Let me make a clarification.  By leadership I do not mean dominance.  There are plenty of guys out there who know how to get what they want through dominance and abuse.  The leadership I’m talking about is others first.  It’s the kind of leadership that draws out the best in others.  It empowers others to become who God made them to be and rallies people around the mission of Christ in the world.

When I think of my sons, this is what I want.  I want my boys to grow into men who inspire, empower and lead the way.  So, how do you get there?  How do you teach a boy to become a leader modeled after Jesus?

LEADERSHIP IS CAUGHT NOT TAUGHT

Nearly everything in our culture teaches boys to be selfish.  “It’s all about you.”  “Have it your way.”  “Wear this and women will want you.”

If we want our boys to become others focused leaders, we have to understand that we’re going against the flow of culture.  They won’t become the leaders we want them to be without first seeing it.  Specifically, they need to see us doing it.  The boys in your youth ministry and in your family will lead exactly how they see you leading.  Be the leader you want your boys to be.

One of the best ways to do model others first leadership is through volunteering.  Volunteer together with your son.  Encourage the boys in your youth group to serve in the children’s ministry.  Take your family on mission trips.  Serve together and they will catch others first leadership.

TEACH HIM TO LEAD IN RELATIONSHIPS

To be frank, many guys in our culture approach relationships asking a simple question:  “What can I get out of this?”  For the record, that’s called exploitation.  Great men don’t exploit women.  They empower and liberate.

At the risk of offending everyone in the universe, I believe that great men lead in relationships.  Before you start writing that hate comment just hear me out.  I think men ought to protect women by taking the lead on physical boundaries.  Unfortunately, many guys are out to get what they can in relationships and many girls are lonely enough that they will trade purity for perceived intimacy.

The world needs men who are more interested in protecting women and bringing the best out in them than getting what they can.   My dream is that my daughters would date guys who are man enough to be upfront about their physical and emotional boundaries and that they would lead the way in maintaining these boundaries.

We need to train the boys in our families and youth ministries to respect women by leading them.  Their role is to protect women, not take advantage of them.  Help boys clearly define their physical boundaries and then help them learn how to communicate and maintain these boundaries with girls.

Also, help them understand how powerfully their words can impact a woman.  Teach him to be careful with his words.  Again, the goal is to protect and empower women—no to get what you can from them.  That’s exploitation.

Great men lead.  They don’t dominant or exploit.  They put others first and empower the people around them.  To influence boys toward greatness, we must learn to lead in the same way.

Great men know what they are about.  They know why God put them on this earth.  They have a sense of destiny and direction.

Today, I’m finishing up a week of blogging about raising great boys.  If we want boys to lead significant lives, they must know their purpose —they must know what God made they to do.  So, how in the world do you help a boy figure this out?  You must uncover it with him.

BOYS NEED TO BE TOLD

When God created Adam, He placed him in the garden, told him who he was and why he was on the earth.  He gave him a name and a job.  I’m almost certain that without being told, Adam would have been thoroughly confused about what he was supposed to be doing.  “I didn’t know what else to do so I invented the tropical fish tank…”

Like Adam, boys need to be told who they are and why they are here.  It’s just not in our nature as humans to figure this stuff out on our own.  As a parent or youth worker, it’s your privilege and duty to become a student of the boys under your care and to help them uncover their wiring, gifting, passions and ultimately, purpose.

EXPERIMENT

No one expects you to be able to diagnose a boy’s life passion and purpose overnight.  These things are like science experiments.  You develop a hypothesis and you test it.  Most of the time your hypothesis is wrong but it moves you one step closer to the truth.

As boys progress through life, let them experiment.  Push them to try all kinds of stuff.  Somewhere along the line a boy will experience something that awakens something buried deep within him.  He will light up.  Take note:  these experiences probably have something to do with his wiring, gifting, passions and purpose.

MISSION

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that life is most meaningful when our passions and gifts are aligned with what God is doing in the world.  It’s crucially important that we as parents and youth workers help our boys understand the compelling and life altering mission of the Church.  It’s vital that our boys understand what God’s mission is in the world and how we can join in.

When a man finds himself at the intersection of his passions, purpose and the mission of God in the world, he will find life and meaning—and more of it than he ever imagined was possible.

EXIT THE MATRIX

We need to be honest for a second, rich and meaningful lives are not easy to come by.  In fact, it is hard to live a life of purpose.  There is always immense opposition within and outside of us, pushing us to accept mediocrity.  This is part of the reason that boys find video games so compelling.  Without a whole lot of actual work, he can be the hero.  He can create, battle evil, save the girl, or even conquer the world.

The temptation so many young men fall into is retreating into false worlds where they can live rich and meaningful lives of purpose while accepting mediocre or worse in their real lives.

Look, I love video games.  I really do.  However, far too many guys are OBSESSED with video games—playing them for hours and hours every day.  Meanwhile the real world is suffering.  The church needs young men who will run after Jesus and partner with him in bringing heaven to earth every day.

If you are a parent, build boundaries around video games and help your son uncover who God created him to be and what he is calling him to do in this world.  If you are a youth worker, model boundaries with video games.  If you are a young man, unplug and dive into the Kingdom.  There is so much work to be done.  There is far too much injustice on this broken planet for us to keep shooting each other over and over on the same Black Ops maps night after night.

We need to help boys build boundaries around video games so that they don’t overtake and ultimately replace their lives.  Like most everything, video games can be used in a healthy way but it is difficult, especially for a young teenage boy, to find the balance.

LET HIM KNOW WHAT’S COMING

Most boys are surprised by their first encounter with pornography.  It’s like a sneak attack that they never saw coming and are ill equipped to handle.  We have to come to terms with the fact that, statistically speaking, boys are encountering pornography between the ages of 7-9.  If our boys encounter pornography without being warned about it, we have dropped the ball.

As parents, we must equip our boys for this first encounter.  They must know what to do and say when they are invited to see an image or video that could change the trajectory of their entire lives.  Boys don’t need to know everything about sex but they do need to know that pornography will hurt them.  I would recommend making two things very clear:

1. If someone tries to show you a picture or video of people without their clothes on please don’t look or watch.  This is not good for you.  Please tell me if something like this happens
2. No matter what mistakes you make in life I will love you and help you.  You can tell me anything.

To put it simply, as a parent you want to be the one who surprises your son with a conversation about pornography, not Billy down the street.  As youth workers, we can help in this area by equipping parents for these conversations and also by keeping parents informed of when we plan to talk about sexuality and pornography.

TEACH HIM TO BE INDEPENDENTLY PURE

This will probably sound counter-intuitive, but most parents and youth workers make the mistake of overprotecting boys.  Before you hit that big red “X” at the top of your browser, hear me out.  I believe that internet filters are a great idea when you have boys in elementary and middle school but not helpful when they are in high school.

Part of our role as parents and youth workers is to prepare boys for adulthood.  When boys are out of the house they will make their own decisions about how to use the internet.  As a parent, I would much prefer to catch my son viewing porn through the use of accountability software and have a conversation with him than attempt to block every possible pornographic site.  Also, no internet filter is fail proof and most boys are viewing porn on mobile devices anyway.  Either way, after he graduates, you and the Internet filter won’t be there to protect him.

Parents also fall into the trap of completely disengaging.  Pornography will destroy your son.  Even though he may be bigger than you are mostly independent, he still needs you to help him navigate the issue of pornography.

As parents and youth workers, we must find the balance.  Don’t overprotect and don’t disengage.  Walk with him through the struggle.  It will be messy.  He will make mistakes.  You must wade in.  When necessary enforce consequences.  You must encourage and equip.  In short, you must be a parent and be a mentor.

If you found this post helpful, be sure to check out the previous posts of this series on respect and character.

CHARACTER MUST BE MODELED 

First, character cannot be taught.  There is not a video series or book that will impart character.  Character must be caught.  It can only be modeled.  So, very simply, if you want your boys to develop strong character, you must develop strong character yourself.  Your son will catch your ethics like a virus.  The boys in your small group will follow your example.  How you handle money, conflict, and anger will very likely be how he handles money, conflict and anger.

Step one in developing character in boys is to develop character in you.  My advice, become a student of Jesus.  Never has the world encountered a man of character quite like Him.

CONNECT BOYS WITH EXCEPTIONAL MEN 

Sadly, in our culture, many men are either overgrown boys whose closest experience with manhood is Call of Duty, or insecure men whose only tools of influence and leadership are intimidation and coercion.  Because of this, boys don’t have many good role models.  Every one of us wants to become a quality man but few of us have any idea how to get there.  The road map has become exceedingly rare.

Men who genuinely put others first and possess the self-confidence to be who God designed them to be are hard to find.  When you come across one, connect your son with him.  Invite that man over for dinner or ask him if he would be willing to meet with your son a few times.  It may sound like I’m being a little awkward but boys need proximity with quality men to understand that there are alternatives to what they see on TV.  Quality men can help your son realize the potential of who he could become.

CREATE AND MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES 

All of creation naturally slides toward chaos and brokenness.  As part of creation, boys are no different.  They need us to create and maintain boundaries so that they can learn character—so that they can learn the path to life.  We must come to terms with the fact that boys will not develop good character on their own.  His sinful nature will always push him toward what will harm him and others.

One of the keys to maintaining boundaries with boys is adjusting your approach as they grow older.  At first, you decide what the boundaries are and enforce them.  Most parents do pretty well when their boys are young and then practically lose their minds when their cute little boys morph into teenagers.  This happens not because teenagers are the devil but rather because they are different than little children.

A good example for boys is video games.  When he is young you (hopefully) keep his screen time very low.  As he grows older he will probably try to negotiate the boundaries.  Pull him into the conversation, talk to him about why you want to limit screen time.  Let him increase it as long as his grades stay where they ought to be and his social behavior remains acceptable.  Make him see that he will be responsible for his own decisions.

As parents, we must adapt our approach as our boys grow older.  They need to own the boundaries as much as we do.  We need to include them in on the process of creating and enforcing boundaries.  Help him understand why the boundary is important and bring him into the conversation of what’s to be done when he crosses the line.

LET HIM FACE THE CONSEQUENCES 

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever heard is that people don’t change until the pain of where they are is greater than the pain of changing.  Some of my greatest character lessons have come from mistakes.   These lessons hurt but I learned and matured.  They were necessary for the development of my character.  Looking back I wish I could have learned in a less painful way but I am grateful for lessons learned through pain and disgrace.

In my opinion, one of the worst things parents and youth workers can do for boys is bail them out of trouble every time they get into it.  Letting him face the natural consequences of bad decisions is great parenting.  It’s painful to watch him suffer but don’t give into the temptation to rescue him.  In doing so, you will nullify one of God’s clearest principles—you reap what you sow.

With all that said, I want to raise great sons and I want the boys in my student ministry to become great men.   I want them to become strong men of faith who know who they are and what their purpose is in life.  I want them to become faithful and loving husbands and fathers.  In a culture that is currently producing so many low quality men, how do we do this?  How exactly do you raise and mentor boys like that?  I have a few thoughts…

SELF-RESPECT

A quality man must have a strong sense of self-respect.  Why?  Because every man’s deepest longing is for respect—for the people around him to be proud of him.  If he doesn’t possess an understanding of himself that leads him to believe that he is respectable and worth being proud of, he will struggle through life.  So, as parents, youth workers or even friends, how do we build the self-respect of boys and young men?

1.  Does He Understand Where His Value Comes From?

Men naturally believe that their value flows from what they can do.  We were created to work—to build, create, fix and accomplish but because of sin we have developed an unhealthy assumption that what we do wholly determines our worth.

Boys need to understand that their value comes from the fact that God loves them not from what they can do.  We must repeatedly and carefully reinforce this truth.

2.  Does He Know that you are Proud of Him?  

The central need of a man is for respect.  In order to develop healthy future relationships, boys must develop a strong sense of self-respect.  As a parent you will deeply influence this process by the way that you talk to your son.  Does he know that you are proud of him?  Does he hear it on a regular basis?

Based on the way you talk about the boys under your influence, they will develop the belief that they either can or can’t in the world.  Boys who are not praised regularly or who are criticized relentlessly will have an incredibly hard time developing strong relationships as they grow older.

Life is hard and will at times leave a boy reeling.  Gift the boys in your life with an irreversible belief that he IS respectable.

3.  Does He Know What it means to be Respectable?

So, what exactly does it mean to be respectable?  Our culture is severely confused about this.  Popular TV, music and video games teach that respect comes from power and intimidation.  Because of this, guys spend an inordinate amount of time building muscles, athletic expertise and overall toughness.   No one is talking about honor, wisdom, moral strength or work ethic.

True respectability comes from humble strength.  It comes from living rightly and serving the people around us—not dominating them.  A respectable man draws the best out of people by empowering them.  This is especially true in a good marriage.

We must show our boys what real respectability is all about.  As a father, how do you treat the women in your life?  Are you empowering them through humble service?  As a mother, how do you talk about your husband or other men in your life?

How you handle conflict will also teach boys about respectability.  Do you demand what you want through intimidation and guilt?  If so, this is what he will learn.  How you conduct yourselves during conflict will teach him how people ought to be treated when it really matters.

The foundation of a man’s identity is his sense of self-respect.  You can help the boys in your life develop healthy self-respect by showing them why they are valuable, that you are proud of them, and what respectability is all about.

I’ll continue this topic tomorrow by sharing some ideas on how to build character in boys.

This week I am guest posting for The Youth Culture Report about what guys need to know about sexuality.  Today’s post is on what every guy is desperate for.  If you get this thing right you can set a boy on the path to self-confidence, inspire a man forward or save your marriage.  Here’s an excerpt of my article:

As guys, we want our lives to matter.  We want to be significant.  And, this is the way we approach relationships.  When it comes to a relationship, we want respect. 

What is respect?  We want the woman we love to be proud of us.  We want to be considered worthy of her loyalty and love.  It’s really that simple.  If you think about it, that’s all we want out of life.  We wanted our dads to be proud of us.  We wanted our teachers and coaches to be proud of us and we want our girlfriends and wives to be proud of us.

If you are a woman, understand this:  If you show your man that you respect him on a regular basis, it will revolutionize your relationship.  All men have a little boy inside of them that just wants someone to be proud of them.  Most of what we do is designed to make you proud.  As childish as it sounds, the more you think of us like a little boy who needs a pat on the head and a proud smile, the better.  Praise us, make a big deal about the things we do and we will put on that little boy grin and love you with fierce loyalty. 

I’d love your feedback on the rest of the article.  You can read it here:

God invented sex.  No, for real.  At some point God called his angels around and said, “I just had an idea.  A really good idea.  No Gabriel, way better than volcanos.”  OK, I know that’s not how God actually works, but God did invent sex.  It was His idea and it was an awesome idea—probably the awesomest idea ever. 

Check out the rest of the post:  3 Things Guys Must Know About Sexuality

If you’re interested in the 4 posts on talking to girls about sex, you can find them here:

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality Part 2

3 Things Girls Must Know About Sexuality Part 3

4 Traps That Will Derail a Girl’s Dreams