Have you ever read a situation completely wrong? I have. I once got a person’s gender completely wrong. “Hey Jon, is this your mom?” “Nope.” “It’s my brother.” “Oh….”
I’ve read people wrong in student ministry too. A few years ago, I received a letter from a former student—a student who had been regularly involved in our student ministry for all seven years. He was in a small group with the same leader for 4 years, attended snow camp and even attended a mission trip. His letter informed me that it was all an act. He never believed any of it. He is an atheist. He was playing along for the sake of his parents. We never knew because we never asked. We never dug beneath the surface.
WHY THEY WALK AWAY
Based on the published research I’ve read and my own experience I would say that the majority of students who walk away from church after high school do so for the following reasons:
- They never figured out what they believe
- They never worked through their doubts
- They never understood why Jesus matters
I would attribute most of this to a lack of digging—from parents and youth workers. We assumed things were fine because they were coming to our programs and weren’t smoking pot. We never gave them permission to talk about their doubts because, well, that’s uncomfortable. We never connected them to the mission of Jesus because we were more concerned about intelligent lights and transition videos than we were about actually connecting them to what Jesus is doing in the world. We never gave them the chance to participate.
PICK UP A SHOVEL
The lesson I learned from that letter is that we need to start digging. There is far too much at stake for us to simply assume. We need to get messy by asking harder questions, listening better, and connecting them to the mission of Jesus. The fact that students are walking away from church because they were bored with Jesus is unbelievable.
HOW TO DIG
So, how do we dig beneath the surface? Here are some thoughts:
1. Get on their turf
Who are your students at school, at home and in the world of social media? You might be surprised. Most students have multiple selves and aren’t terribly bothered by the dissonance of being one person at church and another at school. Only by digging into their world can we really see who they are.
2. Drop Your Guard
Honesty unlocks honesty. If you want your students to be real then you must be real. You must be honest about your doubts, struggles and mistakes. They won’t be willing to go anywhere you haven’t already gone. Free them from pretense and masks by dropping your own.
3. Ask Incredibly Awkward Questions
Digging is messy and uncomfortable but let’s be real, there’s a lot at stake. Be direct. Be blunt. If their eyes widen then you’re on the right track. Ask that question that makes you blush. Drag sin out into the light. Force them to verbalize their thoughts. Be ok with silence and unleash the power of the “why” question.
4. Overstay Your Welcome
Digging beneath the surface is a long term project. You have to earn the right to speak truth into the lives of your student. There is no such thing as trust without time together. Students don’t need a quick spiritual surgery to set them right. They need a guide to walk with them as they journey through adolescence. Stay in the lives of your students. Students need small group leaders who will walk with them for 3 or 4 years. Stay engaged with them as they transition into college. Overstay your welcome.
I never want to read a letter like that again. Let’s dig into the lives of students and help them as they struggle to build a faith of their own.
