Some of my most painful moments have come in youth ministry. I’ve seen terrible things: eating disorders, abuse, and every sort of family dysfunction out there. But if I’m honest, nothing hurts quite as bad as betrayal. A knife in the back from someone you trust is the sort of thing that many people never recover from.
When volunteers, parents or pastors turn against you it’s devastating. For many who have left the ranks of student ministry, betrayal is what drove them over the edge. So what do you do when someone close to you—someone you love and trust, throws you under the bus? Based on some painful experiences and how I managed to pick up the pieces afterward, I have a few thoughts.
1. Vent
Anger is like poison. Keeping it inside will corrupt you. I’ve been fortunate to have close friends with whom I can cry, freak out, and throw things. I don’t freak out often but when I do I go hard in the paint.
To be in ministry, you simply must have a place to vent. However, there have been times in which I created more trouble for myself by venting to the wrong people. If venting is aimed at revenge or winning people to your side of the conflict then you should be careful.
2. Forgive
This isn’t about the person who betrayed you. This is about your heart. You cannot control what people do and say but you can control how you react. The danger here is bitterness. Unfortunately, I know many current and former youth pastors who choose to live in an angry darkness. Somewhere along the way they were betrayed and they never forgave. Bitter people multiple bitterness in the people around them. This is destructive and hinders effective ministry.
3. Protect Yourself
Some people are toxic. By that I mean that they are emotionally unsafe. Sadly, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Jesus calls us to repeatedly forgive but He did not call us to repeatedly trust. There is a huge difference. In some cases you will need to set up boundaries to protect yourself. But, don’t you dare pawn that toxic volunteer off on another ministry!
4. Look Around
Sometimes when you are betrayed it isn’t necessarily you who is attacked but rather your ministry. You’re too serious, too fun, too unorganized, too seeker, too loud, too…whatever. This happened to me recently and while the accusations hurt I couldn’t help but look around at all the amazing things that happen in our ministry on a weekly basis. We are pointing students to Jesus and connecting them with adult mentors who love them. How dare us! When accused, look around and remember how valuable your work is.
5. You’re in Good Company
Here’s the thing, we come from a long line of Jesus followers who have been betrayed in every way possible. We shouldn’t be surprised by opposition. We have an enemy who hates the work of the Gospel. Be proud.
6. Jesus
I have to confess that I forget this one far too often. I vent to close friends and sometimes anyone who will listen and then I forget to take my pain to Jesus. I’m talking about the Jesus who said, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened.” I’m talking about the Jesus who was betrayed by one of his own disciples—betrayed with a kiss. So low!
The point is if you’re going to survive the pain and thrive again Jesus is the answer. Run to Him and rest. He is the One who rebuilds and restores. He’s the King of Comeback. He did come back from the dead after all. Just sayin.
