Tag: sexuality

Real Talk About Pornography

Today is the last piece of my 3 part series on “what guys need to understand about sex.”  Today’s topic is pornography.  Porn is like a drug and it can destroy us.

If you are a parent, please read this.  It may help you understand what is going on in your child’s head.  If you are guy…you definitely need to read this.  Here’s an excerpt from the article:

Because we as guys are designed by God to be fascinated with the female body and because we, especially as young men have a powerful sex drive, pornography is incredibly dangerous.  Research shows that 50% of us are addicted to pornography.  That is how porn works.  It is highly addictive, and like other drugs, gateway porn leads to harder and harder porn.

I’ve talked with many guys who accidentally stumbled upon porn and within a few years they were compulsively viewing harder and harder pornography several times a day, engaging in sexting and eventually acting out their fantasies.

Understand this:  pornography is not controllable.  It cannot stay compartmentalized.  It leaks into the other areas of your life.  It is like a campfire that jumps its barriers and becomes a raging forest fire.  Pornography has the power to destroy you and the relationships that you care about the most.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the rest of the article.  Click here to read it.

 

If you are struggling with porn, here is one of the best resources I’ve ever seen:  xxxchurch.com

Concerned about your son or daughter?  Click here for great resources and idea.

What Every Guy is Desperate For

Hey everyone,

This week I am guest posting for The Youth Culture Report about what guys need to know about sexuality.  Today’s post is on what every guy is desperate for.  If you get this thing right you can set a boy on the path to self-confidence, inspire a man forward or save your marriage.  Here’s an excerpt of my article:

As guys, we want our lives to matter.  We want to be significant.  And, this is the way we approach relationships.  When it comes to a relationship, we want respect. 

What is respect?  We want the woman we love to be proud of us.  We want to be considered worthy of her loyalty and love.  It’s really that simple.  If you think about it, that’s all we want out of life.  We wanted our dads to be proud of us.  We wanted our teachers and coaches to be proud of us and we want our girlfriends and wives to be proud of us.

If you are a woman, understand this:  If you show your man that you respect him on a regular basis, it will revolutionize your relationship.  All men have a little boy inside of them that just wants someone to be proud of them.  Most of what we do is designed to make you proud.  As childish as it sounds, the more you think of us like a little boy who needs a pat on the head and a proud smile, the better.  Praise us, make a big deal about the things we do and we will put on that little boy grin and love you with fierce loyalty. 

I’d love your feedback on the rest of the article.  You can read it here:

3 Things Guys Must Understand About Sex

A few weeks ago I wrote 4 pieces on what girls need to know about sex.  Since then many people have asked me to write the same stuff for guys.  So I did.  I wrote 3 posts for The Youth Culture Report Blog.  I think they’ll be helpful if you are a parent of a guy, have guys in your student ministry, are a guy, know a guy or have heard about guys.  Here’s an excerpt:

God invented sex.  No, for real.  At some point God called his angels around and said, “I just had an idea.  A really good idea.  No Gabriel, way better than volcanos.”  OK, I know that’s not how God actually works, but God did invent sex.  It was His idea and it was an awesome idea—probably the awesomest idea ever. 

Check out the rest of the post:  3 Things Guys Must Know About Sexuality

 

If you’re interested in the 4 posts on talking to girls about sex, you can find them here:

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality Part 2

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality Part 3

4 Traps That Will Derail a Girl’s Dreams

 

4 Traps That Will Derail a Girl’s Dreams

mousetrapThis week my blog has been devoted to a talk I gave to our female high school students during our student ministry’s sexuality series.  The response to these posts has been overwhelming!  So, I decided to add one more post.  This too comes from that original talk.

As I wrapped up the conversation, I warned our girls of a few traps that commonly derail women from what they really want out of romance and relationships.  Here they are:

1.  50% of Guys are Dangerous to Your Dreams

Unfortunately, pornography has become a massive issue in our culture.  Recent studies have shown that as many as 50% of guys are addicted to pornography.  I know that the last thing you want to think about is pornography but it’s important to understand that guys who are addicted to pornography are dangerous to your dreams.  If the statistics are true, this means that half the guys out there are not for you.  Here’s why:

Pornography is toxic to intimacy.  Pornography will corrupt the way a guy views women.  The longer he is addicted to pornography the more women become mere objects.   Let me speak plainly, you DO NOT want to end up married to a guy who is addicted to pornography.  I have seen and heard of so many marriages that were wrecked because of pornography.  If you discover that the guy you are involved with is addicted to pornography dump him and run—even if it’s the day of the wedding.

2.  You Get What You Dress For

Look, I understand that you crave and love the attention that you get from dressing sexy, but there is a cost.  First, there is a danger in viewing your self-worth more and more through the lens of physical beauty.  Eventually this will cause major problems to your self-image.

Secondly, what you really want is a man who will treasure you for all your life.  This kind of man is searching for a woman who is worthy of respect.  Whether it’s fair or not, men make snap judgments about a woman’s character based on the way she dresses.  If you want attention from the kind of man who will treasure you forever, aim for cute and save sexy for the night of your wedding.

3.  If you Want Good Coffee Don’t Go to Denny’s

This one will blow your mind:  You will most likely fall in love and marry a friend.  You will probably meet this friend somewhere that you regularly hang out.  This is how romance works.

You also don’t get to decide beforehand who you will fall in love with.  That’s the funny thing about falling in love—you fall into it.  It just sort of happens.  One minute he’s funny and the next he’s dreamy.  It’s like magic.

So, if you’ll most likely marry a friend who you meet somewhere that you regularly hang out, you should probably pay close attention to who you hang out with and where. In other words, if you want good coffee don’t go to Denny’s.  Go to Starbucks.

Confused?  If you want a godly man who will treasure you forever, hang out in the places where he’ll hang out.

4.  Prince Charming Won’t Change Who You Are

My final warning is this, don’t fall for the trap that the perfect guy will make you happy or complete you.  No guy, no matter how dapper or gentlemanly can love you more than God already loves you.   Be who you are in Christ.  Truly understanding and living out your identity as a treasured daughter of the King is the key to everything.

 

3 Things Girls Must Know about Sexuality: Part 3

Lily 3Piper5Today’s post is the third installment in a series about talking to female students about sexuality.  As I began my talk I asked the girls if I could practice a conversation on them that I planned to have with my own daughters.  If you’re starting to think I’m a creeper you might want to check out days one and two and or check my Facebook to confirm that I do in fact have my own daughters.

If you want to see you dreams come true in terms of relationships and love you must first answer these questions:  “Who am I?” and “What do I want?  The final question you need to be able to answer is this:

How Do Guys Think?

It’s all well and good to understand who you are and what you want but if you don’t understand how guys think you’ll spend most of your time being confused by how we act toward you.

  • We are Physically and Visually Oriented

Here’s the first thing you have to understand about guys: we are visually and physically oriented.  Women, as you already know, are relationally and emotionally oriented.  Let me illustrate how this works in dating.  Imagine yourself walking along the beach during a beautiful sunset with a guy who you are attracted to.  He is looking deeply into your eyes, speaking softly, using words like, “love, “beautiful” and “forever.”  What happens to you in the moment?  You forget where you are, your heart starts to do that butterfly thing and you feel a warmth creep from your toes to your hair and you are completely lost in the moment.  In fact, if you’re not careful you are liable to do something you regret.  In other words, the atmosphere, words, attention and romance sweep you away and make you more likely to do something dumb.

It’s totally different for a guy.  Do you want to know what sweeps him away and makes him more likely to do something dumb?  Two things:  your body and…your body.  OK, that’s only one thing but you get the point.  Look I know it sounds weird or maybe you think it is gross but the truth is, this is how God created us.  We are obsessed with you and specifically your body.  You have power over us.  The more that your body is exposed and the closer it is to us the dumber we get.

So, the moral of the story is this:  if you don’t want to cross your boundaries tell him to shut up when he uses the “L” word and wear as many clothes as you can.  But seriously, just understand the differences in the way we are wired.  When there are candles and he’s speaking to you lovingly, you get dumber.  When your body is close to his and you are kissing him, he gets dumber.  If you aren’t married both of these scenarios can be dangerous.  If you are married it’s really quite awesome.

  • We Don’t Want to be Chased

Here’s another thing that guys want:  to conquer you.  I don’t mean that in any sort of gross or sexual way.  I mean that a guy wants to pursue you and win your heart.  I always tell people that I dated my wife for a full year before she started dating me back.  She played hard to get and that was a really good thing.

All I can say is that, the kind of guy who will treasure you forever is the kind of guy who has the confidence and moral capacity to pursue you.  The kind of guy who won’t love you in the way you deserve doesn’t have the strength to pursue you.  He is a sissy and you don’t want to end up with him.  The reverse of this is also true, the kind of guy who will love you forever doesn’t want to be chased by a girl because girls like that are not worthy of respect.  See also Potipher’s wife.  A man wants to treasure a woman who is worthy of respect and love.  So, if you’re chasing after a guy who you like…stop it.  Trust me.  If he is the kind of guy who is worth your time, he will pursue you.

Tomorrow, I’ll finish this series with a few thoughts on traps that can derail a girl and keep her from her dreams.

 

 

3 Things Girls Must Know about Sexuality: Part 2

Lily 2Piper3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few weeks ago I gave a talk to our female high school students in which I asked them if I could practice a talk on them that I planned to have with my own daughters when they were older.  Today’s post is the second of three parts in this conversation.

Here’s where we’re at:  If you want to see you dreams come true in terms of relationships and romance you must first answer this question:  “Who am I?”  The second question you need to wrestle with is this:

What Do I Want?

  • Treasured

I would argue that when it comes to the realm of romance, what you want is The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks.  And by that I don’t mean all that gross stuff in the beginning of the movie with the piano in that old house, or even that cute lying down in the middle of the street scene.

I’m talking about how the husband relentlessly pursues his wife for all of her life.  He never gives up on her, fights for her, loves her passionately and sticks by her side despite the fact that she loses her marbles and doesn’t even know who he is.  That movie is guaranteed to make you cry because it speaks to your deepest and most secret desire.  You want to be treasured.  You want to be fought for.  You want a man to treat you like a princess, not just when you are young and beautiful but when you are old, saggy and senile.

  • Who Can Treasure You?

So, here’s my question:  what kind of guy will love you like that?  Some of you already have the experience to know that the answer is not, “any good looking guy who notices you.” The honest truth is, not every guy you run into can love you like that.  Let me say it another way, not every guy you fall for has the moral fabric to produce that kind of love.  Not every guy who chases you can love you like that.  Not every guy who tells you that you are beautiful is willing and able to treasure you.  It takes strong character and inner security to pursue a woman like that.  It has to be a quality man who has built his life on Jesus because in my opinion only Jesus can produce that kind of love.

  • Don’t Sacrifice Your Dreams!

This is my challenge:  Don’t base your dating decisions on what you want today or even what you want next week.  Base your dating decisions on what you want in thirty years.  Instead of imagining a hot date on Friday night, imagine two rocking chairs parked awkwardly close to each other on an old familiar porch.  Do not sacrifice your dreams for temporary fulfillment.

The unfortunate reality of our culture is that 90% of the guys who will show interest in you do not possess the character required to treasure you and love you in the way you really want and deserve.  And yet, you will have days when you are lonely.  There will be seasons of life in which every one of your friends is in love and you have no one.  I understand that being patient isn’t easy.  But hey, when you get lonely eat some ice cream—for reals.  Instead of texting that boy who isn’t worth your time, eat a snickers.  Don’t sacrifice your dreams for the attention of some boy who doesn’t have it in him to treasure you.  You are much too valuable for that.

And remember who you are.  Until you embrace your identity in Jesus and understand how desperately your creator loves you, you will not be strong enough to exercise the patience that it takes to wait for the right kind of guy.  Work on your identity.  You will never be more loved than you are right now.

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality

LilyPiper

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few weeks ago I talked to our female high school students and leaders about sexuality.  I began by introducing them to my daughters through a picture on the screen behind me.  I asked them for permission to practice a conversation I planned to have with my daughters when they get a little older.  The next three days of my blog will be devoted to what I said.

If you want to see your dreams come true—in terms of relationships and marriage, and I know all of you have an image in your mind of what your wedding will be like, down to the dress and the colors—then you have to be able to answer three questions.

Who am I?

  • You are a Masterpiece

First, you need to understand that as women you are the pinnacle of God’s creative abilities.  He created you last.   You’re the, “Now I’m just showing off” part of creation.  Every artist has a masterpiece and for the artist who built the universe, you’re it.  I get the impression from the scriptures that God is incredibly proud of “woman.”  You should take comfort and pride in your beautiful uniqueness.

And understand this:   God implanted a ridiculously powerful magnetic pull within men to be enamored with you. Perhaps you’ve experienced our eyes following you.  Kind of awkward I know but we are created to be drawn to you.  In our minds, you and more specifically your body are more alluring and beautiful than mountains, waterfalls, sunsets, shootings stars, and anything else that you can think of.  God has given you an incredible and special gift and that gift is your sexuality.  How you use it is completely up to you.  You can waste it or invest it.

  • You are Desperately Loved

Not only are you incredibly valuable to God as the masterpiece of His creation, but you are also desperately loved.  Jesus became a human, suffered and died and was raised back to life in order to rescue you from your sin and rebellion.  God loves you, and I mean you specifically, enough to sacrifice His very life to bring you back to Him.  Understand this:  you will never be more loved than you are right now.  No one or nothing could make you more loved than you already are.  You are desperately loved.

Secondly, you need to understand that your beauty is anchored in what God has said about you.  Psalm 139:13-14 tells us that God knit you together in your mother’s womb.  In case you were wondering, humans are not mass produced.  God lovingly creates each one of us individually.  He takes immense satisfaction in who you are.  He personally constructed your personality and body.  Hear this, He purposely gave you the body that you live in and he is immensely happy with it.

  • Beauty is NOT Defined by Culture

In our culture, “what is beautiful” is defined by a bunch of fat, gross rich guys who’ve been divorced 15 times, sitting in a gaudy office making a crap-ton of money from exploiting women.  If you take your cue from them you will always struggle with not feeling good about yourself.

Each of us needs to decide where we will look when it comes to our identity and value.  You can choose to look up or look around.  When you look up you listen to what God has said about you then you become grounded in the reality that you are God’s masterpiece—handcrafted and desperately loved.  When you look around you are resigned to comparing your body to the magazine rack and internet cartoon women.  Computer cursers elongate them, make them bigger in some parts, smaller in others and shade their faces like a coloring book.  In our culture, the standard for beauty is a cartoon.  This isn’t fair and if you fall into the trap of comparing your body with a cartoon you’ll constantly struggle with feeling good about yourself.

My prayer for you is that you would look up and understand how beautiful, amazing, treasured and important you are.  You will never be more loved than you are in this moment.  Live in this reality and you will find life.

When you truly understand who you are in Jesus and begin to live out of that identity you become more and more whole and at peace every day.  When you are at peace and content with who you are then you are ready to love and be loved by someone else.  In other words, when your identity is built around Jesus you will become emotionally healthy enough to pursue your relational dreams.