Tag: parents

Parenting Through The Porn Minefield

I believe that pornography is  the greatest challenge facing parents in our culture.  Boys and girls of younger and younger ages are developing dangerous addictions to pornography.  I ran across an article recently that describes specific situations of tween age porn addictions.  It’s hard to read but if you are a parent you really should.  Porn addictions are far more prevalent than we want to admit.

Jamie is 13 and hasn’t even kissed a girl.  But he’s now on the Sex Offender Register…

Now that you are sufficiently terrified, here are three strategies to help win this battle in the hearts of your children.

 

1.  Keep Screen Public

I think this is one of the greatest mistakes parents make.  Do not allow your kids to keep devices that can access the Internet in their bedrooms.  And yes, I’m even talking about cell phones and iPads.  Porn addiction is a massive problem for an adult but especially devastating for a kid.  In the words of John Woods, “For many young boys, this [porn] means their first sexual experience is not a nervously negotiated request for a dance from a girl at the end of the school disco. It is watching  grotesquely degrading images of women, all too often mixed in with violent abuse.”

This reality is tragic because it is often avoidable.  Keep screens in a public place in your home.  The Internet is dangerous and kids are curious.  As parents we need to protect them.

2.  Get in the First Word

People often ask when we they should talk to their kids about sex and porn.  My answer is that you want to get in the first word.  You want to be the one who starts the conversation–not a friend from school, a health class teacher or far worse, a website.  Sure it’s going to be awkward but it will be awkward in a safe way.  We need to embrace awkward!

I would recommend talking to your kid about the dangers of the Internet in early elementary school and then gradually talking about more and more as your child progresses through elementary school.  Middle school is too late.  By that point you have lost the advantage of the first word.

You don’t need to be overly graphic with little kids.  I tell my 2nd grader that the Internet isn’t safe.  There are pictures and videos on there that can hurt your mind.  I also tell him that if he ever sees an image that makes him feel dirty or something he knows he shouldn’t have seen, that I want him to tell me and that he won’t be in trouble.  A key strategy is to pave the way for honesty by removing the need for shame.

 

3.  Get in More Words

I also strongly believe that “the sex talk” is the wrong approach.  Instead of one conversation, I would argue for 1,000 conversations.  Someday I’m going to write a really weird book that doesn’t sell called “1,000 Sex Conversations.”  Actually, no.

The sex talk approach is like dumping a semi-truck size load of intense grossness on a terrified kid.  There’s too much information all at once.  If you’re like me you just remember being completely grossed out and overwhelmed.  There’s so much information that you don’t even know what questions to ask. All you know is that you’re never, ever going to do that!  Or, if you wait too long for the sex talk, which I would argue happens most of the time, your kid will just be bored and think you’re out of touch.

i’m not saying to skip the sex talk because it’s absolutely necessary.  Just don’t have it come out of nowhere.  A better approach is 1,000 conversations about sex with one of them being the talk on the mechanics of sex.  Gradually reveal what sex is to your children and then don’t stop talking about it.  As tweens and teenagers your students will be bombarded with information on sex.  Most of it will be misunderstandings and lies.  Culture is teaching us.  Media moguls have an agenda.  Our society is incredibly open about sexuality and so we have no choice but to do the same.

We as parents need to realize that we are competing for the hearts and minds of our children.  We need to constantly talk about sexuality and it shouldn’t be all “no, no, no!”  We need to recapture the beauty of sex.  I often tell our students, “Look, this was God’s idea.  He invented sex.  It’s amazing and awesome.  It’s not dirty.  It’s beautiful.”

And then, we need to constantly reinforce the boundaries God has established.  And, if we can’t sufficiently explain the “why” of the boundaries, we shouldn’t expect our kids to buy what we’re selling.  It’s the same as the “because I said so” argument that didn’t work when they were 5.

 

So, get that screen out of his room, get in the first word and many more after that.  And if you think you’re too late, you’re not!  Just dive in and be awkward now.  If you have any other genius ideas, I’d love to hear them.

 

 

image credited to H Berend via http://www.sxc.hu/

Salsa Dancing and Pain

In my early 20s I was under the illusion that parenting would be easy.  You feed them, change them and put them to bed.  Game over.  I was ready to start a family about 6 weeks after my wedding.  Thankfully my wife being far more sensible, convinced me to wait for a few years.  Parenting, as it turns out has been astronomically difficult.  No other role in my life has so dramatically attacked my inherent selfishness.  I learn new things about myself and what it means to be human nearly every day.  For example, I recently learned that my kids are vastly different from each other.  I was sort of under the impression that parenting one kid would be remarkably like parenting another.  How wrong I was.  For the sake of illustration, let’s talk about how each of my kids handles pain.

My oldest son is easiest for me to understand because he’s like me.  He cares immensely about what people think of him.  When he gets hurt he’s going to play tough because he’s concerned about your impression of his ability to handle pain.  Just the other day he was doing an impersonation of El Macho’s salsa dancing from Despicable Me 2 (a scene worthy of another blog post) when he bashed his shoulder into the kitchen counter.  He hesitated but carried out his salsa maneuvers like a champ.  When it comes to pain, my oldest is going to play tough.  In responding to his pain it’s best to tell him how tough he is and sort of move on.

My oldest daughter could not be more opposite.  For her, there is no way to tell the difference between a stubbed toe and a severed leg.  The screaming will be the same in each situation.  She is dramatic and emotional to degrees I’ve never ever heard of.  The best way I’ve found to respond to her is to simply hold her for a very long time and then we’ll still probably have to talk about what happened for hours…girls.

My youngest son is very peculiar in his approach to pain.  The kids and I will be wrestling in the living room and I’ll look around for him and he’ll be gone.  Somehow, in the midst of pillow projectiles and children being catapulted onto various couches, Jack got “bonked” on the head and disappeared behind the couch.  Though he’s hiding, he isn’t crying and if you try to pick him up for a hug him he will yell and squirm.  When hurt he doesn’t want to be noticed or coddled.  He wants space.  He’s rather like me at my birthday dinner.  If a waitress so much as sings a note of “Happy Birthday” she will get a french fry to the eye.

My youngest daughter is a fireball.  Although only 1 she has her own way of handling pain.  Just yesterday she tried to kiss her baby doll and the plastic face was a little too hard on the lips so she screamed and launched the baby across the room.  When hurt, my daughter is likely to punch you, bite you or throw something at you.  It doesn’t matter if it was your fault or not.  She’s like a hornet’s nest.  The closest person is gonna get it!

So there you have it.  4 kids with 4 entirely different approaches to handling pain.  And this is just one issue.  As it turns out parenting one kid is rather unlike parenting another.  It’s not easy and it takes far more strategy than I originally supposed.  I’m learning that I must customize my approach to each of my kids.  And yet, I love it.  Each one of them is a unique mystery full of possibility, challenge and promise.  I can’t wait to see how each of their individualism emerges to tackle the world.

 

image credited to whatumean

What Your Kid Needs From You in College

So how do you parent a college student?  While every child is wired differently I’d love to share a little about my college transition experience, and share some advice on what worked for me and others around me.

 

 LET THEM BE

With the freshman year transition, immediate physical separation from my parents did a lot of good. As counter intuitive as it may sound, I noticed that the less my parents were physically present, the more I grew into my own skin.

In high school, your parents are kind of “always there”, and therefore a link to the life you need to transition away from. In my belief, it was good for me to cut myself off from my home; it also forced me to rely on The Lord and His strength, and not my own. My relationship with Him grew so much more when I only had His presence and promises to lean on.

Now, I’m not saying “PARENTS DON’T TALK OR BE WITH YOUR KIDS EVER, YOU’RE STUNTING THEIR GROWTH!”  Believe me, your kids will need to talk. A lot. I couldn’t even tell you how much time I spent on the phone with my mom.  That’s definitely needed. But, it should stop at that: advice and wisdom.

Additionally, encourage them to not come home as often. Again, I don’t mean to sound harsh, but establishing a presence on their campus does WORLDS of good for them. It allows them to make their school their new home, and also allows their own individual life to be established, instead of constantly having their adolescent life being fed into their present reality. Staying at school on the weekends, although hard sometimes, allowed me to develop new relationships, get to know my surroundings better, find a new home church, and just simply establish my roots. And I’m so glad I did.

 

STAY THE COURSE

My first semester of college was awful. Really awful. I didn’t want to be at the school I was at, I was homesick and terrified of becoming an adult. I love my school now and it had truly become home but at the time I was really struggling. However, the best thing that my parents did during those times was to remind me of God’s faithfulness.  The Lord had provided in so many ridiculously amazing ways for us to even afford college and He would see me through.

My parents did the wise thing and redirected my focus away from my emotions and toward the logistics of how God had shown Himself real and present.  A quote that got me through a lot: “When you cannot trace God’s hand, you can trust His heart.” (Charles Spurgeon)

 

 THE SHIFTING OF ROLES

I found that my relationship with my parents grew tremendously when I went off to college.  Our relationship transformed from one based on authority to one based on friendship and shared experience.

And the beautiful thing is that through college, I began to see my parents as wise adults who have been in my shoes before. Yes, my parents were my age at one time and learned the same exact things I did. That mutuality is absolutely priceless. Embrace that transition. It’s beautiful.

 

 LISTEN

As I said earlier—college freshman need to talk things out. Talking helped ease the stress that I was feeling—and parents who were willing to listen made all the difference.  This doesn’t mean you towards “fix” the problems.  Sometimes just having somebody to talk to makes all the difference. These conversations further cultivated our relationship. Don’t shrug off the times that your child wants to talk. Those times mean the world to us.

 

LOVE AGGRESSIVELY

Despite what I’ve suggested about transitioning away from home, please continue to show your kids that you love them. Some of the best moments in my college career were when I had this feeling of “Man, I’m growing into my own person. I’m becoming Spencer Penfield,” and then that afternoon I received a letter from my mom just saying that she loves me. Or a random phone call from my dad asking how my day was going. That combination made me feel like I could do anything

Finding ways to show your child how much you’re rooting for them, how much you love them, and how much you think what they’re doing is great- that’s what gets us by. Being separate, but continuing to love and encourage, that’s what it feels like to grow up.

So, whatever stage of the transition process you may be in and however frustrated or great you feel, rest in this truth:  transitions are meant to bring us to a spot where we have to put everything into the Lord’s hands. It is through these times that we are given the beautiful opportunity to surrender to the One who is constantly working something in us. And that is a beautiful truth to rest in.

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Guest Blogger:  Spencer Penfield will be graduating with a major in Strategic Communication, and a minor in International Business from Cornerstone University this spring. There, he is the Marketing Intern where he helps manage the University’s social media. Spencer is an aspiring photographer, writer, dreamer, and storyteller. You can see his work www.facebook.com/spencerpenfieldphotography or www.spencerpenfield.com

 

Image Credited to Paul Stainthorp

 

How to Parent a College Freshman

5 minutes ago you were changing their diaper and rocking them to sleep.  Now, they are visiting colleges or already working toward their college degree.  Time flies.

As a parent, the game changes when your child begins college.  Your kids still need you but they need you in different ways.  You must learn to adapt.

 

DISORIENTED

For a student, the first semester of college is incredibly disorienting.  Everything is new and unfamiliar.  What used to be automatic is now complicated.  What used to be done for you is now your responsibility.  The workload is impossible.  The social scene is foreign.  The temptations are new and the churches are weird.  The first semester of college might as well be Mars.

College freshman feel lost between two worlds.  A few months ago they were kids.  Mom did their laundry and made their meals.  They aren’t quite adults either.  They can still sleep in until noon and play video games all night.  Nevertheless they feel lost and it will be a very long time until a college student truly feels like a “real” adult.

Because of this, college freshmen will fluctuate between moments of impressive maturity and forehead slapping immaturity.  It’s the nature of the transition.  This sort of thing doesn’t happen overnight.  There will be crashes, tears, triumphs and setbacks.

 

NEW ROLES

College can be as confusing for parents as it is for students.  What exactly is your role now?  The signals are confusing.  She calls me crying.  He wants money.  She screams, “This is my life!”  He has a new girlfriend who I’ve never even met.

I believe that college students want and need their parents more than they often let on.  The support they want and need looks different than it did when they lived at home but it is crucial nonetheless.  Here’s my advice on how to parent a college freshman…

1.      A Retreat

Nearly everything about college is foreign and new.  It’s all a bit too unsettling and disorienting.  In the midst of this, home holds within it everything that is familiar and comfortable.  A weekend at home can reorient and recharge.

Many parents quickly transform their college student’s room into an office or spare bedroom.  Please don’t do this.  You’re taking away your son or daughter’s retreat to the familiar.  Even simply knowing that their childhood room still exists can be a comfort.

2.      Communicate on Their Terms

You may feel that your college student is delusional when they talk about how busy they are.  Just wait until you have a full-time job and children!  But, they still feel overwhelmed and perception is reality.

We have to understand that their communication with us will be sporadic and sometimes curt.  This doesn’t mean they don’t want to hear from you.  In fact, they desperately need to hear from you.  They are simply learning to navigate the busiest schedule they have ever managed.

Leave them static communications that they can get to in their own time.  Text.  Leave a voice mail.  Send a care package or snail mail.  Communicate regularly, even when you don’t hear back.  Encourage your kids, let them know you believe in them and care about them.  They are listening and they need you.

3.      Don’t Get Offended

Your child is interacting with all kinds of new information.  He is meeting people from different backgrounds.  She’s sitting under the teaching of professors from entirely different worldviews.

It’s very likely that your son or daughter will come home in a few months and share some new ideas that you will not like.  Do you best to restrain yourself from intellectually destroying your son or daughter’s new ideas.  Most likely they haven’t changed their entire belief system.  They are exploring.  They are attempting to reconcile what they have always known with what they are learning.

The truth is, if you did a good job of building their worldview when they were a child they will be fine.  If you didn’t, now isn’t the time to pounce all over their independent thinking.  You will only drive them away.

4.      Advice Instead of Decrees

With all that said, college freshmen still need direction and you are still their parents.  However, the game has changed.  You aren’t in a position to “ground” them or take away their allowance.  Instead of making decrees shift to advice.  Share stories from your life.  Ask for permission to share your opinions.  In short, treat them like they are an adult.  Doing this communicates respect.  Your kids still want your opinions and advice but they want to be treated like an equal.

 

To recap, college is exhilarating and disorienting.  Your college student still desperately needs you but they need you in new and different ways.  My hope and prayer is that you courageously adapt and engage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back to School | Parents

One of the rules about being a teenager is that you must think that your parents are dumb.  I don’t exactly know where this idea came from but it’s everywhere in our culture.  It’s in just about every movie and TV show about teenagers that you’ll ever watch.  “Parents just don’t understand”.  Parents are out of touch.  Parents just want to ruin your life.

I’ve been there.  I remember feeling the same way.   I was a teenager…last century.  The central role of an adolescent is to learn to become independent—to become an adult.  This process of becoming independent is messy, especially when parents have a hard time letting go.  With all that said, two things have changed my perspective on parents:  student ministry and becoming a parent myself.

As I close out this week’s series on going back to school, my goal is that you would reconsider your attitude and relationship toward your parents.  Hang with me and I think you’ll find it worthwhile.

EVERY PARENT WANTS TO BE A GOOD PARENT

Over the last 10 years of student ministry I’ve spent time with 100s of families.  I’ve interacted with so many parents.  And over time and in all of those conversations I have never once run into a parent who wanted to be a bad parent.  Not a single parent was trying to rob their child of fun.  Sure, I’ve run into parents who struggled in different ways and some who were dysfunctional, but never once did I run into a parent who wanted to be a terrible parent.

If you are a student, your mom and dad want to be good parents.  They want what is best for you and they want you to have a great life.  The next time you’re in a heated argument about how much time you get on the X-box or whether or not you are allowed to go on a date with Marvin, just remember that your parents truly want to be good parents and truly want what is best for you.

NO ONE LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOUR PARENTS

I discovered this truth exactly 2 seconds into my son Keegan’s life.  A doctor held up a tiny purple baby covered in slime and blood with an alien looking cord attached to its belly and I fell desperately and irreversibly in love—how could you not?  In that moment, my entire world changed forever.  I knew in an instant that nothing could ever make me laugh this little helpless baby more or less that I already did.  My heart exploded with more love and devotion that I ever thought was possible.  Just sitting down to write these memories down brings a flood of tears to my eyes. 

If you are wondering, I experienced the same phenomenon with each of my four kids and I guarantee that your parents experienced the same thing with you.  No matter what is going on, regardless of how strained your relationship is, I guarantee you that your parents love you with a fierce and devoted love that is beyond what you can understand until find yourself in a delivery room meeting your own baby for the first time. 

YOUR PARENTS ARE SMARTER THAN YOU

Depending on your personality, it may take a hand to the stove, a bad financial decision, or a wrecked life but at some point you will recognize that your parents are smarter than you.  I know this isn’t what you want to hear but it’s a simple lesson in mathematics.  Your parents have lived at least twice as long as you have and life smarts come from experience.  Your parents have twice the life experience that you do.  They’ve had twice as many victories, mistakes, joys, heartbreaks, relationships and crises as you have.   It would be wise to listen to their advice.

YOU NEED YOUR PARENTS

The last thing I want you to consider is that you need your parents.  The future is a hard road.  College does not pay for itself and the most unemployed demographic in our society right now is 23 and fresh out of college.  Many are finding that surviving on their own is next to impossible. 

You will need your parents’ wisdom, home, money, and relational support.  The worst thing you can do as a teenager is treat your parents like garbage—like they are useless and worthless to you.  Your parents are the most valuable resource that you have in this life and they love you desperately. 

My hope, as you launch this year, is that you would reconsider how you think about and treat your parents.  No one loves you more than your mom and dad.

Influencing Boys Toward Greatness | Character

This week, my blog is focused on raising great boys.  Yesterday was all about building self-respect and today I want to focus on building character.  Let’s be real, there aren’t many men of character out there.  So, how do we raise boys with a strong inner compass?  I’m glad you asked.

CHARACTER MUST BE MODELED 

First, character cannot be taught.  There is not a video series or book that will impart character.  Character must be caught.  It can only be modeled.  So, very simply, if you want your boys to develop strong character, you must develop strong character yourself.  Your son will catch your ethics like a virus.  The boys in your small group will follow your example.  How you handle money, conflict, and anger will very likely be how he handles money, conflict and anger.

Step one in developing character in boys is to develop character in you.  My advice, become a student of Jesus.  Never has the world encountered a man of character quite like Him.

CONNECT BOYS WITH EXCEPTIONAL MEN 

Sadly, in our culture, many men are either overgrown boys whose closest experience with manhood is Call of Duty, or insecure men whose only tools of influence and leadership are intimidation and coercion.  Because of this, boys don’t have many good role models.  Every one of us wants to become a quality man but few of us have any idea how to get there.  The road map has become exceedingly rare.

Men who genuinely put others first and possess the self-confidence to be who God designed them to be are hard to find.  When you come across one, connect your son with him.  Invite that man over for dinner or ask him if he would be willing to meet with your son a few times.  It may sound like I’m being a little awkward but boys need proximity with quality men to understand that there are alternatives to what they see on TV.  Quality men can help your son realize the potential of who he could become.

CREATE AND MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES 

All of creation naturally slides toward chaos and brokenness.  As part of creation, boys are no different.  They need us to create and maintain boundaries so that they can learn character—so that they can learn the path to life.  We must come to terms with the fact that boys will not develop good character on their own.  His sinful nature will always push him toward what will harm him and others.

One of the keys to maintaining boundaries with boys is adjusting your approach as they grow older.  At first, you decide what the boundaries are and enforce them.  Most parents do pretty well when their boys are young and then practically lose their minds when their cute little boys morph into teenagers.  This happens not because teenagers are the devil but rather because they are different than little children.

A good example for boys is video games.  When he is young you (hopefully) keep his screen time very low.  As he grows older he will probably try to negotiate the boundaries.  Pull him into the conversation, talk to him about why you want to limit screen time.  Let him increase it as long as his grades stay where they ought to be and his social behavior remains acceptable.  Make him see that he will be responsible for his own decisions.

As parents, we must adapt our approach as our boys grow older.  They need to own the boundaries as much as we do.  We need to include them in on the process of creating and enforcing boundaries.  Help him understand why the boundary is important and bring him into the conversation of what’s to be done when he crosses the line.

LET HIM FACE THE CONSEQUENCES 

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard is that people don’t change until the pain of where they are is greater than the pain of changing.  Some of my greatest character lessons have come from mistakes.   These lessons hurt but I learned and matured.  They were necessary for the development of my character.  Looking back I wish I could have learned in a less painful way but I am grateful for lessons learned through pain and disgrace.

In my opinion, one of the worst things parents and youth workers can do for boys is bail them out of trouble every time they get into it.  Letting him face the natural consequences of bad decisions is great parenting.  It’s painful to watch him suffer but don’t give into the temptation to rescue him.  In doing so, you will nullify one of God’s clearest principles—you reap what you sow.

 

 

 

Influencing Boys Towards Greatness

There aren’t a whole lot of quality men out there.  When I think about the kind of man I want my daughters to marry, I don’t see many of them.  Men of character are an endangered species.

With all that said, I want to raise great sons and I want the boys in my student ministry to become great men.   I want them to become strong men of faith who know who they are and what their purpose is in life.  I want them to become faithful and loving husbands and fathers.  In a culture that is currently producing so many low quality men, how do we do this?  How exactly do you raise and mentor boys like that?  I have a few thoughts…

SELF-RESPECT

A quality man must have a strong sense of self-respect.  Why?  Because every man’s deepest longing is for respect—for the people around him to be proud of him.  If he doesn’t possess an understanding of himself that leads him to believe that he is respectable and worth being proud of, he will struggle through life.  So, as parents, youth workers or even friends, how do we build the self-respect of boys and young men?

1.  Does He Understand Where His Value Comes From?

Men naturally believe that their value flows from what they can do.  We were created to work—to build, create, fix and accomplish but because of sin we have developed an unhealthy assumption that what we do wholly determines our worth.

Boys need to understand that their value comes from the fact that God loves them not from what they can do.  We must repeatedly and carefully reinforce this truth.

2.  Does He Know that you are Proud of Him?  

The central need of a man is for respect.  In order to develop healthy future relationships, boys must develop a strong sense of self-respect.  As a parent you will deeply influence this process by the way that you talk to your son.  Does he know that you are proud of him?  Does he hear it on a regular basis?

Based on the way you talk about the boys under your influence, they will develop the belief that they either can or can’t in the world.  Boys who are not praised regularly or who are criticized relentlessly will have an incredibly hard time developing strong relationships as they grow older.

Life is hard and will at times leave a boy reeling.  Gift the boys in your life with an irreversible belief that he IS respectable.

3.  Does He Know What it means to be Respectable?

So, what exactly does it mean to be respectable?  Our culture is severely confused about this.  Popular TV, music and video games teach that respect comes from power and intimidation.  Because of this, guys spend an inordinate amount of time building muscles, athletic expertise and overall toughness.   No one is talking about honor, wisdom, moral strength or work ethic.

True respectability comes from humble strength.  It comes from living rightly and serving the people around us—not dominating them.  A respectable man draws the best out of people by empowering them.  This is especially true in a good marriage.

We must show our boys what real respectability is all about.  As a father, how do you treat the women in your life?  Are you empowering them through humble service?  As a mother, how do you talk about your husband or other men in your life?

How you handle conflict will also teach boys about respectability.  Do you demand what you want through intimidation and guilt?  If so, this is what he will learn.  How you conduct yourselves during conflict will teach him how people ought to be treated when it really matters.

 

The foundation of a man’s identity is his sense of self-respect.  You can help the boys in your life develop healthy self-respect by showing them why they are valuable, that you are proud of them, and what respectability is all about.

I’ll continue this topic tomorrow by sharing some ideas on how to build character in boys.

 

 

Building a Fan Base for Your Student Ministry

I learned early on in my student ministry career how important it is to have a strong fan base.  And, I’m not talking about students.  I can’t overstate how valuable it is to have zealous adult fans—particularly adults who have influence within your church.  When you do something dumb like leave a kid at winter retreat (in my defense he was extraordinarily short) or when it comes time to convince your senior pastor that you need a ginormous new student building, having a group of fans who will go to bat for you is a huge advantage.  So, how do you build a strong fan base?  Here are a few ideas.

 

A Trustworthy Brand Creates Fans

We love brands because in a fast moving and ever changing culture, good brands consistently deliver trustworthy products.  Once we decide which brands represent who we are, most of us stay incredibly committed for life.  This is because we can trust Apple or Starbucks or Nike to consistently deliver products and experiences that wow us.

In our student ministry we attempt to capitalize on the reality of our consumer driven culture by building a trustworthy brand.  The biggest part of this is delivering consistently great experiences.  We want our students to know that they will experience hilarious videos, high quality worship music, an engaging teaching and small groups led by adults who care about them and are interested in their lives.  By design, we don’t attempt to do much more than this.  By keeping our structure simple and delivering a high quality “product” week after week we build trust in our brand and by extension a stronger fan base

 

Happy Volunteers Become Zealous Fans

I am convinced that the smartest thing you can do as a student ministry leader is invest in volunteers more than students.  If your volunteers are well trained, well cared for and serving in ways that are meaningful and life giving, they will become huge fans.  I’m talking about the kind of fans that will storm the field after a win and throw obnoxiously gross stuff at the ref when he blows a call.  If you think about it, you want both celebratory passion and angsty (just invented that word) passion on your side.

If your volunteers love serving in your ministry, not only will they amplify your ministry’s effectiveness but when they move on to other volunteering opportunities, or parenthood or whatever, they will continue as lifelong fans of your ministry.  Translation: That 22 year old volunteer will becomes a 35 year old board member who shows up for the budget meeting with your ministry’s logo painted on his bare chest, carrying a placard reading, “Mo Money! for [insert your ministry’s name].”  And isn’t that the kind of passionate fans we want in our corner?

 

Happy Parents Become Zealous Fans

Unfortunately, we as student pastors have a reputation for being screw offs.  What I mean is that we are more likely to get a chuckle and a roll of the eyes than a nod of respect.  This isn’t really a good thing when it comes to building a fan base.

Parents can be powerful allies and fearsome enemies.  I don’t have to explain this because you already know.  Here’s the thing, when you understand what parents want and play to their desires, 90% of parents will become zealous fans.  Don’t worry about the 10%, they are crazy.

Anyway, what is it that parents want?  Trustworthiness.  They want pastors, small group leaders, and an overall ministry structure that they can trust.  What builds trust?  Consistency—Consistent communication, a consistent schedule, consistent behavior from small group leaders, consistent responses to questions and concerns , consistent, consistent, consistent.  Parenting a teenager is a big ol’ bucket o’ chaos.  When we offer an oasis of consistency and trustworthiness, parents are very likely to jump on the student ministry bandwagon and when parents are happy they become zealous fans.

I know there is much more to be said about building a student ministry fan base, but this is a bit of what I’ve learned.  I’d love to hear a few of your ideas.