Where Real Sex Begins


I read in a book one time that sex starts in the kitchen.  Umm…what?  Personally, I believe that real sex–meaningful sex the way it was designed to be experienced–begins long before a look or a kiss or anything like that.  Let me explain.


I think healthy and meaningful sexuality begins with looking in the mirror.  It starts with being satisfied with who you are.  Am I comfortable with who is looking back at me?  Too many people use sex as a way to feel good about themselves.

“He wants me.  That must mean I am valuable.”

“She is willing to give herself to me.  That must mean I am worthy. “

Sex will never be meaningful if we aren’t at peace with who we are.  It begins with understanding our identity in Christ.  As beloved creatures of the creator, we have already been declared to be beautiful and good.  As redeemed sons and daughters we have already been told that we are loved and valuable.

Sex could never make you more valuable or loved than you already are.  Sex was not meant to make us feel these things.  Using sex as a tool to feel better about yourself is dangerous and ultimately pointless.  Misusing sex actually makes you feel worse about yourself.

Real sex begins by looking in the mirror and understanding who you are in Jesus—not only understanding but becoming comfortable and at peace with your declared value and worth.  Only from this place can you experience sex as it was meant to be experienced.


God designed sex.  Whoa…that’s a weird thought.  But, it’s a true.  Sinful humans didn’t invent sex.  Sex isn’t dirty or gross.  It’s good and beautiful.  In fact, sex is beautiful because it was God who invented it and gave it to us as a gift.

With all that said, sex is also incredibly dangerous because God designed it for a specific context.  According to the biblical account, sex is for marriage and nowhere else.  And, the biblical writers gave us a bazillion warnings about misusing sex.

Why?  Because God designed sex as a way to forever cement two people together.  Sex literally and symbolically unites two people—physically, emotionally and spiritually.  There is no going back on the union either.  “Just kidding” or “oops” doesn’t do anything to erase the connection.

I have also seen evidence of this reality in the people around me.  I have never met anyone who is actually happy about having sex before they were married.  All I’ve ever seen and heard is massive regret.

I’ve seen many marriages struggle and end in divorce because of sexual baggage.  I’ve talked to guys who are terrified to tell the girl they intend to marry about their sexual past.  I’ve talked with people who can’t stop comparing their spouse with previous sexual partners.

Real sex begins with a fence.  We need boundaries.  Why?  Because God designed sex for marriage and when we use it in any other way we invite pain, regret and brokenness.  It isn’t that God is trying to rob us of fun.  It’s that He wants us to experience life, meaning and joy.

Real sex starts with a mirror and a fence.


Image Credited to susivnh

Aaron Buer

Author: Aaron Buer

A little about me: I’ve been a student pastor for 12 years and currently serve as the student ministries pastor at Ada Bible Church in Grand Rapids, MI. Ada Bible is a multi-site church of about 9,000. Most of my time is devoted to leading my amazing team, writing curriculum, teaching, and trying to navigate the challenges of multi-site church. I absolutely love my job and the people I am blessed to serve with. I’m primarily a family guy. My wife and I have five incredibly awesome and unique kids. Most of my free time is devoted to them. When I can find time for me, I love beach volleyball, writing, fishing, video games or a good book.

3 thoughts on “Where Real Sex Begins”

  1. http://www.trueorigin.org/sex01.asp

    I suggest you read the above article thoroughly and completely; you do not hold any ground in simply claiming that God designed sex. Sex is a biological process that has been developing over billions of years. It is designed for reproduction and only reproduction. It does not cement two people together. Marriage is a human invention most likely stemming from our concept of property and ownership, as monogamy is found in nature rarely, if at all. Having sex with multiple partners is what we are biologically programmed to do. Self confidence is a big factor when thinking about sex, but Jesus only comes into play when you allow yourself to be fooled into thinking that some higher power dictates what you do with your body. I was shaking my head in shame through this entire article. Consider me the first person you’ve “met” who is happy about sex before marriage. I can introduce you to thousands more.

    1. We are also biologically programmed to go to war, kill one another, be entirely self-seeking, and do what’s best for “number one”. If you are going to use that logic, then you unfortunately cannot pick and choose which you agree with. I can’t imagine you support the continuation of war and selfishness because it is how we humans are biologically inclined.

      There has to be consistency in your moral compass.

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