Aaron Buer – Page 23 – student ministry | leadership | parenting

The Cost of Leadership

My boss, Brian, has a saying that goes like this: “Leadership is a series of losses.” Like usual, the first time I heard him say it, I had no idea what he was talking about. But over time, I’ve come to see that he’s got a genius streak. Let me explain.

A few months I ago I received a promotion. I was given more oversight, more responsibility and new roles. Of course, getting promoted is a good thing and feels very nice. I also love the idea of providing vision and oversight to the ministry. However, I’ve learned that promotions aren’t all smiles and sunshine. In fact, I’ve been mourning this transition for a few weeks now.

You see, I’ve spent the last five years building things. Some of these things I’m very proud of. About 50 adult volunteers make our high school ministry what it is. It’s been my privilege and responsibility to recruit, train and walk with these volunteers. I was the one who interviewed them, chose their small group and helped them find their way in the early days of volunteering.

I care deeply about each one of them. We’ve walked through some heavy stuff—student and family crisis, personal loss, feelings of inadequacy, and relational conflict. I also feel a strong sense of pride in knowing that I’ve had a role in equipping them. But, it’s no longer my role to equip them. I am losing this role. It’s time to hand it over to someone else.

Over the last 3 years, I’ve built a high school to college transition program that I love. At the risk of sounding like a regular jackwagon, I’m incredibly proud of this ministry. I love it because it’s unique and effective. My greatest joy in ministry over the last 3 years has been watching graduates of our ministry thrive in college and adulthood. Knowing I’ve had even a small role in their growth is very rewarding. But, with my new position, I won’t be able to lead this program any longer. I am losing this role. It’s time to hand it over to someone else.

For the last 12 years, I have been leading worship in student ministries on a regular basis. I absolutely love playing music and drawing students into the presence of God. I can’t imagine not leading worship. And yet, it’s no longer my job to lead. I’m losing this role. It’s time to hand it over to someone else.

Please understand that I’m very happy about my promotion and I’m excited and honored to lead our high school ministry. I feel this is exactly where God wants me and I know that it’s right but I have to be honest about the cost of leadership. It’s terribly painful to build something and then hand it over to someone else and trust them to do the work. Leadership costs something.

Moving up in an organization always leads to greater leverage and lesser contact. 5 years ago I left behind the role of everyday contact with high school students. It was a painful but ultimately good transition. And now, as the leader of our high school ministry, I have been gifted with the leverage to direct the entire ministry and yet, I know I will have less contact with our students and volunteers and less contact with some of the roles and programs I have loved over the last few years.

In this way, leadership is a series of losses. I must let go of what I love and learn to empower others to take what I have built and transform it into something that is uniquely theirs. Have any of you had this experience?

Misunderstanding Love

In a decade of student ministry I’ve seen a lot of marriages. To be honest, most of them aren’t very impressive. Worse yet, many of them are on the rocks—couples staying together “for the kids” or out of religious guilt.

On top of this, we’ve all seen the statistics on divorce rates. And, speaking as a youth pastor, there isn’t much out there that is more difficult for a kid to overcome than the divorce of her parents. It doesn’t matter if she was 2 or is 19. It’s terribly disorienting and leaves scars for years to come.

Sadly, there is a whole lot of bad marriage going on in our culture and in our churches. I’m no marriage expert but I believe that the vast majority of poor marriages could be transformed into good marriages in about two weeks. Let me explain how.

FALLING IN LOVE

The funny thing about falling in love is that it just happens. That’s why they call it “falling.” It’s easy. You don’t even have to try. You just fall into it.

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. Unfortunately, most people think that the feelings associated with falling in love are what love actually is. They aren’t. In fact, love isn’t a feeling at all. It’s something you do. In the words on an old school DcTalk song, “Love is a verb.”

A NEW COMMAND

In John 13:34, Jesus issued his disciples a new directive. “A new command I give you; Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.“ Jesus wasn’t asking his followers to feel anything. He was asking them to do something. He was asking them to love in the way that He loved—sacrificially. In Ephesians 5, Paul called on husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…” Again, sacrificial love is what is being called for.

Often we hear couples on the verge of divorce say things like, “I just don’t love him anymore.” Or, “We’ve fallen out of love.” More than anything these statements are a misunderstanding of what love is. Love isn’t an emotion. Love is a choice.

FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS

One of the things I’ve learned over the 10+ years that I’ve been married is that feelings follow actions. The feelings associated with falling in love won’t always be there in marriage but they will return regularly if you do the hard work of loving your spouse even when you don’t feel like it.

The trap that many couples fall into is refusing to love each other because they don’t feel the emotions of love. This is a mistake because feelings follow actions. If you wait for the feelings to return before serving your spouse you’ll probably wait forever.

If you are newly married or ever hope to be married, my prayer for you is that you’ll understand that love is action. If you want a great marriage simply love your spouse regardless of how you feel. It’s really as simple and difficult as that. We have to be honest. Marriage is hard but it’s very rewarding.

If your marriage is in trouble and you don’t feel anything remotely close to love for your spouse I would plead with you to simply do one thing over the next two weeks. Love your spouse. What I mean is, choose to love him. Put her needs first. Decide to serve him. Take her out on a date. Love is a verb.

In the majority of cases, expressing love to one another will transform your marriage. It will breathe life into death and romance into boredom. Follow the example of Jesus and love sacrificially.

Love is an action. Instead of waiting for the emotions, simply start loving your spouse and watch what happens.

Photo Credited to lanier67

Burnout in 3 Easy Mistakes

Fresh out of college, I scored a killer job as a high school youth pastor at a church of 1,500. I went hard. I built an impressive senior high ministry. Nearly everyone in the church was happy with my work. And yet, five years later I was completely done. Toast. Burnt out. How did I do it? It really only took three mistakes…

THE ME SHOW

My church hired me to do ministry, so that’s what I did. I led worship, taught twice a week, counseled students, organized and led trips, events, and retreats and even kept the budget. Along the way, I discovered that I’m pretty good at most of these skills. Partly because it was the expectation of the church and partly because I’m a control freak, I continued to personally do everything for years.

I’m convinced that my biggest mistake was not empowering others to do the work of ministry. I was terrible at developing and equipping volunteers. My unwillingness to empower others for meaningful roles directly led to my burnout.

KEEPING BUSY

I came into ministry thinking that a full schedule of programs, events and trips was a sign of a healthy ministry. I now believe the opposite. My first student ministry consisted of three weekly programs, events twice a month, 2 retreats and 3 mission trips per year. Maybe this would have been OK if I had delegated the leadership of a few of these elements to someone else…but I didn’t. I planned, organized and led all of these things myself for 5 years.

Looking back I can’t believe I survived as long as I did. I also can’t believe that someone didn’t pull me aside and say, “Slow down buckaroo!” Either way, I kept an insane schedule for 5 years and then crashed. I’ve learned that sustainability is a key concept for longevity.

KEEP IT INSIDE

I am convinced that many youth pastors burnout and become bitter because they mishandle conflict.

There have been times in my career in which I encountered conflict—not a shocker. But here was my problem: Instead of going directly to the people that I had issues with, I took my frustrations to my “bitter bubble”. You know what I’m talking about—that safe place where you back up the dump truck of resentment and let it fly.

I felt like I was protecting work relationships and doing my church a favor by not introducing conflict but truthfully I was doing them and myself a huge disservice.

Conflict, when handled with maturity is always good. It sharpens vision and actually builds trust and confidence. Confrontation, handled well, is a gift that provides us with the opportunity to evaluate and grow.

Because I was afraid to handle conflict with confidence and maturity I became bitter—this is what happens in the bitter bubble. Over time, this led to insurmountable misunderstanding and resentment that never should have existed in the first place.

IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL

So, if you want to stay in ministry for a good long while, I have 3 tips:

Empower and delegate
Stick to a sustainable schedule
Be honest with your frustrations—do not participate in a bitter bubble!

A Dad’s Prayer

Dear Father,

May my kids never have to wonder if they are special. Please enable me to love them so thoroughly and lavishly that they never feel the need to seek love in wrong or unhealthy places. I pray that they would understand that they have been created beautiful, gifted and unique.

You have repeatedly revealed to me how influential friends can be. Please help my kids to find and choose good friends—friend who will lead them toward you instead of away. I pray that they would find great peace and joy in friendships.

I confess that I am particularly worried about boys. There are so few quality boys and men in our culture. Please bring a few good ones into my kids’ lives and protect them from the ones who would use them or lead them down destructive paths.

Wisdom is a rare commodity. Like Solomon, I ask for it but in this case, not for me but rather for my kids. May they become skilled in reading people’s intentions. Give my children the ability to foresee how decisions will impact their future and may they possess the wisdom to choose the best paths.

In the midst of a busy life full of distractions, remind and help me to engage my kids. I want to put them first. Remind me to put down my phone and leave my work at the office. May the way that I engage my kids always remind them of how valuable and important they are to me and by extension, You.

You have made each of my 4 kids incredibly unique. Teach me to become a student of my kids. I want to help them discover who You have made them to be. I want to dream for them and help them run after the purposes You have for them. Reveal to me and then to them their passions and gifts. I want nothing more than for my kids to live in that sweet spot of who You’ve made them to be combined with the mission You are pursuing in the world.

I want to pray that You would keep my kid safe, but there is something I desire much more than safety. I want their lives to matter. Build into them a passionate and reckless faith. Place a burning in their heart for injustice. May the troubles of this world break their hearts to the degree that they can’t sit by and watch. I want my kids to jump in and get messy. And yet, my father’s heart pleads with You to protect them as they battle the injustice of this world.

Lastly, I pray that You would keep me close and devoted to my wife. I desperately want a healthy family for my children. I pray that our marriage would always be a source of strength and peace for my kids. May they never have to wonder if we love each other or if we will stay together.

Your Son,

Aaron

Why Happiness Doesn’t Make You Happy

We are seriously confused about happiness. On the one hand, we have more opportunity for happiness in our society than every before. For the most part, we can have anything we want almost anytime that we want. And yet, our culture is seriously unhappy and discontent. We’re never satisfied or content–with what we have, with our relationships, with achievement, with sex, basically anything.

It’s not just adults either, over the last decade that I’ve been involved in student ministry, I’ve noticed a sharp increase in students who are either depressed or very unhappy. What’s the deal? How can we be so unhappy when we have everything we could want or need?

I think it is because we fundamentally misunderstand happiness. Popular psychology argues that happiness is attained when we get or achieve what we want. Be who you want to be. Get what you want. Do what you want. When you release yourself from pressures to conform and do your thing, then you’ll be happy. Personally, I think this is a misunderstanding of human nature. As I understand the Bible,I don’t think we shouldn’t trust our desires.

Two ancient verses from the Old Testament describe what I’m talking about:

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. (Proverbs 16:25)

Here’s a very basic interpretation: Your heart is a liar and often when something seems very right it is very wrong. In other words, contrary to popular belief, you can’t trust your gut and you shouldn’t follow your heart. To put it bluntly, what you think will make you happy will often leave you empty or worse, break your heart.

Happiness is elusive because it moves. Let me explain. The year was 2002, the Xbox had just come out and I simply had to have one. My Playstation had become utterly worthless to me. So, I bought the Xbox and it was amazing. Then, in 2005, Microsoft released the Xbox 360 and with one quick press announcement, my Xbox was dead to me. I couldn’t play games on that worthless old piece of outdated technology. I simply had to have the 360. So, I went out and bought one and it was amazing. And now, what will be released in a few short months? The Xbox One. And when I see my friends playing on it my 360 will become utterly worthless to me.

What I experienced with the Xbox applies to relationships, achievement, sex and anything else. The girl I couldn’t break up with fast enough back in 10th grade was the same girl I just had to have 3 months earlier. Happiness is elusive because it moves.

Here’s the truth: constantly trying to keep yourself happy will never lead to true happiness. You will experience flashes of happiness but then it will move. You’ll constantly be chasing something you’ll never actually achieve.

Happiness isn’t really what you’re after anyway. What you want is meaning. You want to live a life that is meaningful. Living a meaningful life unlocks joy. Unlike happiness, joy doesn’t move because it isn’t dependent on external circumstances.

The Apostle Paul used the word “joy” constantly and he lived a pretty rough life. He was beaten, imprisoned, stoned (from rocks not plants), shipwrecked and eventually murdered because he was a Jesus follower. Yet, in the midst of all this pain he repeatedly wrote of being filled with joy. How is this possible?

Paul experienced joy because he knew that he was desperately loved by his Creator and Savior. He felt joy in the midst of abuse and pain because he knew that he was pouring his life out for something that really mattered–for something deeply meaningful.

Joy is possible when you have nothing, when you are rejected, when you are hurt and even when you are dying. Joy is far superior to happiness. Stop living for happiness because happiness won’t make you happy. Give your life to something meaningful.

Introducing Our Newest LifeLine Staff

I have big news! I am so excited to announce that we have hired Kirk Bierens as our Knapp Street High School Pastor. I’m so pumped about this that I can barely contain myself. Kirk and I have been friends for years. I couldn’t be happier that he’s joining the LifeLine team.

For those of you who don’t know Kirk, I’d like to introduce you to him and share why I’m so excited that he’s joining the LifeLine team. Here you go.

FEARLESSLY FUN

Fortunately for LifeLine, Kirk never exactly grew up. When society told him to calm down, chill out and sit down in a lazy chair he went snowboarding. He’s never slowed down and is still incredibly fun. Earlier this summer, Kirk joined up as a cabin leader at Camp LifeLine and brought it strong. His cabin was named “Kung-Fu Panda” and he showed up with a 6 ft. replica. I’m pretty sure there was even a string that produced Jack Black’s voice attached to it.

After camp, when most of us were nearly in a coma, Kirk was going on about how he and his buddies were going to build a raft, float down the Grand River from Grand Rapids to Lake Michigan and then sink it in the big lake. Who is this guy?

I love that Kirk is fun. He’s got that crazy edge—He’ll do anything. I’m sort of thinking of using him as a stuntman for our LifeLine videos. I love bringing his kind of energy to the LifeLine team. I never want to get stale or boring and I’m pretty sure Kirk is incapable of either.

THE BEARD

Quite simply, you just have to fear the beard. A few months ago, Kirk and his buddies registered for a trail marathon. You have to be hard to run one of these. It’s such a manly run that they decided to forgo shaving until after the run. Respect.

GENEROSITY

As a friend, Kirk has always been incredibly generous to me and my family. A few years back, my family went through what we now call “the year of poverty.” It’s a long story but basically everything went wrong. During this year, Kirk hooked me up with a moonlighting job in his painting business. We painted a beauty school–no joke. I’d work at the church until 4 or 5 and then paint with Kirk until 2am. The thing is, I’m a terrible painter and I’m pretty sure he and his real crew had to fix my mistakes but his generosity during our time of need helped us get through a hard time.

Later that same year, he showed up at my house with a free washer and dryer that we still use. Did I mention that he’s generous?

FAMILY FIRST

I love Kirk’s family. He has one of those families that you just love to watch because their interactions are so authentic and loving. I’ve heard him talk about the uniqueness of each of his kids and how’s he’s trying to draw out each of their passions and gifting in individualized ways. He’s a great dad.

LifeLine is about family. We want to resource and inspire parents toward greatness. We recognize that we exist to partner with families. Kirk brings a lot to the table in this area. I know that he will be a great model and resource for the families of our Knapp Street Campus.

HUMILITY

Kirk is not about Kirk. I love this about him. He once wore a simple white v-neck for about 2 years straight because he felt like fashion had become too important to him. He just wants to follow Jesus, serve the church and his family and keep the spotlight on others. In fact, when he sees this post and how much I’ve highlighted his life and character, I’m pretty sure he’s going to want to fight me…privately, in a quiet place, because he wouldn’t want it to be a big deal.

CREATIVITY

I’ve already mentioned the life size Kung-Fu Panda. Kirk is an artist, and a good one. Here’s one of his paintings…yes, it’s a painting and not a photo.

I’m excited to see how Kirk’s creative gifts will influence LifeLine. And, I’m secretly hoping he’ll do a portrait of me for posterity.

NOTHING HELD BACK FROM JESUS

Kirk is one of those rare guys who is dead serious about following Jesus. He applied for this LifeLine job because he wanted to be obedient to how God was leading him. A few years ago, after a deeply impactful mission trip to China, he and his family were ready to drop everything and move to China as missionaries. And when I say ready, I mean they were inches away from moving across the globe when Molly, Kirk’s wife, became pregnant. Change of plans.

I love that Kirk doesn’t hold anything back from Jesus. Everything is in play. Here’s the truth: I want Kirk on the LifeLine team because I want my faith to look like his. I want our students to live like Kirk does. He follows Jesus passionately and recklessly. He puts his time, money, talents, possessions, passions—his everything on the table.

Welcome to the team Kirk! I’m looking forward to serving together. Our team and ministry will be better and stronger with you on board.

What I’m Reading

I’m on vacation this week so I’ve been catching up on my favorite blogs. Here’s a few posts that stuck out.

When it comes to youth culture, Walt Mueller is one of the best minds out there. If you are a parent, his Center for Parent/Youth Understanding site is a great resource. Also, I found his thoughts on the 2013 Teen Choice Awards is very insightful.

As for student ministry, Kurt Johnston at Saddleback is an absolute boss. I love what he has to say here, especially about work-ethic among youth pastors. This is something I’ve written about myself. You can check out my post here.

Lastly, this post about church phrases by Chuck Bomar is fantastic.

In Case You Thought I Was Normal…

Part of what makes Camp LifeLine so outrageously fun are the program characters. Our students love Chucky and Lucky, El Mattadore, Strawberry Sam and the rest. If you’ve never seen these videos or characters you will think we’ve lost my minds…sorry about that.

By the way, if you knew me in high school or college, I assure you that I’m just as intelligent and popular as I was.

Camp 2013 Opener from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

Camp LL 2013 | Wednesday Story from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

Camp LL 2013 | Friday Story from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

Worship Night in a Box

Year after year, our most impactful night of camp is worship night. The experience this year was the most amazing yet. We built the experience around the theme of surrender. What transpired so was powerful that I thought I’d share our script. Feel free to steal all or some of it for your own ministry.

ATMOSPHERE

We always begin our worship nights with small group time. The purpose of this time is to set the tone for the night. Instead of a countdown, explosive music and beach balls flying through the air, small groups walk in silently.

For the most part, we lit the room exclusively with candles. On a side note, it is much easier to employ minimal lighting if the band uses iPads for their chord charts. We use a mobile app from planningcenteronline.com. Check it out.

NOTES

We always attempt to keep our worship experiences at an hour or less. Always leave your students wanting more.
I usually build our worship nights around a new song that fits the theme very well. This year the theme song was Arms Open Wide. It’s cool to bookend the experience with the same song.
Our worship nights usually include a few short talks—no more than 5 minutes, several videos and an interactive element or two.

SETUP MODULE

Intro Song (as students are walking in)

Arms Open Wide (chill and without bridge)

Intro Talk

We welcomed the students to worship night and invited them to connect with God. We introduced the theme, invited everyone to experience the event as they felt comfortable and then led the group in prayer—everyone with palmed lifted upward, ready to receive whatever God had for them. It’s important to note that we gave them permission to sit, stand, sing, pray, be quiet, write, or basically whatever else would help them connect with God.

Worship

Here for You

The Lord our God

CONFESSION MODULE

Confession Video

Confession from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

Confession Letters

We spoke to our students for a few minutes about what confession is and how it unlocks our hearts toward God. We shared 1 John 1:9 and then invited each student to write their own letter of confession to God.

Worship

Instrumental during letter writing

Never Once

CROSS MODULE

Communion Video

Communion Talk

We spent 5 minutes describing what communion is and how to participate in it. We also invited students to come down and nail their letters of confession to the cross after communion.

Communion (The Wonderful Cross during)

We stationed pairs of leaders with bread and juice at stations around the crowd. We like to have students come forward to the elements. It makes the experience more interactive.

Nailing Letters of Confession to Cross (Beautiful Things during)

All Things New

SURRENDER MODULE

At this point we brought the cross, which had been in the shadows, to the forefront of the stage. It was a powerful moment as we talked about how, at the cross, all our sin has been washed away. In Christ we have a new identity. We are sons and daughters. We are no longer defined by our mistakes or what has been done to us.

Then, I read Romans 12:1-2:

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ²Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Jesus is asking for for our lives. He is looking for disciples—for partners in His kingdom work on this planet. We then brought all of our volunteer leaders to the front and invited students to surrender their lives to Jesus to and come forward to be prayed over.

Worship

Here’s My Heart Lord (During prayer time)

Arms Open Wide (full version)

No One Higher

SMALL GROUPS

After the final song we sent our students to their small groups to process and share. As always, groups are central to what we do. Middle school students, especially, need help understanding and communicating what they experienced at worship night.

So that’s it–pretty simple really. Go ahead and steal all or some of it.

Dynamite and Sledgehammers

I come from a long line of water well drillers. My family even has a picture of my Great-Great Grandfather drilling a well with a horse. Now that’s old school. I worked in the industry off and on for over 10 years and enjoyed most of it. I’ll be honest; working outside during the winter in Michigan was not my favorite. Also, I’m kind of a sissy because I was developing tendonitis of basically every joint possible. In 2003 I transitioned out of water well drilling and into student ministry. I know that I’m exactly where God wants me as a student pastor but there are some things I love and miss about drilling. The biggest thing I miss is just that…”things”. There is a huge difference between working with people and working with things. Let me explain.

When you’re repairing an old well it is perfectly acceptable and often necessary to beat the heck out of it with a sledge hammer. This is especially helpful when the repair is not going well and you need to let off some angst. With my children, we call this throwing a tantrum. Let me just say that I throw an excellent sledge hammer tantrum. I’m guessing it would be frowned upon to unleash the sledge in the church office. When you get upset in the church office you have to do something constructive like take a walk. Lame.

Secondly, dynamite. Yes, I’m being serious. Back in the day, water well drillers would regularly obliterate underground obstacles with dynamite. I cannot adequately put into words the euphoria a person experiences when touching off a half-stick of dynamite. I’m still trying to figure out a way to incorporate dynamite in student ministry…

As much as I fondly remember working with things rather than people, I’ve chosen a different path. I’m a student pastor and not a well driller. I don’t work with things. I work with people. Although I often miss wanton destruction I have to admit that for me, only student ministry stirs my soul. God has wired me in such a way that only people can bring me to tears–both out of sadness and joy. Only student ministry and more specifically, students and volunteers bring out the passion that God built into me.

I’ll always be grateful to the people who pointed me toward my life’s passion. I’ll always be thankful that God guided me to the mission He designed me for. Sometimes people drive me crazy but I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I know there are days when you want to throw in the towel. Sometimes people can break your heart or betray your trust. Maybe that happened today. In these moments, remember what it is that stirs your soul. The fact that you as upset as you are betrays how much you care. You’re right where you’re supposed to be.

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