In a decade of student ministry I’ve seen a lot of marriages. To be honest, most of them aren’t very impressive. Worse yet, many of them are on the rocks—couples staying together “for the kids” or out of religious guilt.
On top of this, we’ve all seen the statistics on divorce rates. And, speaking as a youth pastor, there isn’t much out there that is more difficult for a kid to overcome than the divorce of her parents. It doesn’t matter if she was 2 or is 19. It’s terribly disorienting and leaves scars for years to come.
Sadly, there is a whole lot of bad marriage going on in our culture and in our churches. I’m no marriage expert but I believe that the vast majority of poor marriages could be transformed into good marriages in about two weeks. Let me explain how.
FALLING IN LOVE
The funny thing about falling in love is that it just happens. That’s why they call it “falling.” It’s easy. You don’t even have to try. You just fall into it.
Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is hard. Unfortunately, most people think that the feelings associated with falling in love are what love actually is. They aren’t. In fact, love isn’t a feeling at all. It’s something you do. In the words on an old school DcTalk song, “Love is a verb.”
A NEW COMMAND
In John 13:34, Jesus issued his disciples a new directive. “A new command I give you; Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.“ Jesus wasn’t asking his followers to feel anything. He was asking them to do something. He was asking them to love in the way that He loved—sacrificially. In Ephesians 5, Paul called on husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…” Again, sacrificial love is what is being called for.
Often we hear couples on the verge of divorce say things like, “I just don’t love him anymore.” Or, “We’ve fallen out of love.” More than anything these statements are a misunderstanding of what love is. Love isn’t an emotion. Love is a choice.
FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS
One of the things I’ve learned over the 10+ years that I’ve been married is that feelings follow actions. The feelings associated with falling in love won’t always be there in marriage but they will return regularly if you do the hard work of loving your spouse even when you don’t feel like it.
The trap that many couples fall into is refusing to love each other because they don’t feel the emotions of love. This is a mistake because feelings follow actions. If you wait for the feelings to return before serving your spouse you’ll probably wait forever.
If you are newly married or ever hope to be married, my prayer for you is that you’ll understand that love is action. If you want a great marriage simply love your spouse regardless of how you feel. It’s really as simple and difficult as that. We have to be honest. Marriage is hard but it’s very rewarding.
If your marriage is in trouble and you don’t feel anything remotely close to love for your spouse I would plead with you to simply do one thing over the next two weeks. Love your spouse. What I mean is, choose to love him. Put her needs first. Decide to serve him. Take her out on a date. Love is a verb.
In the majority of cases, expressing love to one another will transform your marriage. It will breathe life into death and romance into boredom. Follow the example of Jesus and love sacrificially.
Love is an action. Instead of waiting for the emotions, simply start loving your spouse and watch what happens.
Photo Credited to lanier67
