Someday, a LONG time from now I’d like for my daughters to fall in love.  Maybe.  Wait.  Never mind.  OK, I want them to fall in love but not until they’re like 40.  OK, fine.  I want them to fall in love but it has to be with someone who is worthy of them.  Forget it.  No one ever will be.

Sigh.  Alright, alright, someday I’ll let my daughters date but these guys had better not hurt them or else I’ll track them down and dispatch them with a flurry of vicious rhetoric.

Hypothetically, if I were to let my daughter date, I’d really only have one requirement.  See, I’m not that demanding. It’s just one little thing.  He must treasure her.  He must treat her like she is the most valuable person in his life.  What would this look like practically?  I came up with a list:

• It means he puts her first
• It means that he would never hurt her or force her into anything
• It means that he would never yell at her, intimidate her or hit her
• It means that he would never abandon her
• It means that he would see into her heart and love her beyond her body
• It means that he would learn to understand her moods
• It means that he would never love another women except her.
• It means that he would take care of her as they both grow old
• It means that he would treasure her beyond all else in life.

Here’s the problem.  I know she is worth it but she doesn’t.  In my experience, most girls don’t understand how valuable they are.  Our culture convinces girls that their worth is based on how they look and what boys think about them.  It scares me to death that my daughters will grow up comparing themselves to the girls on magazine covers.  It terrifies me that her self-image might be dependent on what some teenage boy says about her.

So, how do you convince your daughter that she is valuable?  How do you convince her that she is worth more than what she looks like?  I think it’s a constant battle. It is repeated conversations.  She needs to be told over and over again.  But, while words are crucial, it’s important to remember that kids learn far more from observing than being told.  Fathers teach their daughters what value is all about in the ways that they talk about, and look at women .  Girls, even little girls, pick up on the subtlest expressions.  Whatever is in your heart, she will pick up on it.

From what I have learned, if I want to convince my daughter that she is worth being treasured, I need to treasure her mother.  My daughter is building expectations around her parents’ relationship.  She will experience a gravitational pull toward the kind of man I am.  I need to compliment my wife and my daughters on more than their looks and clothes.  Essentially, I need to treat my wife and my daughter exactly how I want her future boyfriend to treat her.  I must treasure them.  She will come to expect and desire what she knows and has experienced.

So, dads, we have a monumental task before us.  If you want your daughter to successfully navigate the minefield that is our culture, if you want her to end up with a man who loves her like she deserves, you need to treasure your wife and your daughter.  She’s smarter than you think.  If she is in middle school, she is already more relationally perceptive than you are.  You can’t fool her.  Love the women in your life authentically.  Start now.

photo credited to Rodrigo Amorim via Flickr

TRUST

What does it mean to be a mature disciple of Jesus?  The simple answer is that I’m mature when I trust Jesus with everything.  I trust Him with my money.  I trust Him with my media choices.  I trust Him in the way I treat my wife.  Personally, I think maturity is as simple as trust.

If this is true, teaching another person to follow Jesus is as simple as teaching them to trust Jesus in every area of their life, one step at a time.

Because of this, the foundation of discipleship is trust. How do children and adolescents learn this?  How do they decide to trust someone they can’t see?  They subconsciously decide whether Jesus is trustworthy based on how the people of Jesus treat them.

SAFE

So, what’s the first step in building faith in another person?  It’s safety.  As a parent, forging a safe relationship is crucial to faith development.  In children’s ministry, creating and maintaining a safe environment is paramount.  As a small group leader or youth worker, using safe language is foundational.

How do I know this is true?  This reality is best illustrated with fathers.  What’s your relationship with your dad like?  If your dad is a safe and trustworthy person I would bet you’ve learned to trust Jesus.  If your dad was a cruel person, I imagine there is a good chance you struggle with accepting the goodness of God.  If your dad was never quite satisfied with your accomplishments or talents there is a good chance you never feel good enough for God.   You constantly wrestle with whether or not God likes you.  If your dad was absent or abandoned your family, you probably have moments in which you wonder whether or not God truly cares or if He is there at all.  We learn about Jesus from the people who profess to follow Jesus

What does it mean to be safe?  Safety is communicated in the way we talk to kids, particularly when they fail.  Safety is communicated in the way we joke around with kids.  Is it funny for everyone or is it biting?  Safety is communicated by the look on our face like when a kid confesses a failure.  Safety is communicating in the way we talk about people we disagree with.

POWER

If you are a parent, small group leader or youth worker, you are in a position of tremendous power.  You are teaching children and adolescents what God is like.  But, it isn’t your bible stories, sermons and programs as much as it is your words, your reactions and attitudes.  Will they learn to trust God?  Do they trust you?  Until they develop abstract thinking skills, the question is as simple as that.  Safety is our number one priority.

photo credited to Adrian Ruiz via Flickr

As a parent, I accidentally stumbled upon using memories as a secret weapon.  You see, I have a semi-famous artist sister who lives in Portland, OR with her shoe designing husband.  They are both artistic and adventuresome so they are exciting to be around and you occasionally score free shoes and paintings which is nice.

The thing is, Oregon has this reputation for being beautiful and incredibly quirky—the kind of place you just have to visit.  So, I decided to fly to Portland with my son and spend a week climbing mountains and visiting coffee shops with my sister and her husband.   Secretly I was hoping to run into Donald Miller…but this story isn’t about me.

Anyway, I intended this trip to be an adventure for my son and I and it turned out to be a partial disappointment and a landmark success.  You see, as it turns out, 5 year old boys aren’t terribly great mountain climbers.  Our first day of adventuring took us to various waterfalls around the Columbia River Gorge.  Keegan did well on the first hike and then fell to pieces on the next eight.   I’ll have you know that carrying a 50 pound kid around hiking isn’t exactly paradise.

At this point we realized that our planned wilderness backpacking trip was never going to happen with a 5 year old.  Undaunted, we scheduled a weekend camping trip at Crater Lake and had a great time.  I was enraptured with the natural beauty of everything I saw in Oregon.  I mean, how are you gonna have a temperate rainforest, volcanoes, and the ocean all in one state?

The truth is that Keegan didn’t much care for the scenery.  He was excited about finding a snake but other than that the best part of the trip was when he uncovered that his uncle Eric had a Super Nintendo with Super Mario Sunshine.  After wandering all over the state and the city, all Keegan wanted to do was stay up late and play video game that’s over a decade old.  So that’s what we did.

Upon returning home, I felt like we needed to return to Oregon the next summer so that we could more seriously tap into the potential of Oregon but I soon discovered that Keegan didn’t feel that way at all.  I can’t tell you how many times Keegan has asked me if I remember when we got “those little pizzas” in the Denver airport?  To him, that was amazing.  “Daddy, do you remember when we got that Italian pop?  That was my favorite! “   “Daddy, do you remember when we saw a starfish at the spacific ocean?  That was so cool.”  “Daddy are you sure Sasquatch isn’t real?  Because maybe you’ve just never seen him” “Daddy, do you remember Eric’s Gollum voice?  How come you can’t do that?  “Daddy, do you remember when we Stephanie said people can ride their bikes naked in Portland?”

The truth is that Keegan had the most epic vacation and the fact that it was just him and I traveling across the country made it a legendary experience.   A few weeks after returning, my wife made Keegan a Shutterfly book of our trip.  Even now, 2 years after the trip he still reads that book nearly every night as he lies in bed waiting for sleep to overtake him.  The memory of that trip has taken on magical qualities.

It was a fun trip but the point is that for a little boy, an adventure with his dad was a milestone experience.  His memories of that trip will forever overshadow what actually happened.  The trip has given us a shared point of reference.  No future conflict or disagreement, no teenage angst or middle aged father stubbornness will ever be able to take away the magic of a week in Oregon.

What I learned from a week in Oregon is that taking the time to adventure with your kids, specifically one-on-one is worth the investment.  It may just be the most strategic thing you ever do.

The post was all about identity and value.  The central idea was, “You are immensely valuable and beautiful because God made you and loves you. Your sexuality is a precious gift.  Protect it.”  You can read it here if you like.

I received so much positive feedback from this post and I still can’t believe how many people have read and shared it.  The question is…why?

THE TRUTH

Here’s the thing:  I’m no expert on girls or sexuality.  I’m married and have two cute little daughters but I would consider myself to be a novice at understanding girls.   I haven’t remotely figured out my wife either.  Every time things get emotional at my house you can find me in a corner with a pillow over my head.  And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous idea that someday my daughters will want to date.

All this is to say, I really don’t think my blog post went “Pintrest” because I’m an eloquent writer or because I have some newfangled understanding of girls and sexuality.  It must be something else.

I think the answer lies in a question: Why do so few girls feel good about themselves?  Why are so many girls susceptible to guys who are interested in nothing more than a few hours with their body?

I know that we live in a messed up culture that uses sex to sell everything from cologne to cereal and that girls are conditioned through advertising to find value solely in the way they look but honestly, I’m not sure that culture is the biggest problem.

I CAN’T HEAR YOU

I think the problem has less to do what girls are hearing through culture and more to do with what girls aren’t hearing at home.  Why is it that the only guys who are communicating value to girls are men who want to take advantage of them?  Where are the fathers, brothers, uncles and grandfathers who are supposed to be communicating value to our girls?  This, I believe is the core of the problem.

The feedback I’ve received over and over from girls is: “I wish someone would have told me these things before…”  Speaking as a father, we need to start speaking up!  Our daughters, nieces, and granddaughters need to be told over and over again that they are beautiful and valuable, that God created them just the way they are on purpose, and that only a guy who will love them on a heart level is worth their time.  The first, “you are beautiful” should not come from some punk looking to take advantage of her.

SPEAK UP

I think we are guilty of making assumptions.  We believe that somehow our girls just know.  We assume that how we feel about them is obvious.  It isn’t.  In the absence of positive words they assume the worst.  Tell her that she is beautiful.  Tell her that she is special.  Tell her that only guys of the highest quality are worth her time.  Tell her that her sexuality is a precious gift.  Tell her that you’re proud of her and that God loves her.

God put you in her life to guide her.  Speak up.  I think you’ll be amazed by how much impact your words will have.

image credited to jjpacres

Dear Father,

May my kids never have to wonder if they are special.  Please enable me to love them so thoroughly and lavishly that they never feel the need to seek love in wrong or unhealthy places.  I pray that they would understand that they have been created beautiful, gifted and unique. 

You have repeatedly revealed to me how influential friends can be.  Please help my kids to find and choose good friends—friend who will lead them toward you instead of away.  I pray that they would find great peace and joy in friendships.  

I confess that I am particularly worried about boys.  There are so few quality boys and men in our culture.  Please bring a few good ones into my kids’ lives and protect them from the ones who would use them or lead them down destructive paths.

Wisdom is a rare commodity.  Like Solomon, I ask for it but in this case, not for me but rather for my kids.  May they become skilled in reading people’s intentions.  Give my children the ability to foresee how decisions will impact their future and may they possess the wisdom to choose the best paths.

In the midst of a busy life full of distractions, remind and help me to engage my kids.  I want to put them first.  Remind me to put down my phone and leave my work at the office.  May the way that I engage my kids always remind them of how valuable and important they are to me and by extension, You.

You have made each of my 4 kids incredibly unique. Teach me to become a student of my kids.  I want to help them discover who You have made them to be.  I want to dream for them and help them run after the purposes You have for them.  Reveal to me and then to them their passions and gifts.  I want nothing more than for my kids to live in that sweet spot of who You’ve made them to be combined with the mission You are pursuing in the world.    

I want to pray that You would keep my kid safe, but there is something I desire much more than safety.  I want their lives to matter.  Build into them a passionate and reckless faith.  Place a burning in their heart for injustice.  May the troubles of this world break their hearts to the degree that they can’t sit by and watch.  I want my kids to jump in and get messy.  And yet, my father’s heart pleads with You to protect them as they battle the injustice of this world.

Lastly, I pray that You would keep me close and devoted to my wife.  I desperately want a healthy family for my children.  I pray that our marriage would always be a source of strength and peace for my kids.  May they never have to wonder if we love each other or if we will stay together.

Your Son,

Aaron

Let me make a clarification.  By leadership I do not mean dominance.  There are plenty of guys out there who know how to get what they want through dominance and abuse.  The leadership I’m talking about is others first.  It’s the kind of leadership that draws out the best in others.  It empowers others to become who God made them to be and rallies people around the mission of Christ in the world.

When I think of my sons, this is what I want.  I want my boys to grow into men who inspire, empower and lead the way.  So, how do you get there?  How do you teach a boy to become a leader modeled after Jesus?

LEADERSHIP IS CAUGHT NOT TAUGHT

Nearly everything in our culture teaches boys to be selfish.  “It’s all about you.”  “Have it your way.”  “Wear this and women will want you.”

If we want our boys to become others focused leaders, we have to understand that we’re going against the flow of culture.  They won’t become the leaders we want them to be without first seeing it.  Specifically, they need to see us doing it.  The boys in your youth ministry and in your family will lead exactly how they see you leading.  Be the leader you want your boys to be.

One of the best ways to do model others first leadership is through volunteering.  Volunteer together with your son.  Encourage the boys in your youth group to serve in the children’s ministry.  Take your family on mission trips.  Serve together and they will catch others first leadership.

TEACH HIM TO LEAD IN RELATIONSHIPS

To be frank, many guys in our culture approach relationships asking a simple question:  “What can I get out of this?”  For the record, that’s called exploitation.  Great men don’t exploit women.  They empower and liberate.

At the risk of offending everyone in the universe, I believe that great men lead in relationships.  Before you start writing that hate comment just hear me out.  I think men ought to protect women by taking the lead on physical boundaries.  Unfortunately, many guys are out to get what they can in relationships and many girls are lonely enough that they will trade purity for perceived intimacy.

The world needs men who are more interested in protecting women and bringing the best out in them than getting what they can.   My dream is that my daughters would date guys who are man enough to be upfront about their physical and emotional boundaries and that they would lead the way in maintaining these boundaries.

We need to train the boys in our families and youth ministries to respect women by leading them.  Their role is to protect women, not take advantage of them.  Help boys clearly define their physical boundaries and then help them learn how to communicate and maintain these boundaries with girls.

Also, help them understand how powerfully their words can impact a woman.  Teach him to be careful with his words.  Again, the goal is to protect and empower women—no to get what you can from them.  That’s exploitation.

Great men lead.  They don’t dominant or exploit.  They put others first and empower the people around them.  To influence boys toward greatness, we must learn to lead in the same way.

1.       LOVE YOUR WIFE

Nowhere in our culture do we see healthy marriages—not on TV, not in movies, rarely at your kid’s friend’s house.  Good marriages are a lost art.  Please understand that you are probably the only chance your kids have at seeing a good marriage.  Put your love on display.  Treasure your wife, take her out, take her on vacation, kiss her in front of your kids and talk about her with your kids like she is the queen of the world.

It’s never too late to start doing this.  It doesn’t matter if it’s your first or fourteenth marriage or if you’re divorced and single.  Even the way you talk about your ex-wife is important.  Teach your children to value women for more than just their bodies.

2.       A GREAT DAD MODELS FAITH

Kids learn by watching.  Unfortunately, in many families, faith is something that only happens on Sunday morning.  If you want your kids to develop a faith that permeates every aspect of their life then you need to live out that kind of faith in front of them.

Deuteronomy  6 is a great template for how to live out faith in your home:

⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Translation:  talk about your faith all the time!  Let your kids see how it affects your decisions, the way you talk, how you handle your money and what media you engage with.  The truth is that your kids will most likely end up with the same faith you have.  Will you be happy with the result?

3.       A GREAT DAD INVESTS IN HIS KIDS

Kids need attention.  I’m talking about 2 year olds and 20 year olds. One of the greatest mistakes I see dads making is not spending time enough with their kids.  Dads are too busy.

There is no greater investment that you can make.  No one, upon their death bed has ever said, “I spent way too much time with my kids.”  At the end, nearly every person wishes they had invested more in what matters.

Fathers, your kids crave your attention, affection, and words.  If you give to them liberally as they are growing up you are very likely to have a close relationship with them as they grow older.  Work can wait.  Your kids won’t.

4.       A GREAT DAD HOLDS THE LINE

Kids don’t naturally make good decisions.  They are fallen creatures who are bent towards selfishness and destructive habits.  I see too many tired dads giving up on boundaries as their kids get older.  Please don’t.  Believe it or not, kids want boundaries and they will grow up to be better people because of them.  Hold the line.  Don’t give up.  Your kids need your authority in their lives.