Aaron Buer - student ministry | leadership | parenting

Burnout in 3 Easy Mistakes

Fresh out of college, I scored a killer job as a high school youth pastor at a church of 1,500. I went hard. I built an impressive senior high ministry. Nearly everyone in the church was happy with my work. And yet, five years later I was completely done. Toast. Burnt out. How did I do it? It really only took three mistakes…

THE ME SHOW

My church hired me to do ministry, so that’s what I did. I led worship, taught twice a week, counseled students, organized and led trips, events, and retreats and even kept the budget. Along the way, I discovered that I’m pretty good at most of these skills. Partly because it was the expectation of the church and partly because I’m a control freak, I continued to personally do everything for years.

I’m convinced that my biggest mistake was not empowering others to do the work of ministry. I was terrible at developing and equipping volunteers. My unwillingness to empower others for meaningful roles directly led to my burnout.

KEEPING BUSY

I came into ministry thinking that a full schedule of programs, events and trips was a sign of a healthy ministry. I now believe the opposite. My first student ministry consisted of three weekly programs, events twice a month, 2 retreats and 3 mission trips per year. Maybe this would have been OK if I had delegated the leadership of a few of these elements to someone else…but I didn’t. I planned, organized and led all of these things myself for 5 years.

Looking back I can’t believe I survived as long as I did. I also can’t believe that someone didn’t pull me aside and say, “Slow down buckaroo!” Either way, I kept an insane schedule for 5 years and then crashed. I’ve learned that sustainability is a key concept for longevity.

KEEP IT INSIDE

I am convinced that many youth pastors burnout and become bitter because they mishandle conflict.

There have been times in my career in which I encountered conflict—not a shocker. But here was my problem: Instead of going directly to the people that I had issues with, I took my frustrations to my “bitter bubble”. You know what I’m talking about—that safe place where you back up the dump truck of resentment and let it fly.

I felt like I was protecting work relationships and doing my church a favor by not introducing conflict but truthfully I was doing them and myself a huge disservice.

Conflict, when handled with maturity is always good. It sharpens vision and actually builds trust and confidence. Confrontation, handled well, is a gift that provides us with the opportunity to evaluate and grow.

Because I was afraid to handle conflict with confidence and maturity I became bitter—this is what happens in the bitter bubble. Over time, this led to insurmountable misunderstanding and resentment that never should have existed in the first place.

IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL

So, if you want to stay in ministry for a good long while, I have 3 tips:

Empower and delegate
Stick to a sustainable schedule
Be honest with your frustrations—do not participate in a bitter bubble!

A Dad’s Prayer

Dear Father,

May my kids never have to wonder if they are special. Please enable me to love them so thoroughly and lavishly that they never feel the need to seek love in wrong or unhealthy places. I pray that they would understand that they have been created beautiful, gifted and unique.

You have repeatedly revealed to me how influential friends can be. Please help my kids to find and choose good friends—friend who will lead them toward you instead of away. I pray that they would find great peace and joy in friendships.

I confess that I am particularly worried about boys. There are so few quality boys and men in our culture. Please bring a few good ones into my kids’ lives and protect them from the ones who would use them or lead them down destructive paths.

Wisdom is a rare commodity. Like Solomon, I ask for it but in this case, not for me but rather for my kids. May they become skilled in reading people’s intentions. Give my children the ability to foresee how decisions will impact their future and may they possess the wisdom to choose the best paths.

In the midst of a busy life full of distractions, remind and help me to engage my kids. I want to put them first. Remind me to put down my phone and leave my work at the office. May the way that I engage my kids always remind them of how valuable and important they are to me and by extension, You.

You have made each of my 4 kids incredibly unique. Teach me to become a student of my kids. I want to help them discover who You have made them to be. I want to dream for them and help them run after the purposes You have for them. Reveal to me and then to them their passions and gifts. I want nothing more than for my kids to live in that sweet spot of who You’ve made them to be combined with the mission You are pursuing in the world.

I want to pray that You would keep my kid safe, but there is something I desire much more than safety. I want their lives to matter. Build into them a passionate and reckless faith. Place a burning in their heart for injustice. May the troubles of this world break their hearts to the degree that they can’t sit by and watch. I want my kids to jump in and get messy. And yet, my father’s heart pleads with You to protect them as they battle the injustice of this world.

Lastly, I pray that You would keep me close and devoted to my wife. I desperately want a healthy family for my children. I pray that our marriage would always be a source of strength and peace for my kids. May they never have to wonder if we love each other or if we will stay together.

Your Son,

Aaron

Why Happiness Doesn’t Make You Happy

We are seriously confused about happiness. On the one hand, we have more opportunity for happiness in our society than every before. For the most part, we can have anything we want almost anytime that we want. And yet, our culture is seriously unhappy and discontent. We’re never satisfied or content–with what we have, with our relationships, with achievement, with sex, basically anything.

It’s not just adults either, over the last decade that I’ve been involved in student ministry, I’ve noticed a sharp increase in students who are either depressed or very unhappy. What’s the deal? How can we be so unhappy when we have everything we could want or need?

I think it is because we fundamentally misunderstand happiness. Popular psychology argues that happiness is attained when we get or achieve what we want. Be who you want to be. Get what you want. Do what you want. When you release yourself from pressures to conform and do your thing, then you’ll be happy. Personally, I think this is a misunderstanding of human nature. As I understand the Bible,I don’t think we shouldn’t trust our desires.

Two ancient verses from the Old Testament describe what I’m talking about:

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. (Proverbs 16:25)

Here’s a very basic interpretation: Your heart is a liar and often when something seems very right it is very wrong. In other words, contrary to popular belief, you can’t trust your gut and you shouldn’t follow your heart. To put it bluntly, what you think will make you happy will often leave you empty or worse, break your heart.

Happiness is elusive because it moves. Let me explain. The year was 2002, the Xbox had just come out and I simply had to have one. My Playstation had become utterly worthless to me. So, I bought the Xbox and it was amazing. Then, in 2005, Microsoft released the Xbox 360 and with one quick press announcement, my Xbox was dead to me. I couldn’t play games on that worthless old piece of outdated technology. I simply had to have the 360. So, I went out and bought one and it was amazing. And now, what will be released in a few short months? The Xbox One. And when I see my friends playing on it my 360 will become utterly worthless to me.

What I experienced with the Xbox applies to relationships, achievement, sex and anything else. The girl I couldn’t break up with fast enough back in 10th grade was the same girl I just had to have 3 months earlier. Happiness is elusive because it moves.

Here’s the truth: constantly trying to keep yourself happy will never lead to true happiness. You will experience flashes of happiness but then it will move. You’ll constantly be chasing something you’ll never actually achieve.

Happiness isn’t really what you’re after anyway. What you want is meaning. You want to live a life that is meaningful. Living a meaningful life unlocks joy. Unlike happiness, joy doesn’t move because it isn’t dependent on external circumstances.

The Apostle Paul used the word “joy” constantly and he lived a pretty rough life. He was beaten, imprisoned, stoned (from rocks not plants), shipwrecked and eventually murdered because he was a Jesus follower. Yet, in the midst of all this pain he repeatedly wrote of being filled with joy. How is this possible?

Paul experienced joy because he knew that he was desperately loved by his Creator and Savior. He felt joy in the midst of abuse and pain because he knew that he was pouring his life out for something that really mattered–for something deeply meaningful.

Joy is possible when you have nothing, when you are rejected, when you are hurt and even when you are dying. Joy is far superior to happiness. Stop living for happiness because happiness won’t make you happy. Give your life to something meaningful.

Introducing Our Newest LifeLine Staff

I have big news! I am so excited to announce that we have hired Kirk Bierens as our Knapp Street High School Pastor. I’m so pumped about this that I can barely contain myself. Kirk and I have been friends for years. I couldn’t be happier that he’s joining the LifeLine team.

For those of you who don’t know Kirk, I’d like to introduce you to him and share why I’m so excited that he’s joining the LifeLine team. Here you go.

FEARLESSLY FUN

Fortunately for LifeLine, Kirk never exactly grew up. When society told him to calm down, chill out and sit down in a lazy chair he went snowboarding. He’s never slowed down and is still incredibly fun. Earlier this summer, Kirk joined up as a cabin leader at Camp LifeLine and brought it strong. His cabin was named “Kung-Fu Panda” and he showed up with a 6 ft. replica. I’m pretty sure there was even a string that produced Jack Black’s voice attached to it.

After camp, when most of us were nearly in a coma, Kirk was going on about how he and his buddies were going to build a raft, float down the Grand River from Grand Rapids to Lake Michigan and then sink it in the big lake. Who is this guy?

I love that Kirk is fun. He’s got that crazy edge—He’ll do anything. I’m sort of thinking of using him as a stuntman for our LifeLine videos. I love bringing his kind of energy to the LifeLine team. I never want to get stale or boring and I’m pretty sure Kirk is incapable of either.

THE BEARD

Quite simply, you just have to fear the beard. A few months ago, Kirk and his buddies registered for a trail marathon. You have to be hard to run one of these. It’s such a manly run that they decided to forgo shaving until after the run. Respect.

GENEROSITY

As a friend, Kirk has always been incredibly generous to me and my family. A few years back, my family went through what we now call “the year of poverty.” It’s a long story but basically everything went wrong. During this year, Kirk hooked me up with a moonlighting job in his painting business. We painted a beauty school–no joke. I’d work at the church until 4 or 5 and then paint with Kirk until 2am. The thing is, I’m a terrible painter and I’m pretty sure he and his real crew had to fix my mistakes but his generosity during our time of need helped us get through a hard time.

Later that same year, he showed up at my house with a free washer and dryer that we still use. Did I mention that he’s generous?

FAMILY FIRST

I love Kirk’s family. He has one of those families that you just love to watch because their interactions are so authentic and loving. I’ve heard him talk about the uniqueness of each of his kids and how’s he’s trying to draw out each of their passions and gifting in individualized ways. He’s a great dad.

LifeLine is about family. We want to resource and inspire parents toward greatness. We recognize that we exist to partner with families. Kirk brings a lot to the table in this area. I know that he will be a great model and resource for the families of our Knapp Street Campus.

HUMILITY

Kirk is not about Kirk. I love this about him. He once wore a simple white v-neck for about 2 years straight because he felt like fashion had become too important to him. He just wants to follow Jesus, serve the church and his family and keep the spotlight on others. In fact, when he sees this post and how much I’ve highlighted his life and character, I’m pretty sure he’s going to want to fight me…privately, in a quiet place, because he wouldn’t want it to be a big deal.

CREATIVITY

I’ve already mentioned the life size Kung-Fu Panda. Kirk is an artist, and a good one. Here’s one of his paintings…yes, it’s a painting and not a photo.

I’m excited to see how Kirk’s creative gifts will influence LifeLine. And, I’m secretly hoping he’ll do a portrait of me for posterity.

NOTHING HELD BACK FROM JESUS

Kirk is one of those rare guys who is dead serious about following Jesus. He applied for this LifeLine job because he wanted to be obedient to how God was leading him. A few years ago, after a deeply impactful mission trip to China, he and his family were ready to drop everything and move to China as missionaries. And when I say ready, I mean they were inches away from moving across the globe when Molly, Kirk’s wife, became pregnant. Change of plans.

I love that Kirk doesn’t hold anything back from Jesus. Everything is in play. Here’s the truth: I want Kirk on the LifeLine team because I want my faith to look like his. I want our students to live like Kirk does. He follows Jesus passionately and recklessly. He puts his time, money, talents, possessions, passions—his everything on the table.

Welcome to the team Kirk! I’m looking forward to serving together. Our team and ministry will be better and stronger with you on board.

What I’m Reading

I’m on vacation this week so I’ve been catching up on my favorite blogs. Here’s a few posts that stuck out.

When it comes to youth culture, Walt Mueller is one of the best minds out there. If you are a parent, his Center for Parent/Youth Understanding site is a great resource. Also, I found his thoughts on the 2013 Teen Choice Awards is very insightful.

As for student ministry, Kurt Johnston at Saddleback is an absolute boss. I love what he has to say here, especially about work-ethic among youth pastors. This is something I’ve written about myself. You can check out my post here.

Lastly, this post about church phrases by Chuck Bomar is fantastic.

In Case You Thought I Was Normal…

Part of what makes Camp LifeLine so outrageously fun are the program characters. Our students love Chucky and Lucky, El Mattadore, Strawberry Sam and the rest. If you’ve never seen these videos or characters you will think we’ve lost my minds…sorry about that.

By the way, if you knew me in high school or college, I assure you that I’m just as intelligent and popular as I was.

Camp 2013 Opener from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

Camp LL 2013 | Wednesday Story from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

Camp LL 2013 | Friday Story from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

Worship Night in a Box

Year after year, our most impactful night of camp is worship night. The experience this year was the most amazing yet. We built the experience around the theme of surrender. What transpired so was powerful that I thought I’d share our script. Feel free to steal all or some of it for your own ministry.

ATMOSPHERE

We always begin our worship nights with small group time. The purpose of this time is to set the tone for the night. Instead of a countdown, explosive music and beach balls flying through the air, small groups walk in silently.

For the most part, we lit the room exclusively with candles. On a side note, it is much easier to employ minimal lighting if the band uses iPads for their chord charts. We use a mobile app from planningcenteronline.com. Check it out.

NOTES

We always attempt to keep our worship experiences at an hour or less. Always leave your students wanting more.
I usually build our worship nights around a new song that fits the theme very well. This year the theme song was Arms Open Wide. It’s cool to bookend the experience with the same song.
Our worship nights usually include a few short talks—no more than 5 minutes, several videos and an interactive element or two.

SETUP MODULE

Intro Song (as students are walking in)

Arms Open Wide (chill and without bridge)

Intro Talk

We welcomed the students to worship night and invited them to connect with God. We introduced the theme, invited everyone to experience the event as they felt comfortable and then led the group in prayer—everyone with palmed lifted upward, ready to receive whatever God had for them. It’s important to note that we gave them permission to sit, stand, sing, pray, be quiet, write, or basically whatever else would help them connect with God.

Worship

Here for You

The Lord our God

CONFESSION MODULE

Confession Video

Confession from LifeLine Student Ministries on Vimeo.

Confession Letters

We spoke to our students for a few minutes about what confession is and how it unlocks our hearts toward God. We shared 1 John 1:9 and then invited each student to write their own letter of confession to God.

Worship

Instrumental during letter writing

Never Once

CROSS MODULE

Communion Video

Communion Talk

We spent 5 minutes describing what communion is and how to participate in it. We also invited students to come down and nail their letters of confession to the cross after communion.

Communion (The Wonderful Cross during)

We stationed pairs of leaders with bread and juice at stations around the crowd. We like to have students come forward to the elements. It makes the experience more interactive.

Nailing Letters of Confession to Cross (Beautiful Things during)

All Things New

SURRENDER MODULE

At this point we brought the cross, which had been in the shadows, to the forefront of the stage. It was a powerful moment as we talked about how, at the cross, all our sin has been washed away. In Christ we have a new identity. We are sons and daughters. We are no longer defined by our mistakes or what has been done to us.

Then, I read Romans 12:1-2:

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ²Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Jesus is asking for for our lives. He is looking for disciples—for partners in His kingdom work on this planet. We then brought all of our volunteer leaders to the front and invited students to surrender their lives to Jesus to and come forward to be prayed over.

Worship

Here’s My Heart Lord (During prayer time)

Arms Open Wide (full version)

No One Higher

SMALL GROUPS

After the final song we sent our students to their small groups to process and share. As always, groups are central to what we do. Middle school students, especially, need help understanding and communicating what they experienced at worship night.

So that’s it–pretty simple really. Go ahead and steal all or some of it.

Dynamite and Sledgehammers

I come from a long line of water well drillers. My family even has a picture of my Great-Great Grandfather drilling a well with a horse. Now that’s old school. I worked in the industry off and on for over 10 years and enjoyed most of it. I’ll be honest; working outside during the winter in Michigan was not my favorite. Also, I’m kind of a sissy because I was developing tendonitis of basically every joint possible. In 2003 I transitioned out of water well drilling and into student ministry. I know that I’m exactly where God wants me as a student pastor but there are some things I love and miss about drilling. The biggest thing I miss is just that…”things”. There is a huge difference between working with people and working with things. Let me explain.

When you’re repairing an old well it is perfectly acceptable and often necessary to beat the heck out of it with a sledge hammer. This is especially helpful when the repair is not going well and you need to let off some angst. With my children, we call this throwing a tantrum. Let me just say that I throw an excellent sledge hammer tantrum. I’m guessing it would be frowned upon to unleash the sledge in the church office. When you get upset in the church office you have to do something constructive like take a walk. Lame.

Secondly, dynamite. Yes, I’m being serious. Back in the day, water well drillers would regularly obliterate underground obstacles with dynamite. I cannot adequately put into words the euphoria a person experiences when touching off a half-stick of dynamite. I’m still trying to figure out a way to incorporate dynamite in student ministry…

As much as I fondly remember working with things rather than people, I’ve chosen a different path. I’m a student pastor and not a well driller. I don’t work with things. I work with people. Although I often miss wanton destruction I have to admit that for me, only student ministry stirs my soul. God has wired me in such a way that only people can bring me to tears–both out of sadness and joy. Only student ministry and more specifically, students and volunteers bring out the passion that God built into me.

I’ll always be grateful to the people who pointed me toward my life’s passion. I’ll always be thankful that God guided me to the mission He designed me for. Sometimes people drive me crazy but I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I know there are days when you want to throw in the towel. Sometimes people can break your heart or betray your trust. Maybe that happened today. In these moments, remember what it is that stirs your soul. The fact that you as upset as you are betrays how much you care. You’re right where you’re supposed to be.

Advice to College Freshmen

For the last 3 years, a major portion of my job has been helping seniors in high school transition well into college and adulthood. Over the course of their senior year we talked through just about every topic out there. Now, they are leaving or have already left for the next phase of their lives. Here’s a compilation of what we’ve talked about and my parting advice:

1. Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future

It’s a guarantee that people become almost exactly like their friends in terms of what they are into and what their values are. Be incredibly picky about who you choose as close friends.

2. You’ll never be more loved than you are right now

The designer of the universe created you exactly how He wants you to be. He really likes who you are and loved you enough to sacrifice His own life to bring you back into relationship. If these things are true, no boy, girl, party, grade, friend, job, car, dress, video game or sex could ever make you more loved than you are right now. Know who you are and live out of that identity.

3. Facebook is the new resume

Everything you post on your social media accounts is permanent and yes, employers will look at your Facebook when considering you for a job. I know because I’ve done it myself. Be wise.

4. You only get one body

Alcohol and tobacco, when used excessively, will hurt your body. And drugs? Well, they’ll make you look like the emperor from Star Wars. You only get one body. Take care of it. Eat well, exercise and get rest. Your body is an amazing gift. You don’t want to mess it up. You have to live in it for like 80 more years.

5. You’re either growing closer or more distant with God

I believe that all relationships are either growing closer or more distant. Time spent together, meaningful conversations and serving each other lead to closeness. Ignoring the other person leads to distance. There is no middle ground. I believe that our relationship with God is the same way. Pursue Him and make space for Him in your new schedule.

6. You’ll marry someone that you date

Whatever dating was for you in high school, those days are over. Dating is a different game in college. It has greater consequences—good and bad. The thing is, you’ll marry someone you date. Unless, of course, your parents are hooking you up with an arranged marriage. If this is true we should probably talk.

Anyway, someday you’ll probably be married. Before that you’ll be engaged and before that you’ll be dating. My advice: only date people you’d consider marrying.

7. Direction, not intention, determines your destination (The Principle of the Path, Andy Stanley)

Life is a path. The choices you make today will directly affect your future. There are no shortcuts in life and wishful thinking won’t help you. If you want financial freedom as a young adult then don’t rack up debt on your credit card. If you want a close and happy marriage in ten years then don’t sleep around with random people. Direction, not intention, determines your destination.

8. Life is found at the intersection of your gifts, passions and God’s mission

God is on a mission. He’s saving lives both now and for eternity. He wants to partner with you. You were made for this. He wired you and gifted you for a specific purpose. Meaningful life is found when your gifts and passions intersect with God’s mission in the world. Do the hard work of figuring out who God has made you to be, pay attention to what God is doing around you, and dive in!

9. Your Parents are smarter than you

College will bring irreversible change to your relationship with your parents. However, this doesn’t mean you should stop listening to them. Your parents have at least double the life experience you do. They understand how life works. Wise people treat their parents with respect and listen to their advice. Sure, there will be times that they don’t understand and even time when they are wrong but please remember that when it comes to life—your parents are smarter than you.

10. Debt destroys future possibilities

I have friends who want to be youth pastors, become missionaries, have children, buy a house, travel or get married but they can’t. They can’t because they can’t afford it. They’re drowning in debt—school loans and credit cards.

Debt destroys future options. It takes away possibilities and can keep you from your dreams. Be very careful with debt.

To my class of 2013: I love you guys and I’m gonna miss you. I wish you the very best and we at LifeLine will always be in your corner. Stay connected with your leader and above all else, keep pursuing Jesus.

photo credited to Tax Credits

5 Things Your Volunteers Are Asking

I don’t care how gifted, relational or vision minded you are as a youth pastor, you can only effectively shepherd 5 or 6 students. If your ministry is bigger than six, volunteers are a necessity. The more effectively your volunteers serve, the more effective your ministry will be. As we approach the fall season, there are 5 things our volunteers will be asking. Answer these questions well and your volunteers will have a fantastic experience.

HOW DO I DO THIS?

Most people want to do good work. Volunteers wouldn’t be volunteering unless they cared deeply about the ministry. The trouble is that we don’t often provide volunteers with the tools to do ministry effectively. Providing your volunteers with constant training is important. In our ministry, we start every large group program with 30 minutes of volunteer training.

Secondly, provide your volunteers with clear expectations. In the absence of clarity, people come up with their own expectations. You won’t always be happy with what they come up with. Make it clear and equip them for the work and then sit back and watch the magic.

HOW AM I DOING?

A lack of feedback drives people mad. “Does she like me?” “Did I pass the test?” “Is my spinach casserole tasty?” It’s no different with volunteering. People want to know if they are doing a good job or not. And, in the absence of feedback a new volunteer will almost always feel like they are bombing. It’s important that ministry leaders see and praise good work. On the flip side, if a volunteer isn’t doing a good job, gently tell him. Most of the time, the issue is a lack of clarity on expectations.

DO I MATTER?

We all have a revolutionary streak. We all want to belong to something big and meaningful. Thankfully, kingdom work is incredibly compelling. Share stories of why your volunteers matter. Highlight the wins. Paint a picture of what a caring adult can do in the life of a lonely teenager. Stories are fuel for volunteers. And, volunteers who deeply believe in the mission of the ministry and the importance of their role in it will likely stick around for years.

HOW DO I HANDLE THIS?

Crisis situations can be terrifying for a volunteer (and staff!). “She is cutting. What do I do?” “He’s addicted to porn and his parents don’t know.” “She says that her dad hits her.”

The best thing you can do for a volunteer is help her understand the process of how your ministry handles these situations. And, it needs to be in advance. Make this process very clear. Help your volunteers understand what they are legally responsible for in terms of mandatory reporting. The more you communicate these things in advance the more at ease your volunteers will feel.

Secondly, make sure they understand that they are not alone. Staff should take lead on crisis situations as soon as possible. Don’t leave difficult conversations with parents and calls to CPS to your volunteers.

ARE YOU LISTENING?

Every person had a deep inner need to feel significant. There is one simple test to determine if someone values you as a person—do they listen to you?

Your volunteers will naturally develop opinions about the ministry and their experiences. If they don’t they aren’t truly engaged in the ministry. The way in which you listen to them will tell them very clearly whether or not you value them. Volunteers who don’t feel valued will not stick around for long. However, volunteers who feel significant will likely plug in for years.

Listen to your volunteers. Provide simple ways for them to provide feedback. Survey Monkey is one of our favorites. Also, regular talks over coffee are a key ingredient to our care strategy.

Volunteers are crucial to student ministry. Great ministries have great volunteers and a lot of them. Equipping and keeping great volunteers isn’t rocket science but it does take intentionality and hard work. These are the 5 questions I believe volunteers are asking. Feel free to add a sixth if you think I’m missing one.

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