Discipleship | Aaron Buer

Dumb | Walk Away

Welcome to the final post of a series about the dumb stuff I’ve done in student ministry. I hope it has been helpful. This last post is painful for me. Some of my posts have been humorous. This one isn’t. It is one of the great regrets of my life and ministry career. My hope is that you’ll be able to avoid this mistake.

I need to tell you a story. It’s a story that repeated itself during my first few years of ministry. The names and situations changed but the narrative happened again and again. I remember sitting at a coffee shop with a student as he revealed a destructive pattern in this life. He opened up about his pain, the damage his sin was causing and the tension of the struggle. I listened for a while and then began to share my plan for fixing the problem. Over the next few weeks, we met three or four times. During this time, he made no progress. He didn’t implement any of my advice. Then, I decided he didn’t really want to grow and change, so I stopped meeting with him because I needed to focus on students who would respond–who wanted to grow in their faith. In other words, I wrote him off. I walked away.

If I could only redo one thing in my ministry career it would the choice to walk away from students. Why? Because, at that point in my life, I completely misunderstood faith development in adolescents and what it means to be a spiritual mentor.

I want to share a couple images with you that describe the difference between how most of us assume spiritual development works in the life of a student and how it actually works in real life. By the way, you should know that I stole this images from a breakout session at the SYMC conference back in the day. If I remember correctly, Scott Rubin and Kurt Johnston were leading the session.

The first image describes the spiritual development trajectory we expect. Over time, students gradually become more mature and their faith becomes deeper and more solid. This is what we expect and what, many of us naturally believe will happen.

This second image describes what spiritual development actually looks like in the lives of most of the students we interact with. It’s incredibly messy.

Some days they say something that makes you think they might be the next Billy Graham. Some days they confess a porn addiction. Some days they start a romance with another student in your ministry and everything gets awkward. Some days their parents split up and their development goes into a free-fall (hence the line outside the box). Some days they try pot. Some days they finally understand grace. Some days they stop attending your youth group for months. Some days they send you a thank you card years after leaving your ministry that makes you weep.

The truth is that discipleship is incredibly messy. None of our growth trajectories are linear. We’ve all been all over the map. Why would we expect students, who are navigating the most dramatic changes a human experiences, to be any different?

If I could go back in time, I would grab my 23 year old self by the shoulders, shake myself vigorously and say, “Grace. Patience. Long-view. Journey.” Of all the mistakes and dumb things I’ve shared in this series, the one that breaks my heart is that I didn’t stay engaged with students. I walked when I should have stepped closer. I should have journeyed with them as they navigated painful and disorienting spaces.

I plead with you to stay engaged with your students in the mess of spiritual development. When they blow it, speak the truth but love them. When they do something great, celebrate them. When they blow it again, don’t give up on them. Don’t walk away from them. They need you.

Walk away image credited to Manny Valdez via Flickr

Linear graph image credited to AJC via Flickr

Terrible looking scribble image credited to me

The 1 Thing You Have That Trumps Culture

Recently, I attended the Orange Tour at Woodside Bible Church in Troy, MI. BTWs, if you haven’t been to the Orange Tour, it is a great one day experience. We took our entire family ministries team and loved it! And, Woodside Bible is a pretty cool church who I enjoy talking with because, like us, they are a large church attempting to figure out multi-sites.

Anyway, while I was at the Orange Tour, Reggie Joiner said something that has stuck with me. When he said it, I wanted to stand up and shout, “YES!” but I didn’t because I got scared. I didn’t come from one of those church backgrounds where people yell amen at the preacher or even clap. We grunted or perhaps nodded. Well, now I’m off-track.

So, let me paraphrase what Reggie said: We, in student ministry, often get caught up in the flash and bang of programming and environment. We focus on great videos, lighting, sound, games, and musicians. We tend to believe that these things will attract people.

Many of us, who don’t have access to the massive budgets of mega churches, feel that we can’t compete with the larger churches. They have their fancy youth centers, production engineers, and arena-quality auditoriums. If the flash and bang of programming and environment is what attracts students, then smaller churches might as well close up shop, right?

But, the truth is that none of us, mega or small, can compete with what people see on TV, YouTube or the theater. Our culture will always win in a war of technology and entertainment. Whether you are a mega church of 20,000 or a country bumpkin church of 50, you cannot consistently beat culture in a game of who is more technologically or artistically innovative.

There is, however, one way in which culture can never beat us. There is one thing that we provide that students cannot get anywhere else in our culture, and that is caring, spiritually mature adults who consistently love students and invest in them. It’s all about relationships. The vast majority of kids don’t have adults in their lives who are consistently there for them, whose motives are not exploitative in any way. These relationships are where we can win, and this is why a small student ministry can be every bit as effective as a meg church student ministry.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Recruit and Equip Pastors

Students have plenty of adults in their lives. It’s not that we just need more nice adults. What we need are pastors. We need adults who are spiritual mature who have the capacity and desire to walk alongside students and mentor them in faith. In our ministry, the small group leaders are the pastors. They are the ones who shepherd the students.

To be clear, this requires and immense amount of training, community and coaching. We imbed our small group leaders in community, train them on a bi-weekly basis and constantly meet with them for coffee along the way to encourage and guide them. The truth is, our staff invests far more in our volunteers than our students. This is one of the secret ingredients for growth in student ministry.

2. Think Long-Term

The kind of shepherding relationship we’re talking about doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years to develop. Most students don’t have adults in their lives who are consistently there for them so it takes a long time to build trust. We ask our middle school leaders to lead for 3 years and our high school leaders to lead for 5 (4 years in high school and 1 year beyond). The depth of relationship we are talking about here takes a long-term investment. You have to fight for longevity.

We’ve achieved longevity because our staff stick around forever and because we’ve created a culture in which the kind of adults who are want hate leaving. Give your volunteers the same depth of community and shepherding that students crave.

3. Focus on the Conversation

If relationships are the one way we can beat culture every time, then our entire focus should be on the conversation. Every event should be about groups and groups should be the focal point of all your programming. For us, the focus isn’t worship or even the teaching. It’s small group time. The teaching always points to a conversation that leaders have been prepared for. On retreats, mission trips and camps, small groups experience these things together. It’s all about the conversation.

So, whether you are a student ministry of 10 or 10,000, relationships are where we can win. We can offer students something incredible powerful and magnetic: a relationship with a caring adult who loves them and wants to invest in their lives. If you’d like to learn more on how to develop a student ministry like this. This is the book for you: Creating a Lead Small Culture.

photo credited to David Pacey via Flickr

Why We Meet in Homes

Our student ministry meets in homes every other week. Crazy I know. Twice a month, we sacrifice epic large group programming and cram our students and small group leaders in regional homes. We sacrifice the awesome band, stage lighting, world class teacher (me of course!), stage, convenience, latte maker and everything else. Why would we do such a crazy thing? Because, the payoff is tremendous. I’m telling you that this model is a secret weapon that the rest of the student ministry world needs to wake up to!

Here’s a video we recently made for our parents to explain why we do this crazy thing. Check it out.

Why we do House (formerly called Cell Family) from Lifeline Student Ministries on Vimeo.

How to Build Faith in Kids

What’s the first step in building faith in a student or a child? Is it presenting the Gospel? Is it getting them in the Bible? Is it mentoring them? What is it? Recently, I spent a few hours with Chap Clark in a SYMC breakout session and he helped refine what I view as the foundation of discipleship.

TRUST

What does it mean to be a mature disciple of Jesus? The simple answer is that I’m mature when I trust Jesus with everything. I trust Him with my money. I trust Him with my media choices. I trust Him in the way I treat my wife. Personally, I think maturity is as simple as trust.

If this is true, teaching another person to follow Jesus is as simple as teaching them to trust Jesus in every area of their life, one step at a time.

Because of this, the foundation of discipleship is trust. How do children and adolescents learn this? How do they decide to trust someone they can’t see? They subconsciously decide whether Jesus is trustworthy based on how the people of Jesus treat them.

SAFE

So, what’s the first step in building faith in another person? It’s safety. As a parent, forging a safe relationship is crucial to faith development. In children’s ministry, creating and maintaining a safe environment is paramount. As a small group leader or youth worker, using safe language is foundational.

How do I know this is true? This reality is best illustrated with fathers. What’s your relationship with your dad like? If your dad is a safe and trustworthy person I would bet you’ve learned to trust Jesus. If your dad was a cruel person, I imagine there is a good chance you struggle with accepting the goodness of God. If your dad was never quite satisfied with your accomplishments or talents there is a good chance you never feel good enough for God. You constantly wrestle with whether or not God likes you. If your dad was absent or abandoned your family, you probably have moments in which you wonder whether or not God truly cares or if He is there at all. We learn about Jesus from the people who profess to follow Jesus

What does it mean to be safe? Safety is communicated in the way we talk to kids, particularly when they fail. Safety is communicated in the way we joke around with kids. Is it funny for everyone or is it biting? Safety is communicated by the look on our face like when a kid confesses a failure. Safety is communicating in the way we talk about people we disagree with.

POWER

If you are a parent, small group leader or youth worker, you are in a position of tremendous power. You are teaching children and adolescents what God is like. But, it isn’t your bible stories, sermons and programs as much as it is your words, your reactions and attitudes. Will they learn to trust God? Do they trust you? Until they develop abstract thinking skills, the question is as simple as that. Safety is our number one priority.

photo credited to Adrian Ruiz via Flickr

Why I Lie

I know a family who recently adopted a little girl from an impoverished nation in Africa. The girl has been living with her adopted family for several years and has been functioning quite well except for one area. You see, this little girl barely survived her first few years in Africa. She was alone living on the streets–starving. She would wait in line for days to be served a meager ration. Food was the one thing that was constantly on her mind. She barely survived and was always hungry–ravenously hungry.

Thankfully she was adopted by an American family who has provided her with love and plenty of food ever since. But, she can’t seem to shake her old habits concerning food. Her parents have found that she eats everything. She will take seconds and thirds and eat until she nearly bursts. At school, she will ask to visit the restroom and instead she will slip into the communal cubby area where all the kids keep their backpacks, coats and boots. There she systematically opens each backpack and rifles through each lunch box eating everything she can until she is caught. Although most of her other social behaviors would go by unnoticed she will eat, steal and hoard food at every opportunity. Why? She is fighting to survive. Her little mind convinces her that she must eat. She needs to eat. Her very life depends on it.

Her body is with a loving family who has plenty here in America but in her mind she is still a starving child living on the streets in Africa. Her mind hasn’t caught up with her present reality. She isn’t alone anymore. She is deeply loved and cared for. This is her new reality. Her mind just hasn’t embraced it yet.

CATCHING UP WITH REALITY

I do this same exact thing and my suspicion is that you do too. So much of what I do is designed to win your approval–to convince you that I am valuable. The jokes I make, the stories I tell and the clothes I wear are chosen to impress because I have a fierce need to be accepted and valued…and so do you.

My problem is that I haven’t embraced my present reality. Like the hungry little girl, I was an orphan and so were you.. Not in an physical sense but spiritually. You see, we are designed to find our belonging and value in a close relationship with our Creator and Father. When this relationship is estranged it is impossible for us to function as whole people. The brokenness within us will drive us to behaviors that don’t make sense–like eating everything in sight or in my case being funny, buying a pair of jeans I can’t afford or stretching the truth in a story to make myself look a little more impressive to you. I do this because I don’t feel like I belong. I don’t feel like I am loved.

ADOPTED

I love that the Apostle Paul described our new relationship with God through Jesus as adoption.

But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law.God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children.And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, “Abba, Father.”Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child.And since you are his child, God has made you his heir. (Galatians 4:4-6)

I can’t help but think that God looks at our behavior the same way that we look at the starving little girl–with pity and sadness. Don’t you realize that you don’t have to act that way anymore? You don’t have to lie. You don’t have to sleep with him. You don’t have to run to that addiction. Don’t you know that you are loved? Don’t you know that you are mine? Who cares what everyone else thinks? I love you.

I have a new reality. I am accepted and loved. I’ve been granted the privilege to call the Creator God, “Dad.” No offense but I’m going to stop caring about what you think of me. I don’t need to be funny, stretch the truth or dress a certain way to gain your approval because I don’t need it. I have the approval of my Father. I choose to believe my present reality and I invite you to do the same.

image credited to Even Earwicker via http://www.sxc.hu/

Speaking Light

I grew up going to church from a young age. As a little kid we used to sing this old song. Perhaps you know it. It goes like this:

“This little light of mine. I’m gonna let it shine. Hide it under a bushel. No! I’m gonna let it shine.”

Like most songs I sang as a kid I had no idea what this song was about. First off, what the heck is a bushel? I actually thought the word was bush which was weird because I kept imagining sticking a candle in a bush and watching the whole thing burst into flames…which of course would have been awesome.

Mostly, I just enjoyed shouting “NO! I’m gonna let it shine!” as loudly as I could. All little kids love shouting “NO!”

I learned much later that this goofy old song actually has roots in the Bible and coincidentally has nothing to do with setting stuff on fire. The words actually come from Jesus. In what scholars call the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said these words to his followers:

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.

YOU ARE THE LIGHT

Jesus often referred to Himself as the light of the world, which makes sense because He is the Messiah. Through Him is forgiveness and life and peace with God. He is the hope of the world.

But here, Jesus refers to His followers as the light of the world. Essentially, he’s saying to you and me—you are the light of the world. Wait what? How does this work? Because I don’t know about you but I don’t often feel like a light.

According to Jesus, I do have something to offer. You do too. Why? Because we have a relationship with the Savior. We know the Messiah. The truth is that you’ve experienced Jesus in ways no one else has. Jesus has shown up in your life in ways that He hasn’t shown up in mine.

The way you’ve experienced Jesus is something no one else knows—unless you talk about it. You see, talking about Jesus and what He has done for you is a way of being a light.

WE NEED EACH OTHER

The truth is, we need each other. We were not meant to pursue Jesus alone. Community is crucial.

Recently, I realized that every significant decision in my life—every significant moment of spiritual growth, came out of a conversation.

I learned that God loves me and wants to rescue me because someone told me
I stopped manipulating girls in dating relationships because a friend explained to me the damage I was doing and how to stop it.
I pursued student ministry because someone told me that I could be a good youth pastor.

All the significant growth moments of my life began with a conversation.

I understand what Jesus was talking about with this whole “light and city on a hill” thing because I’ve experienced it—I’ve seen how it works in my life. The words of God’s people can be a light to the people around them.

HEARING LIGHT

So, who is speaking light into your life? Are you hearing more light or darkness from your friends? Are there Jesus followers who you could become closer with? We all need to hear some light.

The times in my life when I have struggled the most are the times in which I didn’t have friends and mentors speaking light into my life. The times I was too lazy or stubborn to pursue community were the times I drifted away from God.

Who is speaking light into your life?

SPEAKING LIGHT

My second question is this: who are you speaking light to? Going back to Jesus’ words from the Sermon on the Mount.

Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

You have something meaningful and special. Share it! Don’t hide it! The truth is, the world needs you. You have something that no one can argue with. It’s your experience with Jesus. The ways He has brought life, healing and purpose to your life is something we need to hear about.

We weren’t meant to pursue Jesus alone. It’s impossible. We need each other. The Jesus community is not as strong as it should be without you speaking up. We need to hear your story. We need to hear your encouragement. We need you to challenge us.

Shine your light. The world needs you. We need you.

image credited to nuwandalice

Why You Might not Enjoy Talking to Jesus

Growing up, I understood Jesus to sort of be this smiley, tousle your hair grandfather figure. I imaged that talking to Jesus would be like talking to my great grandfather who was fond of gifting me with loose M&Ms out of his shirt pocket as he dished out depression era wisdom. I’ve since learned how weird the M&M thing was and how different Jesus is from my childhood imaginings.

YEAH BUT THOSE HUSBANDS THO…

Recently I reread the Gospels and noticed that Jesus was actually rather awkward in his conversations. What I mean is that He was blunt…really blunt.

One of my favorite scenes of the Gospels is when Jesus talks with the woman at the well. After offering her living water that will never leave her thirsty he says something you just don’t say to someone.

“Go, call your husband and come back.”

I have no husband,” she replied.

“You are right when you say you have no husband.The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband.”

If Jesus’ disciples had been around during this conversation, I imagine they would have pulled Jesus aside and whispered, “You gotta stop. This is uncomfortable!”

And, I love the woman’s response, “’Sir,’ the woman said, ‘I can see that you are a prophet.'”

I’m about as far as it gets from a linguistic expert but my translation of the Greek is basically, “OH CRAP!” Her past has been exposed and she’s uncomfortable. What is it about Jesus? Why does he dig like this?

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

In the Gospel of Matthew there is another awkward conversation in which Jesus asks hard questions.

When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Man is?”

They replied, “Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets.”

“But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

If I were one of the disciples I would have probably slipped into a nearby cave. What’s up with Jesus being so blunt?

TREASURE IN HEAVEN

In what I would consider to be the most awkward conversation in the Gospels, a young man runs up to Jesus and asks how to get eternal life. Jesus tells him he should obey the commandments. The young man responds by saying he is. Then Jesus drops an awkward bomb.

Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”

Uh…what? Is there a baby step option here?

THIS IS FOR YOU

One thing I know from reading the Gospels is that Jesus is always about others. Everything that he does and says is for the benefit of the people around him. So, there has to be significance to his awkward bluntness. Maybe it’s that Jesus knows that there is no growth without honesty. There is no transformation without truly looking in the mirror. There can’t be freedom without understanding what it is that has you in bondage.

Every awkward conversation I referenced was an opportunity for growth. Jesus forces the woman at the well to admit who she really is. Jesus demands that his followers admit what they really think and believe and Jesus reveals to the young man that he is a slave to money.

I used to believe it was better to mind my own business and I hated it when friends bluntly identified inconsistencies in my life. Now, I’m realizing that maybe awkwardness leads to maturity and bluntness might just be spiritual.

image credited to cowfish

The Danger of Not Digging

Have you ever read a situation completely wrong? I have. I once got a person’s gender completely wrong. “Hey Jon, is this your mom?” “Nope.” “It’s my brother.” “Oh….”

I’ve read people wrong in student ministry too. A few years ago, I received a letter from a former student—a student who had been regularly involved in our student ministry for all seven years. He was in a small group with the same leader for 4 years, attended snow camp and even attended a mission trip. His letter informed me that it was all an act. He never believed any of it. He is an atheist. He was playing along for the sake of his parents. We never knew because we never asked. We never dug beneath the surface.

WHY THEY WALK AWAY

Based on the published research I’ve read and my own experience I would say that the majority of students who walk away from church after high school do so for the following reasons:

They never figured out what they believe
They never worked through their doubts
They never understood why Jesus matters

I would attribute most of this to a lack of digging—from parents and youth workers. We assumed things were fine because they were coming to our programs and weren’t smoking pot. We never gave them permission to talk about their doubts because, well, that’s uncomfortable. We never connected them to the mission of Jesus because we were more concerned about intelligent lights and transition videos than we were about actually connecting them to what Jesus is doing in the world. We never gave them the chance to participate.

PICK UP A SHOVEL

The lesson I learned from that letter is that we need to start digging. There is far too much at stake for us to simply assume. We need to get messy by asking harder questions, listening better, and connecting them to the mission of Jesus. The fact that students are walking away from church because they were bored with Jesus is unbelievable.

HOW TO DIG

So, how do we dig beneath the surface? Here are some thoughts:

1. Get on their turf

Who are your students at school, at home and in the world of social media? You might be surprised. Most students have multiple selves and aren’t terribly bothered by the dissonance of being one person at church and another at school. Only by digging into their world can we really see who they are.

2. Drop Your Guard

Honesty unlocks honesty. If you want your students to be real then you must be real. You must be honest about your doubts, struggles and mistakes. They won’t be willing to go anywhere you haven’t already gone. Free them from pretense and masks by dropping your own.

3. Ask Incredibly Awkward Questions

Digging is messy and uncomfortable but let’s be real, there’s a lot at stake. Be direct. Be blunt. If their eyes widen then you’re on the right track. Ask that question that makes you blush. Drag sin out into the light. Force them to verbalize their thoughts. Be ok with silence and unleash the power of the “why” question.

4. Overstay Your Welcome

Digging beneath the surface is a long term project. You have to earn the right to speak truth into the lives of your student. There is no such thing as trust without time together. Students don’t need a quick spiritual surgery to set them right. They need a guide to walk with them as they journey through adolescence. Stay in the lives of your students. Students need small group leaders who will walk with them for 3 or 4 years. Stay engaged with them as they transition into college. Overstay your welcome.

I never want to read a letter like that again. Let’s dig into the lives of students and help them as they struggle to build a faith of their own.

Getting Students into the Bible

For years we’ve been bothered by the reality that our students are largely Bible ignorant. Most of them don’t read the Bible regularly or even have a strong grasp of how to navigate it’s pages. Part of this is is due to the fact that students don’t read much of anything in our culture and part of this is probably due to the fact that we as parents and youth workers are dropping the ball.

Our student ministry team is making an effort to think creatively on how we can get students into the Bible. Our first idea is embedded in our Wakes teaching series.

Wakes Bumper from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

This is a four week teaching series on influence from the book of Acts. As part of the experience we invited our volunteers and students to read through the book of Acts together. We sent this bookmark home with each student and built this website: lifelinestudents.org/wakes. We built the website because students usually only read physical books if there is a grade dependent on it but they will often read voluntarily on their phones.

The beautiful thing about this project is that it cost us basically nothing–only printing and shipping for the bookmarks. Through a couple announcement videos and encouraging students to post to instagram and twitter with #lifelinewakes we’ve created a little buzz. So far so good. We’d love to hear your ideas on how you are getting students into the Bible.

Wakes – Acts Reading Plan from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

What If God Doesn’t Want You To Be Happy?

Today I’m guest posting on Ada Bible Church’s blog, Sabea. If you’ve never been, you should check it out. There are a lot of great posts .

Here’s an excerpt from my post:

What if God doesn’t want you to be happy? Wait, what? No seriously, what if God’s goal in your life isn’t your happiness? What if God is after something deeper and more meaningful?

Our culture is obsessed with happiness. Think about advertising slogans. “Have it your way,” “Open Happiness,” “The Happiest Place on Earth,” and of course, the McDonald’s “Happy Meal” (which often ends in bitterness when my kids don’t get the toy they want).

Most people’s goal in life is to be happy. We date and eventually marry people because they make us happy. We pursue sports, vacations, relationships, and vocations that make us happy. We buy things because they make us feel good. And yet, when we look around, most people aren’t actually happy.

For as hard as we try, it isn’t working.

Happiness is a slippery thing. It’s elusive and shifty. It constantly moves and morphs. A person, thing, or job that used to make us happy doesn’t anymore. And when we don’t feel happy we react and chase after something or someone we believe will make us happy. We leave the relationship or quit the job. Very few of us are willing to stay in a situation where we don’t experience the emotions associated with happiness. We run.

Click here to read the rest of the post.

Category: Discipleship