Jamie is 13 and hasn’t even kissed a girl.  But he’s now on the Sex Offender Register…

Now that you are sufficiently terrified, here are three strategies to help win this battle in the hearts of your children.

1.  Keep Screen Public

I think this is one of the greatest mistakes parents make.  Do not allow your kids to keep devices that can access the Internet in their bedrooms.  And yes, I’m even talking about cell phones and iPads.  Porn addiction is a massive problem for an adult but especially devastating for a kid.  In the words of John Woods, “For many young boys, this [porn] means their first sexual experience is not a nervously negotiated request for a dance from a girl at the end of the school disco. It is watching  grotesquely degrading images of women, all too often mixed in with violent abuse.”

This reality is tragic because it is often avoidable.  Keep screens in a public place in your home.  The Internet is dangerous and kids are curious.  As parents we need to protect them.

2.  Get in the First Word

People often ask when we they should talk to their kids about sex and porn.  My answer is that you want to get in the first word.  You want to be the one who starts the conversation–not a friend from school, a health class teacher or far worse, a website.  Sure it’s going to be awkward but it will be awkward in a safe way.  We need to embrace awkward!

I would recommend talking to your kid about the dangers of the Internet in early elementary school and then gradually talking about more and more as your child progresses through elementary school.  Middle school is too late.  By that point you have lost the advantage of the first word.

You don’t need to be overly graphic with little kids.  I tell my 2nd grader that the Internet isn’t safe.  There are pictures and videos on there that can hurt your mind.  I also tell him that if he ever sees an image that makes him feel dirty or something he knows he shouldn’t have seen, that I want him to tell me and that he won’t be in trouble.  A key strategy is to pave the way for honesty by removing the need for shame.

3.  Get in More Words

I also strongly believe that “the sex talk” is the wrong approach.  Instead of one conversation, I would argue for 1,000 conversations.  Someday I’m going to write a really weird book that doesn’t sell called “1,000 Sex Conversations.”  Actually, no.

The sex talk approach is like dumping a semi-truck size load of intense grossness on a terrified kid.  There’s too much information all at once.  If you’re like me you just remember being completely grossed out and overwhelmed.  There’s so much information that you don’t even know what questions to ask. All you know is that you’re never, ever going to do that!  Or, if you wait too long for the sex talk, which I would argue happens most of the time, your kid will just be bored and think you’re out of touch.

i’m not saying to skip the sex talk because it’s absolutely necessary.  Just don’t have it come out of nowhere.  A better approach is 1,000 conversations about sex with one of them being the talk on the mechanics of sex.  Gradually reveal what sex is to your children and then don’t stop talking about it.  As tweens and teenagers your students will be bombarded with information on sex.  Most of it will be misunderstandings and lies.  Culture is teaching us.  Media moguls have an agenda.  Our society is incredibly open about sexuality and so we have no choice but to do the same.

We as parents need to realize that we are competing for the hearts and minds of our children.  We need to constantly talk about sexuality and it shouldn’t be all “no, no, no!”  We need to recapture the beauty of sex.  I often tell our students, “Look, this was God’s idea.  He invented sex.  It’s amazing and awesome.  It’s not dirty.  It’s beautiful.”

And then, we need to constantly reinforce the boundaries God has established.  And, if we can’t sufficiently explain the “why” of the boundaries, we shouldn’t expect our kids to buy what we’re selling.  It’s the same as the “because I said so” argument that didn’t work when they were 5.

So, get that screen out of his room, get in the first word and many more after that.  And if you think you’re too late, you’re not!  Just dive in and be awkward now.  If you have any other genius ideas, I’d love to hear them.

image credited to H Berend via http://www.sxc.hu/

LET HIM KNOW WHAT’S COMING

Most boys are surprised by their first encounter with pornography.  It’s like a sneak attack that they never saw coming and are ill equipped to handle.  We have to come to terms with the fact that, statistically speaking, boys are encountering pornography between the ages of 7-9.  If our boys encounter pornography without being warned about it, we have dropped the ball.

As parents, we must equip our boys for this first encounter.  They must know what to do and say when they are invited to see an image or video that could change the trajectory of their entire lives.  Boys don’t need to know everything about sex but they do need to know that pornography will hurt them.  I would recommend making two things very clear:

1. If someone tries to show you a picture or video of people without their clothes on please don’t look or watch.  This is not good for you.  Please tell me if something like this happens
2. No matter what mistakes you make in life I will love you and help you.  You can tell me anything.

To put it simply, as a parent you want to be the one who surprises your son with a conversation about pornography, not Billy down the street.  As youth workers, we can help in this area by equipping parents for these conversations and also by keeping parents informed of when we plan to talk about sexuality and pornography.

TEACH HIM TO BE INDEPENDENTLY PURE

This will probably sound counter-intuitive, but most parents and youth workers make the mistake of overprotecting boys.  Before you hit that big red “X” at the top of your browser, hear me out.  I believe that internet filters are a great idea when you have boys in elementary and middle school but not helpful when they are in high school.

Part of our role as parents and youth workers is to prepare boys for adulthood.  When boys are out of the house they will make their own decisions about how to use the internet.  As a parent, I would much prefer to catch my son viewing porn through the use of accountability software and have a conversation with him than attempt to block every possible pornographic site.  Also, no internet filter is fail proof and most boys are viewing porn on mobile devices anyway.  Either way, after he graduates, you and the Internet filter won’t be there to protect him.

Parents also fall into the trap of completely disengaging.  Pornography will destroy your son.  Even though he may be bigger than you are mostly independent, he still needs you to help him navigate the issue of pornography.

As parents and youth workers, we must find the balance.  Don’t overprotect and don’t disengage.  Walk with him through the struggle.  It will be messy.  He will make mistakes.  You must wade in.  When necessary enforce consequences.  You must encourage and equip.  In short, you must be a parent and be a mentor.

If you found this post helpful, be sure to check out the previous posts of this series on respect and character.

If you are a parent, please read this.  It may help you understand what is going on in your child’s head.  If you are guy…you definitely need to read this.  Here’s an excerpt from the article:

Because we as guys are designed by God to be fascinated with the female body and because we, especially as young men have a powerful sex drive, pornography is incredibly dangerous.  Research shows that 50% of us are addicted to pornography.  That is how porn works.  It is highly addictive, and like other drugs, gateway porn leads to harder and harder porn.

I’ve talked with many guys who accidentally stumbled upon porn and within a few years they were compulsively viewing harder and harder pornography several times a day, engaging in sexting and eventually acting out their fantasies.

Understand this:  pornography is not controllable.  It cannot stay compartmentalized.  It leaks into the other areas of your life.  It is like a campfire that jumps its barriers and becomes a raging forest fire.  Pornography has the power to destroy you and the relationships that you care about the most.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the rest of the article.  Click here to read it.

If you are struggling with porn, here is one of the best resources I’ve ever seen:  xxxchurch.com

Concerned about your son or daughter?  Click here for great resources and idea.

If you want to see you dreams come true in terms of relationships and love you must first answer these questions:  “Who am I?” and “What do I want?  The final question you need to be able to answer is this:

How Do Guys Think?

It’s all well and good to understand who you are and what you want but if you don’t understand how guys think you’ll spend most of your time being confused by how we act toward you.

• We are Physically and Visually Oriented

Here’s the first thing you have to understand about guys: we are visually and physically oriented.  Women, as you already know, are relationally and emotionally oriented.  Let me illustrate how this works in dating.  Imagine yourself walking along the beach during a beautiful sunset with a guy who you are attracted to.  He is looking deeply into your eyes, speaking softly, using words like, “love, “beautiful” and “forever.”  What happens to you in the moment?  You forget where you are, your heart starts to do that butterfly thing and you feel a warmth creep from your toes to your hair and you are completely lost in the moment.  In fact, if you’re not careful you are liable to do something you regret.  In other words, the atmosphere, words, attention and romance sweep you away and make you more likely to do something dumb.

It’s totally different for a guy.  Do you want to know what sweeps him away and makes him more likely to do something dumb?  Two things:  your body and…your body.  OK, that’s only one thing but you get the point.  Look I know it sounds weird or maybe you think it is gross but the truth is, this is how God created us.  We are obsessed with you and specifically your body.  You have power over us.  The more that your body is exposed and the closer it is to us the dumber we get.

So, the moral of the story is this:  if you don’t want to cross your boundaries tell him to shut up when he uses the “L” word and wear as many clothes as you can.  But seriously, just understand the differences in the way we are wired.  When there are candles and he’s speaking to you lovingly, you get dumber.  When your body is close to his and you are kissing him, he gets dumber.  If you aren’t married both of these scenarios can be dangerous.  If you are married it’s really quite awesome.

• We Don’t Want to be Chased

Here’s another thing that guys want:  to conquer you.  I don’t mean that in any sort of gross or sexual way.  I mean that a guy wants to pursue you and win your heart.  I always tell people that I dated my wife for a full year before she started dating me back.  She played hard to get and that was a really good thing.

All I can say is that, the kind of guy who will treasure you forever is the kind of guy who has the confidence and moral capacity to pursue you.  The kind of guy who won’t love you in the way you deserve doesn’t have the strength to pursue you.  He is a sissy and you don’t want to end up with him.  The reverse of this is also true, the kind of guy who will love you forever doesn’t want to be chased by a girl because girls like that are not worthy of respect.  See also Potipher’s wife.  A man wants to treasure a woman who is worthy of respect and love.  So, if you’re chasing after a guy who you like…stop it.  Trust me.  If he is the kind of guy who is worth your time, he will pursue you.

Tomorrow, I’ll finish this series with a few thoughts on traps that can derail a girl and keep her from her dreams.