This week, my blog is focused on raising great boys. Yesterday was all about building self-respect and today I want to focus on building character. Let’s be real, there aren’t many men of character out there. So, how do we raise boys with a strong inner compass? I’m glad you asked.
CHARACTER MUST BE MODELED
First, character cannot be taught. There is not a video series or book that will impart character. Character must be caught. It can only be modeled. So, very simply, if you want your boys to develop strong character, you must develop strong character yourself. Your son will catch your ethics like a virus. The boys in your small group will follow your example. How you handle money, conflict, and anger will very likely be how he handles money, conflict and anger.
Step one in developing character in boys is to develop character in you. My advice, become a student of Jesus. Never has the world encountered a man of character quite like Him.
CONNECT BOYS WITH EXCEPTIONAL MEN
Sadly, in our culture, many men are either overgrown boys whose closest experience with manhood is Call of Duty, or insecure men whose only tools of influence and leadership are intimidation and coercion. Because of this, boys don’t have many good role models. Every one of us wants to become a quality man but few of us have any idea how to get there. The road map has become exceedingly rare.
Men who genuinely put others first and possess the self-confidence to be who God designed them to be are hard to find. When you come across one, connect your son with him. Invite that man over for dinner or ask him if he would be willing to meet with your son a few times. It may sound like I’m being a little awkward but boys need proximity with quality men to understand that there are alternatives to what they see on TV. Quality men can help your son realize the potential of who he could become.
CREATE AND MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES
All of creation naturally slides toward chaos and brokenness. As part of creation, boys are no different. They need us to create and maintain boundaries so that they can learn character—so that they can learn the path to life. We must come to terms with the fact that boys will not develop good character on their own. His sinful nature will always push him toward what will harm him and others.
One of the keys to maintaining boundaries with boys is adjusting your approach as they grow older. At first, you decide what the boundaries are and enforce them. Most parents do pretty well when their boys are young and then practically lose their minds when their cute little boys morph into teenagers. This happens not because teenagers are the devil but rather because they are different than little children.
A good example for boys is video games. When he is young you (hopefully) keep his screen time very low. As he grows older he will probably try to negotiate the boundaries. Pull him into the conversation, talk to him about why you want to limit screen time. Let him increase it as long as his grades stay where they ought to be and his social behavior remains acceptable. Make him see that he will be responsible for his own decisions.
As parents, we must adapt our approach as our boys grow older. They need to own the boundaries as much as we do. We need to include them in on the process of creating and enforcing boundaries. Help him understand why the boundary is important and bring him into the conversation of what’s to be done when he crosses the line.
LET HIM FACE THE CONSEQUENCES
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard is that people don’t change until the pain of where they are is greater than the pain of changing. Some of my greatest character lessons have come from mistakes. These lessons hurt but I learned and matured. They were necessary for the development of my character. Looking back I wish I could have learned in a less painful way but I am grateful for lessons learned through pain and disgrace.
In my opinion, one of the worst things parents and youth workers can do for boys is bail them out of trouble every time they get into it. Letting him face the natural consequences of bad decisions is great parenting. It’s painful to watch him suffer but don’t give into the temptation to rescue him. In doing so, you will nullify one of God’s clearest principles—you reap what you sow.
