Tag: Love

Back to School | Dating

Halfway through 6th grade my life changed in a 30 second conversation.  In all the years leading up to this conversation I was a boy focused on WWF wrestling and comic books.  For many years after, I have been struggling to figure out this complex, beautiful, thrilling thing called love.

I was sitting at my desk as class let out, probably contemplating how many pop cans I needed to return to the local D&W store in order to pay for the latest issue of The Uncanny X-Men when a girl I barely knew walked over to me and spit out,

“Hey, that girl over there thinks you’re cute.”

[11 year old Aaron stares at her blankly]

“She wants to go with you.”

“Go with me?  Where?”

“She likes you, you moron.”

“What does she like?”

“SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!  Now go over there and ask her to go with you!”

A little cultural clarification if you are younger than 30.  “Going with someone” meant that you were dating them.  I have no idea who thought up that phrase and yes, it’s dumb.

Anyway, I asked that girl out.  She said yes and then we periodically held hands, skated the couples skate at the school skating party, never talked once and then broke up a few weeks later.  Dating in 6th grade in the 1980s.  So beautiful.

BACK TO SCHOOL

I tell you this story because I’m blogging this week about going back to school and today I’m writing about dating and why we date.  After my first “girlfriend” experience, as lame as it was, I really never stopped dating until a close friend in college who had a long ponytail and a broadsword challenged me to give up dating for a year in order to figure myself out and stop hurting people.  Since I tend to listen to people wielding broadswords, I agreed.  It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

You see, somewhere in middle school I became addicted to dating.  I liked the way it made me feel.  I began to crave the feelings that came with it.  I needed that hot flood of supercharged emotion that smacks you in the gut when you discover that someone has a crush on you.  It made me feel alive and worth something.  Middle school was a rough time for me because I didn’t feel like I was worth anything—not remotely.

And so I dated Jill and Jennifer, Missy, Jamie, another Jennifer, Sarah, another Jennifer after that and basically any girl who said that she liked me.  I did all of this because it made me feel special.  And while my “going with” different girls didn’t really do any damage to me or them in middle school (because I never actually talked to them), it did set a pattern of behavior that did hurt me and others very badly in high school and after.

VALUE AND WORTH

I hurt myself and others because of why I dated.  I did it because it made me feel valuable.  Only later did I piece together that dating people in order to make yourself feel better is dangerous.  In fact, doing just about anything to make yourself feel valuable is dangerous.  I was heavily influenced by what people said and thought and I didn’t treat girls with respect because they were merely a vehicle toward my own happiness.

Later in life, I discovered how much God loves me.  I learned about the value I have as His creation.  I learned that He loved me enough to die in my place.

Essentially, I uncovered that I’ll never be more loved than I am in this moment.  No one could bring more love into my life than I already possess through my Creator and Savior.  Once I discovered this and began to live out of this identity, my life and specifically, dating changed dramatically.  Dating stopped being about feeling valuable and more about learning another person.

NO ONE CAN LOVE YOU MORE  

As you begin this year, I would plead with you to examine why it is that you date or want to date.  As harmless as it seems, dating because you don’t feel valuable or loved is a dangerous game.  Rest in the truth that you’ll never be more loved than you already are in this moment, right here and right now.  No one, no matter how sweet, beautiful, rugged, handsome, sexy, or nice can bring more love into your life than you already possess in Jesus.

When you understand how loved and valuable you are, dating is much safer on your heart and the people around you.

 

 

photo credited to michaelnpatterson

Misunderstanding Love

In a decade of student ministry I’ve seen a lot of marriages.  To be honest, most of them aren’t very impressive.  Worse yet, many of them are on the rocks—couples staying together “for the kids” or out of religious guilt.

On top of this, we’ve all seen the statistics on divorce rates.  And, speaking as a youth pastor, there isn’t much out there that is more difficult for a kid to overcome than the divorce of her parents.  It doesn’t matter if she was 2 or is 19.  It’s terribly disorienting and leaves scars for years to come.

Sadly, there is a whole lot of bad marriage going on in our culture and in our churches.  I’m no marriage expert but I believe that the vast majority of poor marriages could be transformed into good marriages in about two weeks.  Let me explain how.

FALLING IN LOVE

The funny thing about falling in love is that it just happens.  That’s why they call it “falling.”  It’s easy.  You don’t even have to try.  You just fall into it.

Falling in love is easy.  Staying in love is hard.  Unfortunately, most people think that the feelings associated with falling in love are what love actually is.  They aren’t.  In fact, love isn’t a feeling at all.  It’s something you do.  In the words on an old school DcTalk song, “Love is a verb.”

A NEW COMMAND

In John 13:34, Jesus issued his disciples a new directive.  “A new command I give you; Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another.“  Jesus wasn’t asking his followers to feel anything.  He was asking them to do something.   He was asking them to love in the way that He loved—sacrificially.  In Ephesians 5, Paul called on husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church…”  Again, sacrificial love is what is being called for.

Often we hear couples on the verge of divorce say things like, “I just don’t love him anymore.”  Or, “We’ve fallen out of love.”  More than anything these statements are a misunderstanding of what love is.  Love isn’t an emotion.  Love is a choice.

FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS

One of the things I’ve learned over the 10+ years that I’ve been married is that feelings follow actions.  The feelings associated with falling in love won’t always be there in marriage but they will return regularly if you do the hard work of loving your spouse even when you don’t feel like it.

The trap that many couples fall into is refusing to love each other because they don’t feel the emotions of love.  This is a mistake because feelings follow actions.  If you wait for the feelings to return before serving your spouse you’ll probably wait forever.

If you are newly married or ever hope to be married, my prayer for you is that you’ll understand that love is action.  If you want a great marriage simply love your spouse regardless of how you feel.  It’s really as simple and difficult as that.   We have to be honest.  Marriage is hard but it’s very rewarding.

If your marriage is in trouble and you don’t feel anything remotely close to love for your spouse I would plead with you to simply do one thing over the next two weeks.  Love your spouse.  What I mean is, choose to love him.  Put her needs first.  Decide to serve him.  Take her out on a date.  Love is a verb.

In the majority of cases, expressing love to one another will transform your marriage.  It will breathe life into death and romance into boredom.  Follow the example of Jesus and love sacrificially.

Love is an action.  Instead of waiting for the emotions, simply start loving your spouse and watch what happens.

Photo Credited to lanier67