting to be around and you occasionally score free shoes and paintings which is nice.

The thing is, Oregon has this reputation for being beautiful and incredibly quirky—the kind of place you just have to visit. So, I decided to fly to Portland with my son and spend a week climbing mountains and visiting coffee shops with my sister and her husband. Secretly I was hoping to run into Donald Miller…but this story isn’t about me.

Anyway, I intended this trip to be an adventure for my son and I and it turned out to be a partial disappointment and a landmark success. You see, as it turns out, 5 year old boys aren’t terribly great mountain climbers. Our first day of adventuring took us to various waterfalls around the Columbia River Gorge. Keegan did well on the first hike and then fell to pieces on the next eight. I’ll have you know that carrying a 50 pound kid around hiking isn’t exactly paradise.

At this point we realized that our planned wilderness backpacking trip was never going to happen with a 5 year old. Undaunted, we scheduled a weekend camping trip at Crater Lake and had a great time. I was enraptured with the natural beauty of everything I saw in Oregon. I mean, how are you gonna have a temperate rainforest, volcanoes, and the ocean all in one state?

The truth is that Keegan didn’t much care for the scenery. He was excited about finding a snake but other than that the best part of the trip was when he uncovered that his uncle Eric had a Super Nintendo with Super Mario Sunshine. After wandering all over the state and the city, all Keegan wanted to do was stay up late and play video game that’s over a decade old. So that’s what we did.

Upon returning home, I felt like we needed to return to Oregon the next summer so that we could more seriously tap into the potential of Oregon but I soon discovered that Keegan didn’t feel that way at all. I can’t tell you how many times Keegan has asked me if I remember when we got “those little pizzas” in the Denver airport? To him, that was amazing. “Daddy, do you remember when we got that Italian pop? That was my favorite! “ “Daddy, do you remember when we saw a starfish at the spacific ocean? That was so cool.” “Daddy are you sure Sasquatch isn’t real? Because maybe you’ve just never seen him” “Daddy, do you remember Eric’s Gollum voice? How come you can’t do that? “Daddy, do you remember when we Stephanie said people can ride their bikes naked in Portland?”

The truth is that Keegan had the most epic vacation and the fact that it was just him and I traveling across the country made it a legendary experience. A few weeks after returning, my wife made Keegan a Shutterfly book of our trip. Even now, 2 years after the trip he still reads that book nearly every night as he lies in bed waiting for sleep to overtake him. The memory of that trip has taken on magical qualities.

It was a fun trip but the point is that for a little boy, an adventure with his dad was a milestone experience. His memories of that trip will forever overshadow what actually happened. The trip has given us a shared point of reference. No future conflict or disagreement, no teenage angst or middle aged father stubbornness will ever be able to take away the magic of a week in Oregon.

What I learned from a week in Oregon is that taking the time to adventure with your kids, specifically one-on-one is worth the investment. It may just be the most strategic thing you ever do.

An Open Letter to Fathers

A few weeks into this whole blogging thing I wrote a post based on a teaching I gave to our students during our spring sexuality series. The post blew up. Women were posting it all over Facebook, Twitter and even Pintrest. I was shocked and sort of embarrassed about being on Pintrest. I still feel like I lost a few man points there.

The post was all about identity and value. The central idea was, “You are immensely valuable and beautiful because God made you and loves you. Your sexuality is a precious gift. Protect it.” You can read it here if you like.

I received so much positive feedback from this post and I still can’t believe how many people have read and shared it. The question is…why?

THE TRUTH

Here’s the thing: I’m no expert on girls or sexuality. I’m married and have two cute little daughters but I would consider myself to be a novice at understanding girls. I haven’t remotely figured out my wife either. Every time things get emotional at my house you can find me in a corner with a pillow over my head. And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous idea that someday my daughters will want to date.

All this is to say, I really don’t think my blog post went “Pintrest” because I’m an eloquent writer or because I have some newfangled understanding of girls and sexuality. It must be something else.

I think the answer lies in a question: Why do so few girls feel good about themselves? Why are so many girls susceptible to guys who are interested in nothing more than a few hours with their body?

I know that we live in a messed up culture that uses sex to sell everything from cologne to cereal and that girls are conditioned through advertising to find value solely in the way they look but honestly, I’m not sure that culture is the biggest problem.

I CAN’T HEAR YOU

I think the problem has less to do what girls are hearing through culture and more to do with what girls aren’t hearing at home. Why is it that the only guys who are communicating value to girls are men who want to take advantage of them? Where are the fathers, brothers, uncles and grandfathers who are supposed to be communicating value to our girls? This, I believe is the core of the problem.

The feedback I’ve received over and over from girls is: “I wish someone would have told me these things before…” Speaking as a father, we need to start speaking up! Our daughters, nieces, and granddaughters need to be told over and over again that they are beautiful and valuable, that God created them just the way they are on purpose, and that only a guy who will love them on a heart level is worth their time. The first, “you are beautiful” should not come from some punk looking to take advantage of her.

SPEAK UP

I think we are guilty of making assumptions. We believe that somehow our girls just know. We assume that how we feel about them is obvious. It isn’t. In the absence of positive words they assume the worst. Tell her that she is beautiful. Tell her that she is special. Tell her that only guys of the highest quality are worth her time. Tell her that her sexuality is a precious gift. Tell her that you’re proud of her and that God loves her.

God put you in her life to guide her. Speak up. I think you’ll be amazed by how much impact your words will have.

image credited to jjpacres

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Leadership

I can’t remember the last male character on TV who was a leader. OK, take out every super hero/Jack Bauer type character. If a man isn’t single handedly saving the world he is a sally—see every sitcom husband ever.

Let me make a clarification. By leadership I do not mean dominance. There are plenty of guys out there who know how to get what they want through dominance and abuse. The leadership I’m talking about is others first. It’s the kind of leadership that draws out the best in others. It empowers others to become who God made them to be and rallies people around the mission of Christ in the world.

When I think of my sons, this is what I want. I want my boys to grow into men who inspire, empower and lead the way. So, how do you get there? How do you teach a boy to become a leader modeled after Jesus?

LEADERSHIP IS CAUGHT NOT TAUGHT

Nearly everything in our culture teaches boys to be selfish. “It’s all about you.” “Have it your way.” “Wear this and women will want you.”

If we want our boys to become others focused leaders, we have to understand that we’re going against the flow of culture. They won’t become the leaders we want them to be without first seeing it. Specifically, they need to see us doing it. The boys in your youth ministry and in your family will lead exactly how they see you leading. Be the leader you want your boys to be.

One of the best ways to do model others first leadership is through volunteering. Volunteer together with your son. Encourage the boys in your youth group to serve in the children’s ministry. Take your family on mission trips. Serve together and they will catch others first leadership.

TEACH HIM TO LEAD IN RELATIONSHIPS

To be frank, many guys in our culture approach relationships asking a simple question: “What can I get out of this?” For the record, that’s called exploitation. Great men don’t exploit women. They empower and liberate.

At the risk of offending everyone in the universe, I believe that great men lead in relationships. Before you start writing that hate comment just hear me out. I think men ought to protect women by taking the lead on physical boundaries. Unfortunately, many guys are out to get what they can in relationships and many girls are lonely enough that they will trade purity for perceived intimacy.

The world needs men who are more interested in protecting women and bringing the best out in them than getting what they can. My dream is that my daughters would date guys who are man enough to be upfront about their physical and emotional boundaries and that they would lead the way in maintaining these boundaries.

We need to train the boys in our families and youth ministries to respect women by leading them. Their role is to protect women, not take advantage of them. Help boys clearly define their physical boundaries and then help them learn how to communicate and maintain these boundaries with girls.

Also, help them understand how powerfully their words can impact a woman. Teach him to be careful with his words. Again, the goal is to protect and empower women—no to get what you can from them. That’s exploitation.

Great men lead. They don’t dominant or exploit. They put others first and empower the people around them. To influence boys toward greatness, we must learn to lead in the same way.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Purpose

Many of the young men I’ve talked with lately are all feeling the same crippling emotion: aimlessness. I believe that most of this generation’s men are lost. They don’t know what their purpose is in life.

Great men know what they are about. They know why God put them on this earth. They have a sense of destiny and direction.

Today, I’m finishing up a week of blogging about raising great boys. If we want boys to lead significant lives, they must know their purpose —they must know what God made they to do. So, how in the world do you help a boy figure this out? You must uncover it with him.

BOYS NEED TO BE TOLD

When God created Adam, He placed him in the garden, told him who he was and why he was on the earth. He gave him a name and a job. I’m almost certain that without being told, Adam would have been thoroughly confused about what he was supposed to be doing. “I didn’t know what else to do so I invented the tropical fish tank…”

Like Adam, boys need to be told who they are and why they are here. It’s just not in our nature as humans to figure this stuff out on our own. As a parent or youth worker, it’s your privilege and duty to become a student of the boys under your care and to help them uncover their wiring, gifting, passions and ultimately, purpose.

EXPERIMENT

No one expects you to be able to diagnose a boy’s life passion and purpose overnight. These things are like science experiments. You develop a hypothesis and you test it. Most of the time your hypothesis is wrong but it moves you one step closer to the truth.

As boys progress through life, let them experiment. Push them to try all kinds of stuff. Somewhere along the line a boy will experience something that awakens something buried deep within him. He will light up. Take note: these experiences probably have something to do with his wiring, gifting, passions and purpose.

MISSION

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that life is most meaningful when our passions and gifts are aligned with what God is doing in the world. It’s crucially important that we as parents and youth workers help our boys understand the compelling and life altering mission of the Church. It’s vital that our boys understand what God’s mission is in the world and how we can join in.

When a man finds himself at the intersection of his passions, purpose and the mission of God in the world, he will find life and meaning—and more of it than he ever imagined was possible.

EXIT THE MATRIX

We need to be honest for a second, rich and meaningful lives are not easy to come by. In fact, it is hard to live a life of purpose. There is always immense opposition within and outside of us, pushing us to accept mediocrity. This is part of the reason that boys find video games so compelling. Without a whole lot of actual work, he can be the hero. He can create, battle evil, save the girl, or even conquer the world.

The temptation so many young men fall into is retreating into false worlds where they can live rich and meaningful lives of purpose while accepting mediocre or worse in their real lives.

Look, I love video games. I really do. However, far too many guys are OBSESSED with video games—playing them for hours and hours every day. Meanwhile the real world is suffering. The church needs young men who will run after Jesus and partner with him in bringing heaven to earth every day.

If you are a parent, build boundaries around video games and help your son uncover who God created him to be and what he is calling him to do in this world. If you are a youth worker, model boundaries with video games. If you are a young man, unplug and dive into the Kingdom. There is so much work to be done. There is far too much injustice on this broken planet for us to keep shooting each other over and over on the same Black Ops maps night after night.

We need to help boys build boundaries around video games so that they don’t overtake and ultimately replace their lives. Like most everything, video games can be used in a healthy way but it is difficult, especially for a young teenage boy, to find the balance.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Purity

Nothing can derail a man from the path to greatness like sexual sin. For parents and youth workers, there is no more important topic than purity. And yet, when it comes to helping boys navigate the sexual pitfalls of our culture, I’d give us a collective “D+“. I know that’s a little harsh but hear me out on this one. I think we’re dropping the ball in a few key areas.

LET HIM KNOW WHAT’S COMING

Most boys are surprised by their first encounter with pornography. It’s like a sneak attack that they never saw coming and are ill equipped to handle. We have to come to terms with the fact that, statistically speaking, boys are encountering pornography between the ages of 7-9. If our boys encounter pornography without being warned about it, we have dropped the ball.

As parents, we must equip our boys for this first encounter. They must know what to do and say when they are invited to see an image or video that could change the trajectory of their entire lives. Boys don’t need to know everything about sex but they do need to know that pornography will hurt them. I would recommend making two things very clear:

If someone tries to show you a picture or video of people without their clothes on please don’t look or watch. This is not good for you. Please tell me if something like this happens
No matter what mistakes you make in life I will love you and help you. You can tell me anything.

To put it simply, as a parent you want to be the one who surprises your son with a conversation about pornography, not Billy down the street. As youth workers, we can help in this area by equipping parents for these conversations and also by keeping parents informed of when we plan to talk about sexuality and pornography.

TEACH HIM TO BE INDEPENDENTLY PURE

This will probably sound counter-intuitive, but most parents and youth workers make the mistake of overprotecting boys. Before you hit that big red “X” at the top of your browser, hear me out. I believe that internet filters are a great idea when you have boys in elementary and middle school but not helpful when they are in high school.

Part of our role as parents and youth workers is to prepare boys for adulthood. When boys are out of the house they will make their own decisions about how to use the internet. As a parent, I would much prefer to catch my son viewing porn through the use of accountability software and have a conversation with him than attempt to block every possible pornographic site. Also, no internet filter is fail proof and most boys are viewing porn on mobile devices anyway. Either way, after he graduates, you and the Internet filter won’t be there to protect him.

Parents also fall into the trap of completely disengaging. Pornography will destroy your son. Even though he may be bigger than you are mostly independent, he still needs you to help him navigate the issue of pornography.

As parents and youth workers, we must find the balance. Don’t overprotect and don’t disengage. Walk with him through the struggle. It will be messy. He will make mistakes. You must wade in. When necessary enforce consequences. You must encourage and equip. In short, you must be a parent and be a mentor.

If you found this post helpful, be sure to check out the previous posts of this series on respect and character.

Lessons on Porn from the British

Apparently the leaders of the British government have had enough of pornography. David Cameron, the Prime Minister of gave a speech recently in which he announced that pornography is “corroding childhood.” He announced that “family-friendly filters would be automatically selected for all new [Internet] customers by the end of the year – although they could choose to switch them off. And millions of existing computer users would be contacted by their internet providers and told they must decide whether to use or not use ‘family-friendly filters’ to restrict adult material.”

If you’d like to read an article that describes this in detail, click here.

What I appreciate about Cameron’s speech is not that his measures will stop people from viewing pornography because people who want to watch porn will find a way. What I appreciate is that he is willing to call pornography wrong. He took a stand to protect the children of his nation.

Secondly, I do believe that Cameron’s initiatives could push back how early children see pornography. Based on the testimonies of students and volunteers that I’ve interacted with, most people’s first contact with pornography happens unintentionally and almost always through the Internet.

With that said, we as parents and youth workers need to come to terms with the fact that kids will see pornography. The latest statistics that I’ve seen reveal that 98% of boys have seen pornography by age 18. More and more kids are introduced to pornography while in elementary school. So what do we do? How to do help our children navigate this? Here are a few thoughts:

CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

First, we need to come to terms with the fact that our children will see pornography. The age where we could keep them from the destructive influence of porn is gone. Now, we must learn to help them navigate a culture in which sex is pervasive.

This doesn’t mean that we simply surrender. In fact, it means that we must be even more vigilant. The first step is to help our elementary age children understand that pornography is wrong. And, if they run into it we want them to talk to us about it. We want our children to process their introduction to porn with us, not friends or the Internet.

MONITOR YOUR KIDS

Watch what your kids are doing online. Set up filters when they are young to protect them. And when they are older, use X3watch. This is a tool that will email you (or any accountability partner) any sketchy sites that your child visited. It is an accountability tool. In my opinion, accountability is better than filters because your child will learn to navigate around filters. X3watch can lead to conversations between you and your child, which is exactly what your child will need.

PORNOGRAPHY IS A DRUG

One of the ways you can help our kids is by explaining the dangers of pornography. We need to stop simply saying, “Don’t do it because it is wrong.” Kids aren’t dumb. They need to understand for themselves why it is dangerous. This video does a nice job of explaining how pornography affects the brain in the way drugs do.

PUBLIC SCREENS

Computers are relatively easy to monitor. Just keep the computer in a public space in your home. Smart phones and tablets are a different story. It is alarming that kids can access pornography anywhere at any time from a device they keep in their pocket.

When setting up boundaries, don’t forget about mobile devices. A good rule is to require that your kids’ phones be charged in a public place overnight. Keep all screens in public places. Also, consider putting X3watch on mobile devices as well.

COMPASSION NOT ANGER

The way we respond to our kids when they confess to looking at porn or when we receive an email from X3watch that reveals what our kids have been looking at will determine whether or not our kids will trust us with accountability and honesty in the future. Respond with compassion and help rather than anger and disappointment.

Especially for teenage boys, pornography is overpowering. They need help navigating our over-sexualized culture rather than a guilt trip. Help them set up boundaries. Yes, consequences are still important but make them constructive.

The stories I hear of students overcoming pornography always involve them coming clean with their parents (particularly their dads) and their parents responding with compassion, love and healthy consequences and boundaries.

Parenting Through Social Media

I ran across a very interesting study last week about parents and social media. The gist of the study is that “teenagers who are connected to their parents on social media feel closer to their parents in real life.”

This makes sense to me because whether we like it or not and whether we think it is good or not, students value social media connections. They not only value them but actually find real meaning in them. Parents ought to take advantage of this and jump into social media. Unfortunately, according to the study, only 16% of parents are interacting with their kids through social media on a daily basis. As parents, we are missing a huge opportunity here!

Secondly, I am continually shocked by parents who do not know what their kids are doing online. I’m not a isolationist by any means but the Internet can be a dangerous place and the decisions that students make on what to post can stick with them forever.

Also, why in the world do we let our children into social arenas in which children and adults mix regularly–in which normal people and creeptastic people regularly mix, without keeping an eye on them? At the risk of offending parents…GET ONLINE AND OBSERVE YOUR KIDS!

So, now that I’ve yelled at you…I bet you’re wondering what social media apps you should get involved with. Well, I’m glad you asked. Here are (in my opinion) the most popular social media apps with teens…

1. Snap Chat: This is one of the only social media sites that scares me. Kids taking pictures and videos of themselves and send them to friends. The trick is that the pictures delete after only a few seconds leaving no trace of the images. A recipe for awesomeness…nope. I would recommend at least a conversation with your child about this app. I know quite a few parents who have banned this app. The worst thing about it is that you can’t monitor it.

2. Teens love Twitter. One of the reasons is that most parents aren’t on it. I personally use Twitter constantly. You’ll be dismayed by the stream-of-consciousness style of communication that teens often use but it will help you connect with your kid and you’ll learn a lot about the way he and his friends process life.

3. Instagram is fantastic. It’s all about sharing photos and videos. There are simple editing tools that make you look like a photography pro. You can also share photos on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook all at once. One of the great features of Instagram, Vine, Facebook and others is that you can “like” your kid’s posts or pictures without making an obnoxious comment that embarrasses her. “Liking” is an easy way to show support, approval or simply that you’re paying attention without being intrusive.

4. This app is very much like Instagram except exclusively video. Before Instagram added video it was the video app of choice for students. It may fall out of favor but for now many teens are still on it.

5. Many teens shy away from using Facebook for anything other than pictures because Facebook is so huge. And, most parents are already on Facebook so students go to other social media outlets to hide. If you aren’t on Facebook or are but aren’t friends with your kid you need to get on!

So if you’re a parents, get involved with social media. Leverage social media to help you invest in your kids’ lives. If you do, according to the study I read, it may actually deepen your relationships with your children.

Real Talk About Pornography

Today is the last piece of my 3 part series on “what guys need to understand about sex.” Today’s topic is pornography. Porn is like a drug and it can destroy us.

If you are a parent, please read this. It may help you understand what is going on in your child’s head. If you are guy…you definitely need to read this. Here’s an excerpt from the article:

Because we as guys are designed by God to be fascinated with the female body and because we, especially as young men have a powerful sex drive, pornography is incredibly dangerous. Research shows that 50% of us are addicted to pornography. That is how porn works. It is highly addictive, and like other drugs, gateway porn leads to harder and harder porn.

I’ve talked with many guys who accidentally stumbled upon porn and within a few years they were compulsively viewing harder and harder pornography several times a day, engaging in sexting and eventually acting out their fantasies.

Understand this: pornography is not controllable. It cannot stay compartmentalized. It leaks into the other areas of your life. It is like a campfire that jumps its barriers and becomes a raging forest fire. Pornography has the power to destroy you and the relationships that you care about the most.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the rest of the article. Click here to read it.

If you are struggling with porn, here is one of the best resources I’ve ever seen: xxxchurch.com

Concerned about your son or daughter? Click here for great resources and idea.

What Every Guy is Desperate For

Hey everyone,

This week I am guest posting for The Youth Culture Report about what guys need to know about sexuality. Today’s post is on what every guy is desperate for. If you get this thing right you can set a boy on the path to self-confidence, inspire a man forward or save your marriage. Here’s an excerpt of my article:

As guys, we want our lives to matter. We want to be significant. And, this is the way we approach relationships. When it comes to a relationship, we want respect.

What is respect? We want the woman we love to be proud of us. We want to be considered worthy of her loyalty and love. It’s really that simple. If you think about it, that’s all we want out of life. We wanted our dads to be proud of us. We wanted our teachers and coaches to be proud of us and we want our girlfriends and wives to be proud of us.

If you are a woman, understand this: If you show your man that you respect him on a regular basis, it will revolutionize your relationship. All men have a little boy inside of them that just wants someone to be proud of them. Most of what we do is designed to make you proud. As childish as it sounds, the more you think of us like a little boy who needs a pat on the head and a proud smile, the better. Praise us, make a big deal about the things we do and we will put on that little boy grin and love you with fierce loyalty.

I’d love your feedback on the rest of the article. You can read it here:

3 Things Guys Must Understand About Sex

A few weeks ago I wrote 4 pieces on what girls need to know about sex. Since then many people have asked me to write the same stuff for guys. So I did. I wrote 3 posts for The Youth Culture Report Blog. I think they’ll be helpful if you are a parent of a guy, have guys in your student ministry, are a guy, know a guy or have heard about guys. Here’s an excerpt:

God invented sex. No, for real. At some point God called his angels around and said, “I just had an idea. A really good idea. No Gabriel, way better than volcanos.” OK, I know that’s not how God actually works, but God did invent sex. It was His idea and it was an awesome idea—probably the awesomest idea ever.

Check out the rest of the post: 3 Things Guys Must Know About Sexuality

If you’re interested in the 4 posts on talking to girls about sex, you can find them here:

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality Part 2

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality Part 3

4 Traps That Will Derail a Girl’s Dreams

Tag: parenting