Tag: parenting

How to Build Faith in Kids

What’s the first step in building faith in a student or a child?  Is it presenting the Gospel?  Is it getting them in the Bible?  Is it mentoring them?  What is it?  Recently, I spent a few hours with Chap Clark in a SYMC breakout session and he helped refine what I view as the foundation of discipleship.

 

TRUST

What does it mean to be a mature disciple of Jesus?  The simple answer is that I’m mature when I trust Jesus with everything.  I trust Him with my money.  I trust Him with my media choices.  I trust Him in the way I treat my wife.  Personally, I think maturity is as simple as trust.

If this is true, teaching another person to follow Jesus is as simple as teaching them to trust Jesus in every area of their life, one step at a time.

Because of this, the foundation of discipleship is trust. How do children and adolescents learn this?  How do they decide to trust someone they can’t see?  They subconsciously decide whether Jesus is trustworthy based on how the people of Jesus treat them.

 

SAFE

So, what’s the first step in building faith in another person?  It’s safety.  As a parent, forging a safe relationship is crucial to faith development.  In children’s ministry, creating and maintaining a safe environment is paramount.  As a small group leader or youth worker, using safe language is foundational.

How do I know this is true?  This reality is best illustrated with fathers.  What’s your relationship with your dad like?  If your dad is a safe and trustworthy person I would bet you’ve learned to trust Jesus.  If your dad was a cruel person, I imagine there is a good chance you struggle with accepting the goodness of God.  If your dad was never quite satisfied with your accomplishments or talents there is a good chance you never feel good enough for God.   You constantly wrestle with whether or not God likes you.  If your dad was absent or abandoned your family, you probably have moments in which you wonder whether or not God truly cares or if He is there at all.  We learn about Jesus from the people who profess to follow Jesus

What does it mean to be safe?  Safety is communicated in the way we talk to kids, particularly when they fail.  Safety is communicated in the way we joke around with kids.  Is it funny for everyone or is it biting?  Safety is communicated by the look on our face like when a kid confesses a failure.  Safety is communicating in the way we talk about people we disagree with.

 

POWER

If you are a parent, small group leader or youth worker, you are in a position of tremendous power.  You are teaching children and adolescents what God is like.  But, it isn’t your bible stories, sermons and programs as much as it is your words, your reactions and attitudes.  Will they learn to trust God?  Do they trust you?  Until they develop abstract thinking skills, the question is as simple as that.  Safety is our number one priority.

 

photo credited to Adrian Ruiz via Flickr

How to Porn Proof Your Kids

I thought I would follow up my last post with advice for parents on how to protect our kids from porn.  Well, I hate to admit it but the title of this post is a lie.  You can’t.

What I mean is that we live in a society in which kids will see pornography.  It’s  heart-breaking but it’s the truth.  I see pornography nearly every time I drive down the highway.  There are women in their underwear on giant signs next to the highway.  Nearly every time I watch a football game with my kids in the room I am forced to dive for the remote and frantically punch buttons until the Victoria’s Secret commercial disappears. Just the other day my son sprinted down the driveway from the mailbox waving a catalog featuring a woman in a bra and undies on the back cover.

This is what I mean.  Even if you protect your kids in every possible way, encapsulating them in  porn proof bubble wrap, it will somehow find them–probably on the back cover of some benign department store catalog.  I guess we can never go shopping again.

In my experience, parents often fall into one of two different camps when it comes to pornography.  The first camp essentially doesn’t try.  Kids will be kids.  They’ll figure it out.  I survived, so will they.  The problem with this approach is that the pervasiveness of pornography in our culture is fundamentally different from anything we have ever seen.  When I was a kid pornography existed but it lived in VHS tapes, magazines and grimy mechanic shop pin ups.

My point is that back in the day you had to go looking for porn and take risky steps to secure it.  There was always the possibility that your mom would find the magazine.  Today, pornography lives in a tiny device that fits in your pocket.  It’s easy to hide and easier yet to cover your tracks.  Don’t worry about hiding the dirty magazine under your bed, just delete your search history.

In addition, younger and younger kids are becoming addicted to pornography because it is so easily accessible.  For many in my generation, we saw pornography a handful of times during childhood and it deeply affected the way we think about the opposite sex and sexuality in general.  Many kids these days are looking at pornography daily.  Research is beginning to show how massively destructive this immersion is to a developing mind.  It’s scary stuff.

The second camp is the iron curtain of culture.  Parents become so panicked about pornography that they basically unplug and retreat to the woods.  While I applaud their zealousness, I don’t believe this is the answer.  After all, Jesus did call us to be “in the world but not of it.”  We can’t fight for the kingdom if we refuse to interact with culture.

Instead of throwing up our hands or running to the woods we need a different approach.  We need to teach our kids wisdom.  They need to learn to choose the right paths on their own.  This is why I suggest internet filters for young kids but not for older kids.  I can hear you shouting at me.  Calm down and let me finish.  Around 7th or 8th grade I recommend switching from internet filters to accountability software.  The point is dialogue.  Listen, I’ve worked with teenagers for a long time now.   Your kids will see pornography.  Sadly, it’s inevitable.  The question is, what are they going to do when they see it?  Better yet, what will you do when they see it?

When my son stumbles on pornography, I will know because I’ll receive a monthly email outlining any sketchy websites he visited on one of my computers or his phone.  Yes, this technology exists.  We live in the future.  When this happens, we’ll go for a walk.  I’ll tell him that he isn’t the only one tempted to look at porn.  A woman’s body is basically the most beautiful thing in all of creation and we can’t help but be drawn to it.  But, we’ll talk about what porn did to my mind.  We’ll talk about the value of women.  We’ll talk about God’s design for sex and I’ll help him visualize the future he wants.  We’re create boundaries and expectations and move forward.  This is what I mean by dialogue. If I keep filters on the internet I’ll never catch him and perhaps more importantly, when he moves out of my house we won’t know how to handle the “real” internet.

So, when your kid stumbles on porn what will you do?  What’s your plan?

If you’re interested, here are the tools I mentioned.

X3watch is an accountability software

Mobicip is a browser filter for younger kids.

 

photo credited to Simon Yeo via Flickr

The Power to Speak Future

I’m getting older.  I’ll just come out and say it.  I turn 35 in a couple days.  That’s halfway to 70.  I’m practically dead.

The thing about getting older is that my childhood is slipping from focus.  The details are becoming blurry.  The photos don’t help either, mostly because time has faded them to weird orange/red color.  It’s not just an Instagram filter people.  This is my life.

 

MEMORIES

The memories that come to me are odd.  I remember my grandmothers.  I remember the smell of one–an overpowering fusion of cigarette smoke and cheap perfume.  I also remember “wooba wooba.”  That was the word I used for my other grandmother’s ginormous flabby upper arms.  I was convinced that she could fly like Dumbo with her wooba wooba if she wanted.

Mostly I remember words, not mundane conversation but the powerful words.  I remember words shouted and whispered–phrases laced with emotion.  I remember a babysitter calling me a “little s***” because I peed the bed.  I remember an elementary school teacher announcing to my class that my life’s destiny was to be a “Lazy-Boy sofa tester.”  Apparently she wasn’t terribly impressed with my work ethic.  I remember a strange new sensation that flooded me the first time a girl told me I was cute.  I remember being called a “horse’s a**” for not doing something properly and I remember when my dad told me he was proud of me.  I remember the words.  I bet you do too.  The scenes are blurry.  The names escape me but the words and the faces that spoke them are as clear as yesterday.

 

WORDS

There is a spiritual power in words.  According to the Genesis narrative God spoke the world into being.  With words he created a future.

If it is true that we are created in God’s image then it makes sense that our words are powerful as well.  With our words we can create a future.

Whether you realize it or not, words have shaped your future.  When you were young, the people around you molded you with their words.  You learned to trust or to fear through words.  Words told you whether you are beautiful or ugly.  You learned that you are talented or worthless.  You learned that you can or cannot.  Words created your future.

“The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21)

In fact, for years words have been breathing life into you.  Or, they’ve been killing you.  Words make you alive to who you truly are, to your talents, passions and dreams.  Words give you the sustenance to push on.  They create security, love and peace.  Or, words sabotage your identity, talents, passions and dreams.  Words crush your spirit and steal your will.  They create fear, mistrust and chaos.

Do you see how powerful words are?  There is a reason why we remember words.  It’s because they shaped and continue to shape us.  Words create future.

 

SPEAK

Each of us has been gifted with a tremendous power.  Words.  Regardless of what has been spoken to you, you have a choice in how you will speak.  The words you speak have the power to shape your child’s self-concept.  Your words will impact your friend’s future.  Your words will affect the culture of your marriage 5 years from now.  You have been gifted with the power to create future.  How will you speak?

 

Parenting Through The Porn Minefield

I believe that pornography is  the greatest challenge facing parents in our culture.  Boys and girls of younger and younger ages are developing dangerous addictions to pornography.  I ran across an article recently that describes specific situations of tween age porn addictions.  It’s hard to read but if you are a parent you really should.  Porn addictions are far more prevalent than we want to admit.

Jamie is 13 and hasn’t even kissed a girl.  But he’s now on the Sex Offender Register…

Now that you are sufficiently terrified, here are three strategies to help win this battle in the hearts of your children.

 

1.  Keep Screen Public

I think this is one of the greatest mistakes parents make.  Do not allow your kids to keep devices that can access the Internet in their bedrooms.  And yes, I’m even talking about cell phones and iPads.  Porn addiction is a massive problem for an adult but especially devastating for a kid.  In the words of John Woods, “For many young boys, this [porn] means their first sexual experience is not a nervously negotiated request for a dance from a girl at the end of the school disco. It is watching  grotesquely degrading images of women, all too often mixed in with violent abuse.”

This reality is tragic because it is often avoidable.  Keep screens in a public place in your home.  The Internet is dangerous and kids are curious.  As parents we need to protect them.

2.  Get in the First Word

People often ask when we they should talk to their kids about sex and porn.  My answer is that you want to get in the first word.  You want to be the one who starts the conversation–not a friend from school, a health class teacher or far worse, a website.  Sure it’s going to be awkward but it will be awkward in a safe way.  We need to embrace awkward!

I would recommend talking to your kid about the dangers of the Internet in early elementary school and then gradually talking about more and more as your child progresses through elementary school.  Middle school is too late.  By that point you have lost the advantage of the first word.

You don’t need to be overly graphic with little kids.  I tell my 2nd grader that the Internet isn’t safe.  There are pictures and videos on there that can hurt your mind.  I also tell him that if he ever sees an image that makes him feel dirty or something he knows he shouldn’t have seen, that I want him to tell me and that he won’t be in trouble.  A key strategy is to pave the way for honesty by removing the need for shame.

 

3.  Get in More Words

I also strongly believe that “the sex talk” is the wrong approach.  Instead of one conversation, I would argue for 1,000 conversations.  Someday I’m going to write a really weird book that doesn’t sell called “1,000 Sex Conversations.”  Actually, no.

The sex talk approach is like dumping a semi-truck size load of intense grossness on a terrified kid.  There’s too much information all at once.  If you’re like me you just remember being completely grossed out and overwhelmed.  There’s so much information that you don’t even know what questions to ask. All you know is that you’re never, ever going to do that!  Or, if you wait too long for the sex talk, which I would argue happens most of the time, your kid will just be bored and think you’re out of touch.

i’m not saying to skip the sex talk because it’s absolutely necessary.  Just don’t have it come out of nowhere.  A better approach is 1,000 conversations about sex with one of them being the talk on the mechanics of sex.  Gradually reveal what sex is to your children and then don’t stop talking about it.  As tweens and teenagers your students will be bombarded with information on sex.  Most of it will be misunderstandings and lies.  Culture is teaching us.  Media moguls have an agenda.  Our society is incredibly open about sexuality and so we have no choice but to do the same.

We as parents need to realize that we are competing for the hearts and minds of our children.  We need to constantly talk about sexuality and it shouldn’t be all “no, no, no!”  We need to recapture the beauty of sex.  I often tell our students, “Look, this was God’s idea.  He invented sex.  It’s amazing and awesome.  It’s not dirty.  It’s beautiful.”

And then, we need to constantly reinforce the boundaries God has established.  And, if we can’t sufficiently explain the “why” of the boundaries, we shouldn’t expect our kids to buy what we’re selling.  It’s the same as the “because I said so” argument that didn’t work when they were 5.

 

So, get that screen out of his room, get in the first word and many more after that.  And if you think you’re too late, you’re not!  Just dive in and be awkward now.  If you have any other genius ideas, I’d love to hear them.

 

 

image credited to H Berend via http://www.sxc.hu/

Salsa Dancing and Pain

In my early 20s I was under the illusion that parenting would be easy.  You feed them, change them and put them to bed.  Game over.  I was ready to start a family about 6 weeks after my wedding.  Thankfully my wife being far more sensible, convinced me to wait for a few years.  Parenting, as it turns out has been astronomically difficult.  No other role in my life has so dramatically attacked my inherent selfishness.  I learn new things about myself and what it means to be human nearly every day.  For example, I recently learned that my kids are vastly different from each other.  I was sort of under the impression that parenting one kid would be remarkably like parenting another.  How wrong I was.  For the sake of illustration, let’s talk about how each of my kids handles pain.

My oldest son is easiest for me to understand because he’s like me.  He cares immensely about what people think of him.  When he gets hurt he’s going to play tough because he’s concerned about your impression of his ability to handle pain.  Just the other day he was doing an impersonation of El Macho’s salsa dancing from Despicable Me 2 (a scene worthy of another blog post) when he bashed his shoulder into the kitchen counter.  He hesitated but carried out his salsa maneuvers like a champ.  When it comes to pain, my oldest is going to play tough.  In responding to his pain it’s best to tell him how tough he is and sort of move on.

My oldest daughter could not be more opposite.  For her, there is no way to tell the difference between a stubbed toe and a severed leg.  The screaming will be the same in each situation.  She is dramatic and emotional to degrees I’ve never ever heard of.  The best way I’ve found to respond to her is to simply hold her for a very long time and then we’ll still probably have to talk about what happened for hours…girls.

My youngest son is very peculiar in his approach to pain.  The kids and I will be wrestling in the living room and I’ll look around for him and he’ll be gone.  Somehow, in the midst of pillow projectiles and children being catapulted onto various couches, Jack got “bonked” on the head and disappeared behind the couch.  Though he’s hiding, he isn’t crying and if you try to pick him up for a hug him he will yell and squirm.  When hurt he doesn’t want to be noticed or coddled.  He wants space.  He’s rather like me at my birthday dinner.  If a waitress so much as sings a note of “Happy Birthday” she will get a french fry to the eye.

My youngest daughter is a fireball.  Although only 1 she has her own way of handling pain.  Just yesterday she tried to kiss her baby doll and the plastic face was a little too hard on the lips so she screamed and launched the baby across the room.  When hurt, my daughter is likely to punch you, bite you or throw something at you.  It doesn’t matter if it was your fault or not.  She’s like a hornet’s nest.  The closest person is gonna get it!

So there you have it.  4 kids with 4 entirely different approaches to handling pain.  And this is just one issue.  As it turns out parenting one kid is rather unlike parenting another.  It’s not easy and it takes far more strategy than I originally supposed.  I’m learning that I must customize my approach to each of my kids.  And yet, I love it.  Each one of them is a unique mystery full of possibility, challenge and promise.  I can’t wait to see how each of their individualism emerges to tackle the world.

 

image credited to whatumean

What Your Kid Needs From You in College

So how do you parent a college student?  While every child is wired differently I’d love to share a little about my college transition experience, and share some advice on what worked for me and others around me.

 

 LET THEM BE

With the freshman year transition, immediate physical separation from my parents did a lot of good. As counter intuitive as it may sound, I noticed that the less my parents were physically present, the more I grew into my own skin.

In high school, your parents are kind of “always there”, and therefore a link to the life you need to transition away from. In my belief, it was good for me to cut myself off from my home; it also forced me to rely on The Lord and His strength, and not my own. My relationship with Him grew so much more when I only had His presence and promises to lean on.

Now, I’m not saying “PARENTS DON’T TALK OR BE WITH YOUR KIDS EVER, YOU’RE STUNTING THEIR GROWTH!”  Believe me, your kids will need to talk. A lot. I couldn’t even tell you how much time I spent on the phone with my mom.  That’s definitely needed. But, it should stop at that: advice and wisdom.

Additionally, encourage them to not come home as often. Again, I don’t mean to sound harsh, but establishing a presence on their campus does WORLDS of good for them. It allows them to make their school their new home, and also allows their own individual life to be established, instead of constantly having their adolescent life being fed into their present reality. Staying at school on the weekends, although hard sometimes, allowed me to develop new relationships, get to know my surroundings better, find a new home church, and just simply establish my roots. And I’m so glad I did.

 

STAY THE COURSE

My first semester of college was awful. Really awful. I didn’t want to be at the school I was at, I was homesick and terrified of becoming an adult. I love my school now and it had truly become home but at the time I was really struggling. However, the best thing that my parents did during those times was to remind me of God’s faithfulness.  The Lord had provided in so many ridiculously amazing ways for us to even afford college and He would see me through.

My parents did the wise thing and redirected my focus away from my emotions and toward the logistics of how God had shown Himself real and present.  A quote that got me through a lot: “When you cannot trace God’s hand, you can trust His heart.” (Charles Spurgeon)

 

 THE SHIFTING OF ROLES

I found that my relationship with my parents grew tremendously when I went off to college.  Our relationship transformed from one based on authority to one based on friendship and shared experience.

And the beautiful thing is that through college, I began to see my parents as wise adults who have been in my shoes before. Yes, my parents were my age at one time and learned the same exact things I did. That mutuality is absolutely priceless. Embrace that transition. It’s beautiful.

 

 LISTEN

As I said earlier—college freshman need to talk things out. Talking helped ease the stress that I was feeling—and parents who were willing to listen made all the difference.  This doesn’t mean you towards “fix” the problems.  Sometimes just having somebody to talk to makes all the difference. These conversations further cultivated our relationship. Don’t shrug off the times that your child wants to talk. Those times mean the world to us.

 

LOVE AGGRESSIVELY

Despite what I’ve suggested about transitioning away from home, please continue to show your kids that you love them. Some of the best moments in my college career were when I had this feeling of “Man, I’m growing into my own person. I’m becoming Spencer Penfield,” and then that afternoon I received a letter from my mom just saying that she loves me. Or a random phone call from my dad asking how my day was going. That combination made me feel like I could do anything

Finding ways to show your child how much you’re rooting for them, how much you love them, and how much you think what they’re doing is great- that’s what gets us by. Being separate, but continuing to love and encourage, that’s what it feels like to grow up.

So, whatever stage of the transition process you may be in and however frustrated or great you feel, rest in this truth:  transitions are meant to bring us to a spot where we have to put everything into the Lord’s hands. It is through these times that we are given the beautiful opportunity to surrender to the One who is constantly working something in us. And that is a beautiful truth to rest in.

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Guest Blogger:  Spencer Penfield will be graduating with a major in Strategic Communication, and a minor in International Business from Cornerstone University this spring. There, he is the Marketing Intern where he helps manage the University’s social media. Spencer is an aspiring photographer, writer, dreamer, and storyteller. You can see his work www.facebook.com/spencerpenfieldphotography or www.spencerpenfield.com

 

Image Credited to Paul Stainthorp

 

The Evening Highs and Lows Tantrum

Everyone knows that all great student ministry small groups start off with “highs and lows” or some variation of it.  Some call them “best and worst,” “roses and thorns” some “wows and pows,” “mountains and valleys,” and others “poops and giggles”–an unsanctioned “craps and laughs” has even weaseled it’s way into popular usage much to the chagrin of conservative youth workers everywhere.  Also, more linguistically sophisticated youth groups employ “waxes and wanes.”  Actually, that’s a lie.  I don’t believe that archaic wording has been seen since 1884.

If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, the idea behind “highs and lows” is that each student shares the high and low points of their week. This exercise is incredibly important because how else could Billy share about his great aunt Mabel’s bunion issue or how could Sally’s tell of her cat’s untimely end in the neighborhood cul-de-sac.

On a more serious note, “highs and lows” is actually a genius technique for leading a small group.  It creates space for each student to share and employed over time the exercise creates an atmosphere of honesty and support.  If you’re not utilizing it in your small group I won’t tell anyone of your noobitrocity but you should get on it!

A few months ago I decided to employ “highs and lows” in my family.  We began to share our “wow and pows” at every evening meal.  I fancy it to be a mini-small group time.  My kids are young–7, 5, 3, 1 so, sometimes the sharing is a little ridiculous.  Here are a few quotes:  “My high is that I won a monkey at school.”  “My high is that Parker asked me to marry him.”  “My low for today was that I peed my pants at school…again.”

Sometimes sanctioned “highs and lows” protocol is broken.  For example, my 3 year old hasn’t exactly grasped the difference between highs and lows so he always refers to the worst part of his day as his “high” which sets of a cacophony of laughter and well meaning corrections from my oldest son who is immensely concerned with exactness of procedure.  He’s a perfectionist in the making.

After the laughter has quieted, a second break in protocol arises.  My oldest daughter, who shall remain anonymous is rather rambly.  They say that in a typical day women use twice as many words as men.   Well, I am sure that my daughter uses roughly four or five times that amount.  She has the amazing gift of being able to stretch a short story into an incredibly long affair. She’s sort of like a Hobbit movie in that way.

As a typical dinner goes, she will begin to share what her low of the day was and my oldest son, who you may recall is concerned with exactness and specificity as well as succinctness and accuracy interrupts the story with a shorter and more correct rendering of the tale before she has finished.  Everyone knows that interrupting another’s “high” or “low” is a serious procedural infraction.

Now, along with being exceptionally wordy, my oldest daughter is also an Olympic level tantrumist.  Yes, she can go from zero to flail in just under 3 seconds.  Her tale now highjacked by her accuracy minded brother, my daughter will presently throw herself to the kitchen floor and flail about for several exceptionally loud moments.   At this point, the meal is either ruined or we take a 5 minute recess to regroup.  This is essentially what happens every time we do “highs and lows” at the Buer house.

All in all, I must say that I plan to continue using “highs and lows” at our evening meal from now until I’m too weak or senile to boss my kids around.  What I love is that my kids are learning to share honestly with each other and with us.  I also know that community isn’t built overnight.  It takes investment and time.  Over and over again I’ve seen 6th grade small groups that from the outside appears to be a WWE cage match, and yet that same group in the late years of high school is transformed into a beautiful picture of what grownup church ought to be.

The truth is that you can’t have the honesty, love and commitment without first going through the cage match.  Real community is forged in the wrestling and stories of aunt Mabel’s bunion and the dead cat cul-de-sac.  It takes time.  And, that’s exactly why I’m going to keep plugging away with “highs and lows” at the dinner table.  Although, a pair of ear plugs for the tantrums may not be a bad idea.

 

image credited to Amanda Tipton

 

 

 

 

How to Parent a College Freshman

5 minutes ago you were changing their diaper and rocking them to sleep.  Now, they are visiting colleges or already working toward their college degree.  Time flies.

As a parent, the game changes when your child begins college.  Your kids still need you but they need you in different ways.  You must learn to adapt.

 

DISORIENTED

For a student, the first semester of college is incredibly disorienting.  Everything is new and unfamiliar.  What used to be automatic is now complicated.  What used to be done for you is now your responsibility.  The workload is impossible.  The social scene is foreign.  The temptations are new and the churches are weird.  The first semester of college might as well be Mars.

College freshman feel lost between two worlds.  A few months ago they were kids.  Mom did their laundry and made their meals.  They aren’t quite adults either.  They can still sleep in until noon and play video games all night.  Nevertheless they feel lost and it will be a very long time until a college student truly feels like a “real” adult.

Because of this, college freshmen will fluctuate between moments of impressive maturity and forehead slapping immaturity.  It’s the nature of the transition.  This sort of thing doesn’t happen overnight.  There will be crashes, tears, triumphs and setbacks.

 

NEW ROLES

College can be as confusing for parents as it is for students.  What exactly is your role now?  The signals are confusing.  She calls me crying.  He wants money.  She screams, “This is my life!”  He has a new girlfriend who I’ve never even met.

I believe that college students want and need their parents more than they often let on.  The support they want and need looks different than it did when they lived at home but it is crucial nonetheless.  Here’s my advice on how to parent a college freshman…

1.      A Retreat

Nearly everything about college is foreign and new.  It’s all a bit too unsettling and disorienting.  In the midst of this, home holds within it everything that is familiar and comfortable.  A weekend at home can reorient and recharge.

Many parents quickly transform their college student’s room into an office or spare bedroom.  Please don’t do this.  You’re taking away your son or daughter’s retreat to the familiar.  Even simply knowing that their childhood room still exists can be a comfort.

2.      Communicate on Their Terms

You may feel that your college student is delusional when they talk about how busy they are.  Just wait until you have a full-time job and children!  But, they still feel overwhelmed and perception is reality.

We have to understand that their communication with us will be sporadic and sometimes curt.  This doesn’t mean they don’t want to hear from you.  In fact, they desperately need to hear from you.  They are simply learning to navigate the busiest schedule they have ever managed.

Leave them static communications that they can get to in their own time.  Text.  Leave a voice mail.  Send a care package or snail mail.  Communicate regularly, even when you don’t hear back.  Encourage your kids, let them know you believe in them and care about them.  They are listening and they need you.

3.      Don’t Get Offended

Your child is interacting with all kinds of new information.  He is meeting people from different backgrounds.  She’s sitting under the teaching of professors from entirely different worldviews.

It’s very likely that your son or daughter will come home in a few months and share some new ideas that you will not like.  Do you best to restrain yourself from intellectually destroying your son or daughter’s new ideas.  Most likely they haven’t changed their entire belief system.  They are exploring.  They are attempting to reconcile what they have always known with what they are learning.

The truth is, if you did a good job of building their worldview when they were a child they will be fine.  If you didn’t, now isn’t the time to pounce all over their independent thinking.  You will only drive them away.

4.      Advice Instead of Decrees

With all that said, college freshmen still need direction and you are still their parents.  However, the game has changed.  You aren’t in a position to “ground” them or take away their allowance.  Instead of making decrees shift to advice.  Share stories from your life.  Ask for permission to share your opinions.  In short, treat them like they are an adult.  Doing this communicates respect.  Your kids still want your opinions and advice but they want to be treated like an equal.

 

To recap, college is exhilarating and disorienting.  Your college student still desperately needs you but they need you in new and different ways.  My hope and prayer is that you courageously adapt and engage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Porn Will Find You

Recently I spoke to a group of parents about sexuality and their kids.  A parent in the audience asked one of the most common questions I hear: “When should I talk to my kids about sex?”  Great question!  Let me answer it with a story…

Last month my friend and his family were trick or treating with their kids.  In that blind lust for candy that kids develop around Halloween they ran off ahead of him.  My friend and his wife weren’t concerned because they were in a safe and normal suburban neighborhood.  None of these homes were crack houses or meth labs.  There were no confederate flags or gun ranges.  It was a normal, upstanding neighborhood—the kind of place where your grandma or great aunt Gertrude might live.

Anyway, the kids ‘trick or treated’ a house, a man answered the door and handed the kids candy.  Looking over his shoulder toward the TV in the living room the kids couldn’t help but notice what the man was watching.  The guy was watching porn while handing out candy to children on Halloween.  That is creeptastic.

My friend’s 5th grade son encountered pornography for the first time while he was trick or treating.  How does that even happen?  And yet, how did any of us first encounter pornography?  It’s usually accidental or random.  Very few kids go looking for porn.  Pornography has a way of finding us.

When I was in 6th grade, I walked over to my friend’s house expecting to play Tecmo Bowl on his NES.  Instead, he popped in a VHS he had found in his parents’ closet, the images from which are still burned into my mind.  Porn has a way of finding us.

As parents, we need to be clear about something:  Porn will find your kids.  It’s inevitable.  Recent research reveals that 98% of people in our culture have seen pornography.  I’m pretty sure the 2% were lying.

There may have been a day in our culture when the goal of parenting was to protect our kids from ever seeing pornography but that day is long gone–lost somewhere in the 1950s.  I’ve heard its locked in a vault somewhere with the Andy Griffith Show.

THE FIRST WORD

Is the pull of pornography inevitable?  Do we just surrender?  Do we shrug and allow our kids to be lured into the web of pornography?  No way!  We need a different and more honest approach.

If we know that our kid will inevitably see pornography, the question we need to wrestle with is: “What will our kids do when they see pornography?”  We want them to respond in the right way.  This requires preparation and a preemptive strike.  I believe our kids need to know what pornography is before they ever see it.  We must get in the first word on pornography.

I’m not saying that we explain what sex and pornography are when our kids are kindergarteners.   That would be crazy.  However, they do need to know that not everything on the Internet is safe.  They need to understand that there are pictures and videos out there that will hurt their minds.

They need to be coached on how to respond when a friend wants to show them a picture that is inappropriate.  Essentially, they need to understand from an early age that pornography is out there and that it will hurt them.

 

THE LAST WORD

Not only do we need to get in the first word, we need to get in the last word.  What I mean is that we want our kids to process what they see with us, not their friend down the street or through Google search.   This requires building a massive amount of trust because telling anyone, let alone your parents, that you looked at pornography is an incredibly shameful and embarrassing moment.

And yet, we knew from the Scriptures that when sin is dragged out into the light it loses its power.  Pornography addictions take root in the darkness.  They begin when a kid accidentally stumbles on pornography, feels incredibly shameful and yet powerfully intrigued but doesn’t tell anyone because he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing.

Your kids will see pornography.  How will you prepare them for it?  Is your relationship open and strong enough for them to feel safe confessing to you?  How will you walk with them once it happens?

 

image credited to maura

 

 

Tenacious Mothering

Somehow my daughter turned 21 a few days ago.  I still don’t really understand how this happened but I can assure you it has nothing to do with me getting older.

When I announced to a close friend that Melanie was going out that evening to celebrate she shocked me with a question I didn’t know how to answer

“Did you tell her not to take a drink from anyone she doesn’t know?”  “Well, no…I didn’t tell her that.”  “Because you never know what someone could put in a drink before they give it to her…”

Needless to say, I freaked out and left my daughter a long impassioned voicemail that went something like this:

“Don’t take drinks from strangers and don’t ever go to the bathroom by yourself and don’t drink anything that is made in a garbage can or a bath tub and don’t do shots because they make you stupid and don’t drive even if you’ve only had a few drinks and don’t go anywhere with anyone you don’t know and most guys you meet in a bar are trying to figure out how to get in your pants!”

Yes, I panicked.  My sweet little innocent baby girl was going out into the world and I wasn’t sure if I had said everything that I needed to say so I just opened up the fire hose and left nothing to chance.

The good news is that I haven’t left much unsaid over the last 21 years.  I was always the mom who said the weird awkward things.  I talked to her about sex and boyfriends.  I talked to her about catfights and how boys really think.  I talked to her about what it feels like to have your heart broken.  I talked to her about being resilient.   I was open and honest and brought anything that she tried to keep in the dark out in the light.   Sometimes it went really well and sometimes it was messy and ugly.  But either way we talked about it.

So whether you have a 1 year old or a 21 year old, my advice is this:  start talking.  Whatever age you think you should start talking to your kids about sex, partying and friends—start earlier than that.   If you have a teenager, start now.  Be weird, creepy, and awkward.  At least they’ll know what creepy sounds like when they run into it.

Ask them questions even if you’re afraid to know the answers.  I know it’s a tough idea to implement but be persistent and relentless and for crying out loud man up!  No one ever said parenting would be easy.  If your kid isn’t ticked off at you at least 30% of the time you’re probably not doing it right.

Trust me when I say that down the road your kids will appreciate your intrusiveness.  A couple summers ago my husband and I dropped Melanie off at her first apartment in Chicago.  As we drove away I was shouting obnoxiously out the window “Don’t let a stranger carry your groceries!  Nothing good happens after midnight! Always park under a streetlight!”  And on and on until we wear out of earshot.

She just smiled and waved and I was sure she knew how tenaciously I love her.

Christina

 

Guest Blogger:  Christina Thelen has been serving in student ministry for over 8 years and has been tenaciously mothering for over 21.  When she isn’t volunteering with students she can usually be found planning epic events or posting cat pictures to Facebook.