Category: Dating

And How Sex is Like Glue

The other night I was helping my son Keegan with his homework.  The fact that my 2nd grade son has homework every night is crazy talk.  When I was in 2nd grade, my homework was to pit my He-Man and G.I. Joe figures against each other in epic combat for hours on end on end.

Anyway, he was attempting to glue words that he had cut out on a piece of paper in alphabetical order.  You might say he was struggling.  Elmer’s glue and 2nd grade fingers aren’t a great combination.  And, the funny thing about glue is that it is quite effective at cementing two pieces of paper together.  This is great except for when you’re in 2nd grade and you keep putting the words in the wrong order.

Once the glue has been applied, pulling the two pieces of paper apart is a rather nasty affair.  The funny thing is that the papers become one and trying to pull them apart results in ripping the papers and spilling glue everywhere.  The end result was papers glued to the table, fingers stuck together, and a seven year old repeatedly banging his head against the table

2942357392_5b21676d29

In his defense, the entire episode was technically my fault.  He was working as fast as he could because I had just purchased the new Lego:  Marvel Super Heroes video game and promised him that we could play it as soon as his homework was done.  He was essentially doing his homework at ludicrous speed which is never a good idea unless your name is Dark Helmet or Colonel Sanders.

It was about this time that I realized that sex is a lot like the glue my son was using for his homework.  I didn’t come to this realization during the homework session of course…that would have been weird.  Nor did I realize it while we were playing Lego:  Marvel Super Heroes because that game is so fun that any sort of distraction, even thinking about sex is impossible.

I came to this realization about sex and glue over coffee with one of our small group leaders as he talked about a student in his group.  His student had slept with his girlfriend and now he was struggling because things hadn’t turned out like he thought they would.  As it turns out, things were getting pretty complicated.

Often, I think I’ve had a genius idea and then realize that I actually stole the idea from someone else.  This happens in our office all the time, usually after someone reads my blog and realizes that I stole another one of their ideas and played it off like it was mine.  I assure you this is unintentional.  I’m terrible with names and intellectual property.

With this whole sex and glue image, it turns out I’ve stolen the idea from someone fairly high up…God.  In the book of Genesis, God describes sex as forging two people into one person in a way that can’t be broken apart.  There is something incredibly powerful about sex.  It’s like glue.  It cements two people together.  There is no undoing the unity that sex brings.  That’s why when people talk about how so and so still has a piece of their heart they are speaking the truth.

The thing that bothers me is how our culture presents sex as just something fun to do that doesn’t have lasting consequences.    Based on what I’ve read from the Inventor of sex and what I’ve observed over and over again in the lives of friends and students, sex is like glue.  It forges a bond between bodies and souls.  It creates beautiful and lasting unity and intimacy in the context of marriage but when two people who have been cemented together are pulled apart there is lasting emotional and relational damage.

 

image credited to me and the sysop

 

Winning at Dating | Happily Married

Most people seem to think that someday they’ll end up happily married.  However, when you look around the neighborhood and think about divorce statistics, it seems that most people aren’t exactly happy in marriage.  If anything, most people are begrudgingly married or formerly married–or in some cases, both.  That doesn’t sound fun at all.

I happen to think that the way you date has a lot to do with how happily you’ll be married.  If you are smart at dating, you’ll likely be smart at marriage.  Let’s be honest, marriage isn’t rocket science.  The trouble is the habits and baggage that you bring into marriage—and there’s that whole thing of that other person and all the habits and baggage they bring into the game.

This week, I’ve been blogging about how to win at dating–self image and boundaries.  I want to end this series by talking about the end result of dating.  Specifically, how do you marry the right person?

ACCIDENTALLY IN LOVE

I love the lyric of the Counting Crows song from Shrek, “We’re accidentally in love.”  That’s exactly how falling in love works.  It’s an accident.  No one can plan it.

The first thing about finding the right person that you need to understand is that it will likely start with accidentally falling in love.   Unless of course you’re some sort of all-star who has loved the same girl since Kindergarten and always known that she is the one.  If that’s you, go ahead and stop reading.

GOOD FRIENDS

For the rest of us, you will most likely accidentally fall in love with someone that you are friends with.  In my experience, love at first sight is pretty rare.  It’s far more likely that you’ll realize one day that Jane, who you’ve been hanging out with for a few months, is very attractive and fun.  “Wait a second, I’m falling for Jane!”  Love usually requires a little time and proximity to develop.  Also, friendships provide time and space for observing a person’s true character.

Because of this, it’s important to hang out with good people.  Why?  Because you might end up married to one of them.  Life is a path.  Where you end up is directly related to the everyday decisions you make.  Choose your friends wisely.

I previously wrote about this concept here.  The idea is this:  if you want good coffee, don’t go to Denny’s

THE EVOLUTION OF DATING

As I’ve mentioned before, many people are so desperate for attention and affection that they make terrible decisions about who to date.  Here’s the thing: dating relationships evolve.  They usually begin as fairly casual and fun and then over time they sometimes develop into something more—like a wedding.

Let me explain it this way:  I had 5 serious dating relationships in high school and college.  One of these dating relationships (by far the best one…if my wife is reading!) ended in marriage.  In an odd way, that means that each relationship stood a 20% chance of ending in marriage.  That is a little scary.

I bring this up to say that each serious dating relationship that you end up in has a decent chance of ending in marriage.  So, who you choose to date is very important.  If you don’t want to end up married to a guy who                     .  Don’t date a guy who                          .  Feel free to insert whatever deplorable thing you can’t stand in the blank.

It amazes me when people date someone they say they would never marry because they could very likely end up married to that person.  My advice, only date people who you think are marriage material.  It’s a better and safer approach to dating.

 

image credited to Nathalie Orengo

Winning at Dating | Boundaries

Dating without establishing boundaries is something like driving on icy mountain roads without guardrails.  It’s dangerous and rather dumb.  Most people who find themselves beyond their boundaries realize their mistake far too late because they never verbalized them in the first place.

This week I am blogging about dating—specifically, how to win at dating.  One of the smartest things you can do to win at dating is to establish and maintain boundaries in three different areas.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES

When it comes to boundaries, people typically talk about sex.  However, sex is not the only boundary worth talking about.  In fact, for girls in particular, crossing emotional boundaries can be just as painful as physical ones.

Women, I’ve discovered, are incredibly emotional creatures.  I’m convinced that girls experience emotions that I don’t even know about.  I only have 4 emotions—mad, love, happy and hungry.  Is hungry an emotion?  Nevermind.

Anyway, there are words and phrases that can send a girl’s heart into orbit.  Some guys know exactly what these words and phrases are and use them to get what they want.  In other cases it can be the exact opposite.  Some of us are just wired to emotionally respond in powerful ways.

The key, in dating, is to understand how we are wired and to place boundaries around emotional connectedness.  Be careful how you use the “L” word.  Be careful about making promises that you aren’t sure you can keep.  You may be playing around and the person you are dating might be dead serious.

The best approach is to be honest with each other about your expectations before things get emotionally heated.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES

If you’re a follower of Jesus, then there should be boundaries around your sexuality.  I happen to believe that God designed sex for marriage and any experience of sex outside of God’s design will burn you and the person you are with.

If your desire is to save your sexuality for your future spouse then you have to be clear about this with the person you are dating.  Most followers of Jesus who have premarital sex do so accidentally.  They never verbalized their boundaries.  If you don’t tell the person you are dating that you don’t want to have sex, chances are he doesn’t know.

One of the smartest things you can do is to clearly state your boundaries in the early stages of a dating relationship.  If the person you are dating doesn’t respect your boundaries and pushes you to jump the fence then dump him because if he doesn’t respect your boundaries now, he probably never will.

RESPECT BOUNDARIES

Speaking of respect, one of the boundaries that Christians often neglect is just that…respect.  It is heartbreaking to watch what some people put up with.  If she constantly degrades you and beats you down verbally, ditch her!  Don’t you realize how valuable you are?  If he threatens you in any way, dump him!  Don’t you know that you are a treasured daughter of the King?  You are already loved more than you can imagine.

The danger in tolerating bad treatment is that it starts to mess with you mind.  You begin to believe that you aren’t valuable and that you deserve to be treated like you are worthless.  Do not buy into this lie.

You deserve to be treated with respect.  You are created in the image of God.  You are valuable enough to God that He sacrificed His own Son to rescue you.  You need to respect yourself by demanding that the person you are dating treats you with kindness and dignity.

 

image credited to Arthur van Beveren

How to Win at Dating

Dating is fun.  Except when it’s not—like when your heart gets broken or when you find yourself 6 months into a relationship you never really wanted or when you’ve crossed a line you never wanted to cross and now you’re full of regret.

So, how do you win at dating?  How do you survive without scars and how do you end up happily married?  Isn’t that what dating is for anyway?  I have a few ideas.

I’M A KEEPER

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes, I listen to country music.  Gasp!  I know.  Sorry.  Anyway, in the rare moments that I listen to country music (like once a year, I swear!), I sometimes listen to The Band Perry.  They have a funny song called, “I’m a Keeper” in which Kimberly Perry goes on and on about how she is a keeper—she’s worth the effort.

Sadly, I don’t think many people who are dating actually believe that they are a keeper.  I believe that this is crucial component to winning at dating.  If you don’t think that you’re valuable then you’ll be willing to accept being treated in unloving and sometimes even abusive ways.  Sadly, this is an easy trap for girls to fall into—especially if you’ve had relational issues with your dad or have been mistreated by guys in the past.

I would implore you, if you are struggling in the realm of self-image and value, take some time and build your identity.  Uncover what makes you valuable.   Here is a foundation to start from:

  • God created you.  He made you exactly how you are on purpose.  The Bible describes the way He made you as “knitting you together.”  You aren’t an accident.  You aren’t a product of chance.  In fact, God considers you a prized piece of artwork.
  • God has been pursuing you since before you were born.  His ambition is to know and be known by you.  The Gospel is all about giving Himself to you.  You are precious to Him.
  • Jesus valued you enough to sacrifice Himself to restore you to Him.  There is no greater expression of love.

God considers you “a keeper.”  Start thinking of yourself as one.  If you’d like to read more about what makes you valuable check this out:

WOULD YOU MARRY YOU?

Maybe your struggle is not with self-image.  Maybe your struggle is that you know you aren’t a keeper because of how you have treated people in the past.  One of the best sermons on dating I’ve ever heard was delivered by my friend Brady Nemmers.  His central question was, “Are you the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for?”  This is an incredibly awkward question but would you marry yourself?  I mean seriously, think about your qualities and weaknesses.  Would you want to end up with you?

One of the smartest things you can do to ensure that you win at dating is grow yourself.  If your character is weak, work on it—set up boundaries.  If you need to become financially independent, work hard and live frugally.  If you need to grow your faith, join a small group and attend start pursuing God on your own.

If you know that you struggle in some of these areas find a mentor, go see a counselor, or read a book.  Become the person that the person you are looking for is looking for.

 

Back to School | Dating

Halfway through 6th grade my life changed in a 30 second conversation.  In all the years leading up to this conversation I was a boy focused on WWF wrestling and comic books.  For many years after, I have been struggling to figure out this complex, beautiful, thrilling thing called love.

I was sitting at my desk as class let out, probably contemplating how many pop cans I needed to return to the local D&W store in order to pay for the latest issue of The Uncanny X-Men when a girl I barely knew walked over to me and spit out,

“Hey, that girl over there thinks you’re cute.”

[11 year old Aaron stares at her blankly]

“She wants to go with you.”

“Go with me?  Where?”

“She likes you, you moron.”

“What does she like?”

“SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!  Now go over there and ask her to go with you!”

A little cultural clarification if you are younger than 30.  “Going with someone” meant that you were dating them.  I have no idea who thought up that phrase and yes, it’s dumb.

Anyway, I asked that girl out.  She said yes and then we periodically held hands, skated the couples skate at the school skating party, never talked once and then broke up a few weeks later.  Dating in 6th grade in the 1980s.  So beautiful.

BACK TO SCHOOL

I tell you this story because I’m blogging this week about going back to school and today I’m writing about dating and why we date.  After my first “girlfriend” experience, as lame as it was, I really never stopped dating until a close friend in college who had a long ponytail and a broadsword challenged me to give up dating for a year in order to figure myself out and stop hurting people.  Since I tend to listen to people wielding broadswords, I agreed.  It was one of the best decisions I ever made.

You see, somewhere in middle school I became addicted to dating.  I liked the way it made me feel.  I began to crave the feelings that came with it.  I needed that hot flood of supercharged emotion that smacks you in the gut when you discover that someone has a crush on you.  It made me feel alive and worth something.  Middle school was a rough time for me because I didn’t feel like I was worth anything—not remotely.

And so I dated Jill and Jennifer, Missy, Jamie, another Jennifer, Sarah, another Jennifer after that and basically any girl who said that she liked me.  I did all of this because it made me feel special.  And while my “going with” different girls didn’t really do any damage to me or them in middle school (because I never actually talked to them), it did set a pattern of behavior that did hurt me and others very badly in high school and after.

VALUE AND WORTH

I hurt myself and others because of why I dated.  I did it because it made me feel valuable.  Only later did I piece together that dating people in order to make yourself feel better is dangerous.  In fact, doing just about anything to make yourself feel valuable is dangerous.  I was heavily influenced by what people said and thought and I didn’t treat girls with respect because they were merely a vehicle toward my own happiness.

Later in life, I discovered how much God loves me.  I learned about the value I have as His creation.  I learned that He loved me enough to die in my place.

Essentially, I uncovered that I’ll never be more loved than I am in this moment.  No one could bring more love into my life than I already possess through my Creator and Savior.  Once I discovered this and began to live out of this identity, my life and specifically, dating changed dramatically.  Dating stopped being about feeling valuable and more about learning another person.

NO ONE CAN LOVE YOU MORE  

As you begin this year, I would plead with you to examine why it is that you date or want to date.  As harmless as it seems, dating because you don’t feel valuable or loved is a dangerous game.  Rest in the truth that you’ll never be more loved than you already are in this moment, right here and right now.  No one, no matter how sweet, beautiful, rugged, handsome, sexy, or nice can bring more love into your life than you already possess in Jesus.

When you understand how loved and valuable you are, dating is much safer on your heart and the people around you.

 

 

photo credited to michaelnpatterson