Aaron Buer - student ministry | leadership | parenting

Best Posts of the Week

In my wanderings around the blogosphere this week I found some great stuff. Two posts in particular captured my attention:

This post on Donald Miller’s Storyline blog made me laugh real hard. How Do You Get Rejected by eHarmony?

Stephen Ingram is a student ministry pro who writes on a blog called Organic Student Ministry. This post killed me: 10 Antiquated Words in Student Ministry

As for my own blog, A Tribute to Christina was the most read post of the week. Check it out.

photo credited to east_lothian museums

Today, one of my favorite co-workers of all time is saying goodbye to our student ministry team. I’m not sure I’ve ever been so sad to see a teammate go. Christina Thelen has been on staff with us for the last four years. She’s brought an incredible amount of life, passion and professionalism to our team. We’re going to miss her terribly.

Today’s post is for you Christina. There are so many things that I appreciate about you and here’s my attempt to highlight a few of them:

DEVOTION

You’ll never find a more devoted friend than Christina. If she’s in your corner you have a serious ally. If we were in the old west, she would be at your side at the OK Corral. She will always defend you and fight for you—even when you’re wrong, which has been great for me because I’m often wrong.

I’ve learned a lot about what it means to be a good friend from Christina. She is always there, always on your team and will always willing to give when you are in need. You’re not going to find a more devoted friend than Christina

FUN

Our team is ridiculously fun. We’ve been told by others that whenever they visit the LifeLine office that they just want to sit and hang out all day. We pride ourselves on being fun. Christina has been a huge part of this. She has a fantastic sense of humor. Truthfully, many of the ideas for our funny videos have come from her. We just like to steal the credit because it makes her mad. And honesty, one of our favorite activities is making Christina mad. It’s just too entertaining.

PASSION

I’ve always been a little timid when it comes to conflict. I’m prone to roll over and surrender when the conversation gets heated. That’s not how Christina rolls. At first I thought she was just “likes to fight girl” but now I understand that she lives with conviction and passion and she deeply believes in student ministry. When it comes to fighting for an idea that will increase ministry effectiveness or help students, she’ll go to the mattresses.

One of the things I’ve learned from Christina is that some things are worth fighting for. When it comes to the things you believe in—your passions and convictions, don’t roll over when you hit resistance. “You gotta fight for your right…”

STRENGTH

Christina has made me a stronger person—literally…by hurting me…a lot.

Christina Tribute from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

EMPATHY

Christina is simultaneously one of the toughest people I know and the most sensitive. She truly loves students and empathizes with their pain. She can do “empathy face”—you know, when you’re listening to a painful story and your face displays the same emotion that the story teller is feeling? She cries with those who cry and celebrates with those who are celebrating. I don’t really know how to do this because I’m a “F-“ at empathy.

One of the things I’ve noticed about Christina is that students and volunteers constantly go to her when they are in pain. She is great at listening and truly caring about what you’re going through. I learned this during my failed adoption. She was a very good and empathetic friend during one of the most painful episodes of my life.

Christina loves people exceptionally well—especially when they are hurting. She’s taught me so much about student ministry. She’s been a star player on our team and we’re going to miss her. We love you Christina and wish you the very best in your transition.

10 Things That Make Camp LifeLine Awesome

1. A Lake

Our camp is on a lake. That’s cool. Every morning I wake up to be blown away by God’s creative beauty. Also, our students swim, tube, fish, and ski. Basically, having camp on a lake is awesome.

2. Buttons

This year our students earned or were awarded 19 different buttons. It sounds ridiculous, and it is, but they went NUTS over these buttons. It was a great way to keep them engaged.

3. LifeLine Gear

Our campers all received a t-shirt, a drawstring backpack and buttons. Our students LOVE our t-shirts and LifeLine apparel happens to be one of our best marketing tools.

Our volunteers received everything our student did as well as a hoodie and a trucker hat. At this point some of our volunteers wear basically nothing but LifeLine gear. They are walking billboards.

4. The Leader Fridge

There is a fridge in the cafeteria of our camp that is packed with Starbucks Frappuccinos, pop (soda if you’re not from Michigan) and other assorted goodies. Simple things like supplying your volunteer leaders with good beverages can do a lot to help them thrive during the week.

5. Christina

We have Christina. You don’t. Therefore we win. Basically, Christina has been either on staff or volunteering with LifeLine for a decade. In her other job she is an event planner—and I mean huge events with billions of people. Essentially, she handles all the logistics of camp and it goes off without a hitch. Just don’t cross her or you’ll be sorry…or dead…or potentially both.

6. Epic Storyline

Because we run our own camp, we have the freedom to create our own programming. Here’s the storyline for this year’s camp:

Chucky and Lucky (who have been at camp before) were Wolf Scouts but now the Bear Scout Den Mother (Sean Connery) has called them to Bear Scout Training. The objective is to capture a bear and prove themselves worthy of being Bear Scouts.

In the process, Lucky is captured by the Bear and thrown into the back of a creeper van. In the end, the Bear and Lucky become friends. Lucky brings the bear to closing session, the bear is revealed to actually be El Mattadore (another returning character) and all the campers receive their Bear Scout pin. Get it?

Ok…ridiculous, I know. Here’s all you really need to know: every time one of these characters appears on stage or in a video the place erupts. I mean, they go nuts. Our students love these characters and the storyline provides and insane amount of fun and laughter. Stop judging.

Lucky Get’s Captured by a Bear

7. Fishing

Shaun, one of our volunteers is an avid fisherman and acted as our fishing guide. Every day our students could enter a lottery for a chartered fishing trip. It was basically awesome.

8. Neon Dance Party

It’s tradition that at the end of our variety show comes a dance party. It’s incredibly complicated, but here are the instructions:

Bring some dancing fools to the stage
Begin throwing down some killer tracks
3 or 4 songs in, hand out neon to every student
Sit back and watch the magic
As always, end early. Leave them wanting more.

9. Muck War

Camp is not complete without an epically messy muck war. Here are your instructions:

Split all of your students into 4 teams. Place them at 4 corners of the field/arena/coliseum
Provide teams with: entirely too much flour, billions of water balloons, and an astronomical amount of shaving cream
Sit back and watch the magic

Side note: have your leaders hold the cans of shaving cream. Giving them to the students may lead to stitches—not that I would know.

10. Morning Show Infomercials

Just watch…

Cheetos Fingers from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

11. Love

I know I’ve already used my allotted 10 things but hear me out. The awesomest thing about our camp is that middle school students experience a whole lot of love. For some, a week of camp can be transformational. I love watching high school students and adult volunteers pour themselves out to love and lead middle school students.

Nickleback+Nursery Rhymes= Nurseryback

We place a premium on fun. If you’re not having fun in student ministry then you’re not doing it right. We show a funny video of some sort every time our student ministry meets. Sometimes, as in the case of this one, the topic is really for our volunteers. We don’t mind being occasionally irrelevant to our students because one of our values is providing a fun environment for volunteers as well as students.

Last week at Camp LifeLine we made a bunch of ridiculous videos and this one is probably our best ever. Just watch it. If you laugh…share it! Feel free to show it in your student ministry if you need a funny video this week. Enjoy…

NurseryBack from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

4 Things I Learned at Camp

One of the keys to success in ministry (or any field) is to never stop learning. Never stop observing and listening. Last week our staff and 60 volunteers put on an epic week of camp. Camp LifeLine is my favorite week of the year because it’s ridiculously fun and because God always does amazing things in the lives of our people.

I learned a lot last week just by watching our students and our leaders. Here’s what I picked up.

CAMP IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO TACKLE HARD TOPICS

One of the reasons we put on our own camp is that we can tailor the curriculum to our students. And one of the things we’ve learned over the years is that camp is the perfect context for complicated or difficult issues. Camp provides the time, space and relationships to unpack and wrestle with difficult issues.

THERE IS HOPE FOR THE NEXT GENERATION

I hear a lot of doomsday talk about the future of our country and the next generation’s lack of potential. Let me say that I deeply believe in this generation. I believe in them because I have seen them leading and serving.

Last week our student leaders absolutely killed it. They put their own agendas and issues aside and loved and led middle schoolers exceptionally well. They were heroes in the eyes of our middle schoolers. I can’t speak to the future of our country but I’m confident in the future of the church.

ONE-ON-ONES ARE THE SECRET WEAPON OF STUDENT MINISTRY

It’s painful to admit that students don’t remember much of what we teach. I’d estimate that 90% of our communications are forgotten within one day. However, students always remember relationships—specifically relationships with adults or older students who loved them.

This is why we build our student ministry around mentoring relationships. The key to mentoring relationships is one-on-one time. One-on-one meetings are the secret sauce in our ministry. I firmly believe they are the most strategic thing a volunteer can do.

One of my favorite memories from last week was watching leaders do one-on-ones with their students. These conversations led to many students embracing the gospel for the first time. But they also led to many tearful follow-up conversations between our volunteers and our staff, which leads me to my next learning.

MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENTS ARE DEEPLY HURTING

I used to consider middle school ministry as less complex than high school ministry because high school students wrestle with heavier issues. After last week I’m not so sure anymore. The one-on-ones between our volunteers and students dredged up a lot of pain. Our middle school students are hurting—pressure to perform, families that are disintegrating, bullying, pornography, loneliness, depression, and a whole lot more. My heart breaks for the students of this generation. They feel alone and unloved.

On the one hand, I feel incredibly grateful that our staff and volunteers put on an excellent camp and that 250 middle schoolers walked away feeling loved and valuable.

On the other hand, can we as parents and churches start engaging and loving our kids better? Our children are the most valuable treasure that we have. Why do they feel alone? Why do they feel abandoned and unloved? How in the world can a 7^th grader be wrestling with depression?!? Let’s engage them. Let’s pay attention to them. Let’s love them well and point them to Jesus.

Why We Do Summer Camp

Last week was Camp LifeLine—a week of camp on the illustrious shores of Stoney Lake. It was an incredible experience for everyone—staff, volunteers and students. I’m so grateful for how our volunteers left it all on the field. Our team absolutely killed it and most importantly, God showed up in a big way.

I can’t imagine our student ministry without camp. It’s an indispensable part of what we do. Here are a few reasons why we believe in camp.

GOD MOVES

On Thursday night we led our students in an hour long worship experience. God moved powerfully. Near the end of the night I invited students to surrender their lives to Jesus. 200 middle school students came forward to pray with their leaders. It was amazing. There’s just something special about getting away with students and creating space for God to move.

IT’S JUST TOO FUN

Camp is where we drop our most ridiculous and hilarious videos. For example…

NurseryBack from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

TRAINING

Throughout the week, high school students who served as junior cabin leaders came to me with extraordinarily difficult questions from their small group time. Some were theological, some were practical and some were downright ridiculous. I love the fact that our high school students were wrestling through tough issues with our middle school students. When it comes to ministry and leadership training, it really doesn’t get much better than camp.

“I FEEL LOVED BY THE WAY THEY TEACH”

Halfway through the week, one of our cabin leaders came to us with a story about an incoming 6^th grade girl. During their cabin small group time, the question was raised, “What makes you feel loved.” The girl’s response was that the teachings that our staff were giving made her feel loved.

I love camp because in the span of a week you can teach your students somewhere between 8-10 times. And truthfully, kids listen better at camp. This means that you can really dig into issues or clearly communicate a few ideas. For this 6^th grade girl, who for whatever reason doesn’t feel loved; we were able to drive home the fact that she is desperately loved by her Creator. That truth, well understood, can transform a life.

AN ENTIRE CABIN COMING TO CHRIST

Very early in our week of camp we went old school. We preached the gospel and called for a commitment. We didn’t go Billy Graham and ask people to come forward but we did send them to their small groups with a few pointed questions. After the salvation teaching, an entire cabin of middle school boys gave their lives to Jesus.

Many other students decided to follow Jesus during the week and I love the fact that many of our high school leaders participated in the conversations and prayers. What a life changing experience for them.

BUILDING TRUST WITH PARENTS

Lastly, I love summer camp because it is our best marketing tool with parents. As it turns out, when you have their middle schooler with you at camp for the week, parents listen to your communications. They watch the videos and read the blog attentively. This is a big opportunity for us to communicate our values.

We received an astronomical amount of appreciation from parents through social media during the week and in person at the end of the week. Camp provides our ministry with an opportunity to build trust with parents. We’re a ministry that highly values partnering with parents, so for us, camp is a huge win.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Leadership

I can’t remember the last male character on TV who was a leader. OK, take out every super hero/Jack Bauer type character. If a man isn’t single handedly saving the world he is a sally—see every sitcom husband ever.

Let me make a clarification. By leadership I do not mean dominance. There are plenty of guys out there who know how to get what they want through dominance and abuse. The leadership I’m talking about is others first. It’s the kind of leadership that draws out the best in others. It empowers others to become who God made them to be and rallies people around the mission of Christ in the world.

When I think of my sons, this is what I want. I want my boys to grow into men who inspire, empower and lead the way. So, how do you get there? How do you teach a boy to become a leader modeled after Jesus?

LEADERSHIP IS CAUGHT NOT TAUGHT

Nearly everything in our culture teaches boys to be selfish. “It’s all about you.” “Have it your way.” “Wear this and women will want you.”

If we want our boys to become others focused leaders, we have to understand that we’re going against the flow of culture. They won’t become the leaders we want them to be without first seeing it. Specifically, they need to see us doing it. The boys in your youth ministry and in your family will lead exactly how they see you leading. Be the leader you want your boys to be.

One of the best ways to do model others first leadership is through volunteering. Volunteer together with your son. Encourage the boys in your youth group to serve in the children’s ministry. Take your family on mission trips. Serve together and they will catch others first leadership.

TEACH HIM TO LEAD IN RELATIONSHIPS

To be frank, many guys in our culture approach relationships asking a simple question: “What can I get out of this?” For the record, that’s called exploitation. Great men don’t exploit women. They empower and liberate.

At the risk of offending everyone in the universe, I believe that great men lead in relationships. Before you start writing that hate comment just hear me out. I think men ought to protect women by taking the lead on physical boundaries. Unfortunately, many guys are out to get what they can in relationships and many girls are lonely enough that they will trade purity for perceived intimacy.

The world needs men who are more interested in protecting women and bringing the best out in them than getting what they can. My dream is that my daughters would date guys who are man enough to be upfront about their physical and emotional boundaries and that they would lead the way in maintaining these boundaries.

We need to train the boys in our families and youth ministries to respect women by leading them. Their role is to protect women, not take advantage of them. Help boys clearly define their physical boundaries and then help them learn how to communicate and maintain these boundaries with girls.

Also, help them understand how powerfully their words can impact a woman. Teach him to be careful with his words. Again, the goal is to protect and empower women—no to get what you can from them. That’s exploitation.

Great men lead. They don’t dominant or exploit. They put others first and empower the people around them. To influence boys toward greatness, we must learn to lead in the same way.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Purpose

Many of the young men I’ve talked with lately are all feeling the same crippling emotion: aimlessness. I believe that most of this generation’s men are lost. They don’t know what their purpose is in life.

Great men know what they are about. They know why God put them on this earth. They have a sense of destiny and direction.

Today, I’m finishing up a week of blogging about raising great boys. If we want boys to lead significant lives, they must know their purpose —they must know what God made they to do. So, how in the world do you help a boy figure this out? You must uncover it with him.

BOYS NEED TO BE TOLD

When God created Adam, He placed him in the garden, told him who he was and why he was on the earth. He gave him a name and a job. I’m almost certain that without being told, Adam would have been thoroughly confused about what he was supposed to be doing. “I didn’t know what else to do so I invented the tropical fish tank…”

Like Adam, boys need to be told who they are and why they are here. It’s just not in our nature as humans to figure this stuff out on our own. As a parent or youth worker, it’s your privilege and duty to become a student of the boys under your care and to help them uncover their wiring, gifting, passions and ultimately, purpose.

EXPERIMENT

No one expects you to be able to diagnose a boy’s life passion and purpose overnight. These things are like science experiments. You develop a hypothesis and you test it. Most of the time your hypothesis is wrong but it moves you one step closer to the truth.

As boys progress through life, let them experiment. Push them to try all kinds of stuff. Somewhere along the line a boy will experience something that awakens something buried deep within him. He will light up. Take note: these experiences probably have something to do with his wiring, gifting, passions and purpose.

MISSION

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that life is most meaningful when our passions and gifts are aligned with what God is doing in the world. It’s crucially important that we as parents and youth workers help our boys understand the compelling and life altering mission of the Church. It’s vital that our boys understand what God’s mission is in the world and how we can join in.

When a man finds himself at the intersection of his passions, purpose and the mission of God in the world, he will find life and meaning—and more of it than he ever imagined was possible.

EXIT THE MATRIX

We need to be honest for a second, rich and meaningful lives are not easy to come by. In fact, it is hard to live a life of purpose. There is always immense opposition within and outside of us, pushing us to accept mediocrity. This is part of the reason that boys find video games so compelling. Without a whole lot of actual work, he can be the hero. He can create, battle evil, save the girl, or even conquer the world.

The temptation so many young men fall into is retreating into false worlds where they can live rich and meaningful lives of purpose while accepting mediocre or worse in their real lives.

Look, I love video games. I really do. However, far too many guys are OBSESSED with video games—playing them for hours and hours every day. Meanwhile the real world is suffering. The church needs young men who will run after Jesus and partner with him in bringing heaven to earth every day.

If you are a parent, build boundaries around video games and help your son uncover who God created him to be and what he is calling him to do in this world. If you are a youth worker, model boundaries with video games. If you are a young man, unplug and dive into the Kingdom. There is so much work to be done. There is far too much injustice on this broken planet for us to keep shooting each other over and over on the same Black Ops maps night after night.

We need to help boys build boundaries around video games so that they don’t overtake and ultimately replace their lives. Like most everything, video games can be used in a healthy way but it is difficult, especially for a young teenage boy, to find the balance.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Purity

Nothing can derail a man from the path to greatness like sexual sin. For parents and youth workers, there is no more important topic than purity. And yet, when it comes to helping boys navigate the sexual pitfalls of our culture, I’d give us a collective “D+“. I know that’s a little harsh but hear me out on this one. I think we’re dropping the ball in a few key areas.

LET HIM KNOW WHAT’S COMING

Most boys are surprised by their first encounter with pornography. It’s like a sneak attack that they never saw coming and are ill equipped to handle. We have to come to terms with the fact that, statistically speaking, boys are encountering pornography between the ages of 7-9. If our boys encounter pornography without being warned about it, we have dropped the ball.

As parents, we must equip our boys for this first encounter. They must know what to do and say when they are invited to see an image or video that could change the trajectory of their entire lives. Boys don’t need to know everything about sex but they do need to know that pornography will hurt them. I would recommend making two things very clear:

If someone tries to show you a picture or video of people without their clothes on please don’t look or watch. This is not good for you. Please tell me if something like this happens
No matter what mistakes you make in life I will love you and help you. You can tell me anything.

To put it simply, as a parent you want to be the one who surprises your son with a conversation about pornography, not Billy down the street. As youth workers, we can help in this area by equipping parents for these conversations and also by keeping parents informed of when we plan to talk about sexuality and pornography.

TEACH HIM TO BE INDEPENDENTLY PURE

This will probably sound counter-intuitive, but most parents and youth workers make the mistake of overprotecting boys. Before you hit that big red “X” at the top of your browser, hear me out. I believe that internet filters are a great idea when you have boys in elementary and middle school but not helpful when they are in high school.

Part of our role as parents and youth workers is to prepare boys for adulthood. When boys are out of the house they will make their own decisions about how to use the internet. As a parent, I would much prefer to catch my son viewing porn through the use of accountability software and have a conversation with him than attempt to block every possible pornographic site. Also, no internet filter is fail proof and most boys are viewing porn on mobile devices anyway. Either way, after he graduates, you and the Internet filter won’t be there to protect him.

Parents also fall into the trap of completely disengaging. Pornography will destroy your son. Even though he may be bigger than you are mostly independent, he still needs you to help him navigate the issue of pornography.

As parents and youth workers, we must find the balance. Don’t overprotect and don’t disengage. Walk with him through the struggle. It will be messy. He will make mistakes. You must wade in. When necessary enforce consequences. You must encourage and equip. In short, you must be a parent and be a mentor.

If you found this post helpful, be sure to check out the previous posts of this series on respect and character.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Character

This week, my blog is focused on raising great boys. Yesterday was all about building self-respect and today I want to focus on building character. Let’s be real, there aren’t many men of character out there. So, how do we raise boys with a strong inner compass? I’m glad you asked.

CHARACTER MUST BE MODELED

First, character cannot be taught. There is not a video series or book that will impart character. Character must be caught. It can only be modeled. So, very simply, if you want your boys to develop strong character, you must develop strong character yourself. Your son will catch your ethics like a virus. The boys in your small group will follow your example. How you handle money, conflict, and anger will very likely be how he handles money, conflict and anger.

Step one in developing character in boys is to develop character in you. My advice, become a student of Jesus. Never has the world encountered a man of character quite like Him.

CONNECT BOYS WITH EXCEPTIONAL MEN

Sadly, in our culture, many men are either overgrown boys whose closest experience with manhood is Call of Duty, or insecure men whose only tools of influence and leadership are intimidation and coercion. Because of this, boys don’t have many good role models. Every one of us wants to become a quality man but few of us have any idea how to get there. The road map has become exceedingly rare.

Men who genuinely put others first and possess the self-confidence to be who God designed them to be are hard to find. When you come across one, connect your son with him. Invite that man over for dinner or ask him if he would be willing to meet with your son a few times. It may sound like I’m being a little awkward but boys need proximity with quality men to understand that there are alternatives to what they see on TV. Quality men can help your son realize the potential of who he could become.

CREATE AND MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES

All of creation naturally slides toward chaos and brokenness. As part of creation, boys are no different. They need us to create and maintain boundaries so that they can learn character—so that they can learn the path to life. We must come to terms with the fact that boys will not develop good character on their own. His sinful nature will always push him toward what will harm him and others.

One of the keys to maintaining boundaries with boys is adjusting your approach as they grow older. At first, you decide what the boundaries are and enforce them. Most parents do pretty well when their boys are young and then practically lose their minds when their cute little boys morph into teenagers. This happens not because teenagers are the devil but rather because they are different than little children.

A good example for boys is video games. When he is young you (hopefully) keep his screen time very low. As he grows older he will probably try to negotiate the boundaries. Pull him into the conversation, talk to him about why you want to limit screen time. Let him increase it as long as his grades stay where they ought to be and his social behavior remains acceptable. Make him see that he will be responsible for his own decisions.

As parents, we must adapt our approach as our boys grow older. They need to own the boundaries as much as we do. We need to include them in on the process of creating and enforcing boundaries. Help him understand why the boundary is important and bring him into the conversation of what’s to be done when he crosses the line.

LET HIM FACE THE CONSEQUENCES

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard is that people don’t change until the pain of where they are is greater than the pain of changing. Some of my greatest character lessons have come from mistakes. These lessons hurt but I learned and matured. They were necessary for the development of my character. Looking back I wish I could have learned in a less painful way but I am grateful for lessons learned through pain and disgrace.

In my opinion, one of the worst things parents and youth workers can do for boys is bail them out of trouble every time they get into it. Letting him face the natural consequences of bad decisions is great parenting. It’s painful to watch him suffer but don’t give into the temptation to rescue him. In doing so, you will nullify one of God’s clearest principles—you reap what you sow.

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