I believe that pornography is the greatest challenge facing parents in our culture. Boys and girls of younger and younger ages are developing dangerous addictions to pornography. I ran across an article recently that describes specific situations of tween age porn addictions. It’s hard to read but if you are a parent you really should. Porn addictions are far more prevalent than we want to admit.
Jamie is 13 and hasn’t even kissed a girl. But he’s now on the Sex Offender Register…
Now that you are sufficiently terrified, here are three strategies to help win this battle in the hearts of your children.
1. Keep Screen Public
I think this is one of the greatest mistakes parents make. Do not allow your kids to keep devices that can access the Internet in their bedrooms. And yes, I’m even talking about cell phones and iPads. Porn addiction is a massive problem for an adult but especially devastating for a kid. In the words of John Woods, “For many young boys, this [porn] means their first sexual experience is not a nervously negotiated request for a dance from a girl at the end of the school disco. It is watching grotesquely degrading images of women, all too often mixed in with violent abuse.”
This reality is tragic because it is often avoidable. Keep screens in a public place in your home. The Internet is dangerous and kids are curious. As parents we need to protect them.
2. Get in the First Word
People often ask when we they should talk to their kids about sex and porn. My answer is that you want to get in the first word. You want to be the one who starts the conversation–not a friend from school, a health class teacher or far worse, a website. Sure it’s going to be awkward but it will be awkward in a safe way. We need to embrace awkward!
I would recommend talking to your kid about the dangers of the Internet in early elementary school and then gradually talking about more and more as your child progresses through elementary school. Middle school is too late. By that point you have lost the advantage of the first word.
You don’t need to be overly graphic with little kids. I tell my 2nd grader that the Internet isn’t safe. There are pictures and videos on there that can hurt your mind. I also tell him that if he ever sees an image that makes him feel dirty or something he knows he shouldn’t have seen, that I want him to tell me and that he won’t be in trouble. A key strategy is to pave the way for honesty by removing the need for shame.
3. Get in More Words
I also strongly believe that “the sex talk” is the wrong approach. Instead of one conversation, I would argue for 1,000 conversations. Someday I’m going to write a really weird book that doesn’t sell called “1,000 Sex Conversations.” Actually, no.
The sex talk approach is like dumping a semi-truck size load of intense grossness on a terrified kid. There’s too much information all at once. If you’re like me you just remember being completely grossed out and overwhelmed. There’s so much information that you don’t even know what questions to ask. All you know is that you’re never, ever going to do that! Or, if you wait too long for the sex talk, which I would argue happens most of the time, your kid will just be bored and think you’re out of touch.
i’m not saying to skip the sex talk because it’s absolutely necessary. Just don’t have it come out of nowhere. A better approach is 1,000 conversations about sex with one of them being the talk on the mechanics of sex. Gradually reveal what sex is to your children and then don’t stop talking about it. As tweens and teenagers your students will be bombarded with information on sex. Most of it will be misunderstandings and lies. Culture is teaching us. Media moguls have an agenda. Our society is incredibly open about sexuality and so we have no choice but to do the same.
We as parents need to realize that we are competing for the hearts and minds of our children. We need to constantly talk about sexuality and it shouldn’t be all “no, no, no!” We need to recapture the beauty of sex. I often tell our students, “Look, this was God’s idea. He invented sex. It’s amazing and awesome. It’s not dirty. It’s beautiful.”
And then, we need to constantly reinforce the boundaries God has established. And, if we can’t sufficiently explain the “why” of the boundaries, we shouldn’t expect our kids to buy what we’re selling. It’s the same as the “because I said so” argument that didn’t work when they were 5.
So, get that screen out of his room, get in the first word and many more after that. And if you think you’re too late, you’re not! Just dive in and be awkward now. If you have any other genius ideas, I’d love to hear them.
image credited to H Berend via http://www.sxc.hu/
